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Dream Faux

by gard 

Posted: 09 January 2006
Word Count: 179
Summary: This is about an event I witnessed; I had no control over it and was very disturbed by it
Related Works: Incomplete Experiment • 

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Dream Faux

Wake up wake up last night on the other side
of the door, I heard the creatures cry with torment.
I stood outside for hours wanting to give comfort
but I was too afraid to move or call and I have been
unable to sleep with their thoughts on my mind.

I sit on your bed in the dark and whisper at you of
my strong beliefs and alternate points of view
and yet you sleep through my turmoil. Though
I had tried hard not to wake you, because, I

could tell by your face that you wished good...
That you dreamt of the good of man with your heart
brimming soft, a dandelion clock, ready for release
into clouds of blossom and filaments. I am sad
my voice did not wake and break your heart. But,

let us just sit you asleep and me, we shall wait until
dawn... As the day rises, the bare throated wild birds
will sing you out from these dreams. And if not,
the earth will recover it's losses somehow.

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Comments by other Members

DJC at 08:48 on 10 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Gina,

I like the urgency of the opening, which I think you carry on through the poem to good effect. The hard consonance in the middle of stanza 1 (spoke, dark, cracked) gives that sense of things being brittle, as they often are in the middle of the night - and I think there could be more of this. The 'dandelion clock' simile is interesting, although I wonder whether we should have the explanation afterwards. If you have to explain a simile it's usually because it's not clear enough, or doesn't fit in with any extended metaphors in the piece.

The final stanza is more powerful to me, more overtly 'poetic', with an interestingly ambiguous ending. I wonder about the line breaks and punctuation, though - 'you and me / we shall wait for the spring' is a bit awkward. I'd look at reading it aloud and seeing where the difficult areas are, as at times the reading falls over itself a little.


joanie at 09:13 on 10 January 2006  Report this post
Hi gard. Good to see you! I really felt the emotions in this; I think the lack of punctuation helps to underline the sense of lack of power, somehow, and the dream-like flitting from one thing to another.

However I, too, stumbled over the reading of it on occasion: 'brimming soft and as ready as a dandelion clock/whispers might release it into hundreds of fine filaments.' but I think it was because I once did a poem with 'dandelion clock whispers' in it and my mind didn't see the break after clock. I also had to re-read 'that you envisaged good'. At first I took it be an adjective and I was expecting the noun to go with it.

I like that the last section is punctuated; back to reality! And there is a strong hope and promise of spring and better days.

I enjoyed the read.


(typo:its losses)

DJC at 09:24 on 10 January 2006  Report this post
I was just looking at Paul's latest, and it struck me that polysyllabic words can often slow the reading of a poem down, almost putting up barriers to smooth reading. In this poem, words like 'explanation', 'envisaged', 'filament' and 'unsurprised' make this a bit heavy going. Are there other, shorter words you could use?

paul53 [for I am he] at 11:06 on 10 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Gard,
Another piece of the quality I have come to antcipate.
I've read the other comments, so I'm going instead to give a fairly lengthy analogy.
I know a guy who is heavily into music: "proper" serious music of the choral and classic kind. He knows all about music, and when he listens to a piece he deconstructs it in his head like a scientist trying to dissect a corpse and expose the soul. He talks endlessly of counterpoint and sequences.
Me? I don't know much about music technically. I listen to a piece and I judge it by how much it moves me. Many great songs don't make much sense if you read the lyrics without the accompanying score, yet set to music it has the magic to transport the listener.
My criteria in poetry is whether a piece moves me or not. I'm not going to get into a gestalt debate here and go on about how some things are greater than the sum of their parts - though some things are.
With music, there are certain pieces that transport me somewhere so far away that I return just as the piece concludes and I realise I did not consciously listen to it; either that, or else I let it bypass my conscious mind.
Poetry is - or should be - a moment of deep meeting deep.
Your poetry meets this criteria. It connects with this reader. So, pay heed to any comments on the technicality of your works [and I think I am right in assuming this is "work in progress"?] but don't let it lose the spark that makes it something else.
This poem moved me; it made me recall something lost and old [like standing before Ayer's Rock [Uluru] according to Bill Bryson. When a poem does that, I care not a jot about the workings, though I can see this is wholly unhelpful when the author is inviting constructive comments. I'll leave that for others.

gard at 14:42 on 11 January 2006  Report this post
Hi Joanie DJC Paul53FIAH

thanks for your input which I have taken note of and am now working on tyring to make this piece flow a bit better. Joanie which poem do you write of with dandelion clock whispers because I would like to read it?

DJC welcome to WW I look forward to reading your poems.

Paul53 thankyou for your lovely encouraging commment. I was very pleased when you wrote that you had a connection/was moved by this piece. When I posted this draft I had hopes that it would connect with someone.

It was interesting what you wrote about surgery: without going into too much detail about this piece (it's emotive) is about how recently I was visiting a university and there where the equipment I use was in the basement.

I did not know it but this is where they keep the primates and the beagles. I was working one evening and I suddenly heard a dog started kinda screeching/crying. This went on for about 15 minutes then suddenly went quiet. There followed 10 minutes of cage banging (primates maybe?). I could not get into the area becuase it is locked.


Brian Aird at 08:57 on 14 January 2006  Report this post
I've deliberately stayed out of commenting because I found the poem ambiguous and hard to comment on, but nevertheless fascinating and even the title intrigued with hint of something false or fabricated.

Its not so much that I must know what was behind it rather than what meaning could be put into it by its readers.

"I have been unable to sleep with their thoughts on my mind.

I sat on your bed in the dark and whispered at you

my damaged beliefs and alternate points of view."

The above for example could relate to a love affair or a visit to a someone who was sick, or a parent coming to his or her child's room after a row or receiving bad news...etc....etc...

Is this the holy grail of modern poetry to come up with ambiguous words that nevertheless connect with the widest range if potential readers - is there a name for such a style?


gard at 12:28 on 14 January 2006  Report this post
Hi BrianA

thanks for your comment.

Oh no, I mean I think that this poem is meant to be deciphered (at least that was my intention) and it is always open to anyones own interpretation after all we don't all see or feel the same things from say music etc etc or stories and so on. So I guess it does not really matter how you interpret it.

I detected a resigned sigh? But well my poetry is not contributing to modern poetry i.e. I am not a published and important poet so don't worry ha ha.

If you want me to explain this piece to you I can do if it will help?


DJC at 12:37 on 14 January 2006  Report this post
You don't have to be published to be important!

gard at 20:58 on 14 January 2006  Report this post

it sounds very romantic to be living and working in the , if I got you right, alps. Is it nice there?


DJC at 07:36 on 15 January 2006  Report this post
Very nice - lots of sun at the moment, and snow. I miss bookshops and Indian curries, though!

gard at 12:11 on 15 January 2006  Report this post

I know what you mean I am in the States and I have not had a good curry for over four years (being veggie does not help). I used to live and work in Geneva (Swizterland) which is a lovely city. Oh well we are digressing...

DJC at 15:27 on 15 January 2006  Report this post
True - let me know what you think of the rewrite of my sonnet, if you have time.

Laura Hunt at 10:46 on 01 February 2006  Report this post
I'm of the 'only connect' school of appreciation and connect this did.
We all project our own meanings onto paintings/poems and I don't think that matters, although I guess it's very frustrating for some people to be 'misunderstood'.

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