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Flash exercise 2 - Escaping the thin ice

by gard 

Posted: 23 February 2006
Word Count: 164
Summary: I guess it took 45 minutes though I used a small part of another poem I had dropped in the bottom of the filing cabinet...(never going to be as flash as everyone else). The Form is all over the place...will work on it
Related Works: Morning summer in stark • 

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Escaping the thin ice

Skimming stones, between the fizz of static
sweeping salt-like through the atmosphere
faces stung red in the seasoned elements.
We are standing on a powder keg shore
no-one wanted to light the fuse then still
you kept your distance and surveyed
the grey water rolling wet towards our feet.
I threw the smoothest flattest stones
with thoughts of several rebounds.
You said peaceably "You always seem
as if you are waiting to go somewhere."
Impartial I skittered stones across the sea
in a bent upon way, with my hands venting
the burned up oddments of another affair.
We talk of the arrival of the Brent geese
grazing on the mudflats, gathering along
the sands and marram grass, sustained
by foxes scat rabbits sheep. The geese suit
the red laterite look-a-like dunes, beginning
at sunset and starting at sunrise, they are close
the plume of their brave bellies heave, as they
babble on from muddied beaks too far out to reach.

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Comments by other Members

DJC at 07:44 on 24 February 2006  Report this post
Gina - there are some interesting images here, which really place you in a scene which feels real, like it actually happened. It's less of a roller-coaster of images than the last, and I feel works better for it. I do like the way you use punctuation, or rather try to avoid it, as it does draw you through the poem in a fluid way. Every now and then I'd like to see a comma, such as in the enjambement 'at sunrise they are close / the plume of their brave bellies heave', but otherwise it works well.

Just a couple of small things - you go from past to present, with 'skitter', and although you have the consonance in 'wet' and 'feet', I'm not sure you need to say the water is wet. Just tiny things in an otherwise excellent response!


paul53 [for I am he] at 08:29 on 24 February 2006  Report this post
Do you know, I was reminded of Walt Whitman in this, and I haven't thought about him - let alone read him - in years.
There are too many great turns of phrase and acute observational insights here to put them all down.
A unique voice.

Elsie at 10:33 on 24 February 2006  Report this post
Wow - there's such a lot going on in this - it's like a very intense and rich pudding. I wonder whether it would be easier to take in with a bit of breathing space, ie breaking into stanzas? There are wonderful images, and I agree with Darren some punctuation would help in a few places. Well done.

gard at 22:15 on 24 February 2006  Report this post
Hi DJC Foriam Elsie

thanks for your kind comments. Yes I think I need to alter the form to make it more readable I am doing a re-work of this one with that in mind. And I am adding commas too...

Foriam I like it when you comment and mention other poets I am not that familiar with, becuase I always go off and read about them. It is very educational and satisfying for me with my scientific degree 'n all. Walt Whitmen was an interesting fellow very self acomplished despite his impoverished background. What an inspiration. Thank you.


Cailleachna at 11:52 on 25 February 2006  Report this post
Beautiful, and very evocative. I love the cadence of this poem. Almost a moment of held breath, waiting for the next step. Lovely, Gina.


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