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by gard 

Posted: 12 August 2005
Word Count: 186
Summary: I chose To finer, finer veins. I don't think anyone has this yet. I am on 233 words but working on it. I am hoping to comment on everyones work today. I know I have not contributed for ages (work...).I hope I did the exercise correctly?

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So much to be sad about. But I donít want to stop trying
Then I see they are formed to finer, finer veins

the dragonfly wings. Inset with silver sequins
they shimmer in the sunlit sea, tiny jewels aloft

skirting above the froth until an armoured ancient frame
bluer than Mad Dog Skullcap, appears blazing in the heat

like weathered bronze; a woman stands first. Her skirt
a loose red sail that flaps about wild. It happens

that we have a Close Encounter. As he surfaces the sea brindles
bright green. I may send emails for the whalesí cause. Perhaps

they would be touched if they heard of the humpback whale
that buzzed then rubbed its barnacles off on the bow

leaving a trail of blood; as I seek through my finer, finer veins
the Baleens' Song, the fossils long forgotten and tone-deaf channels

his shallow shadow only dances as it alters the quiet water.
Perhaps he is attracted to the scintillating dragonfly, who

clear of the whale's salt spray yet touching with spindle limbs
skims the titan's head, navigating us through an epoch beautiful.

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Comments by other Members

Ticonderoga at 14:03 on 13 August 2005  Report this post
Have to agree with Nell; though, for me, there's a tiny 'clunk' at the end: 'an epoch beautiful'. Why not 'a beautiful epoch' or, if nearer to your meaning, 'epochal beauty'? The inversion seems out of place to me. But, beautiful piece.



gard at 15:04 on 13 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Ticonder

uum I see, yes I have changed the ending several times but got fed up with it last night and thought I would let it sit for a bit.

Thanks I will chew the cud over it try your suggestions and see if they work better.


fevvers at 12:30 on 20 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Gard

I have to re-read this and comment on it when I have more time because I think there are things that work wonderfully and there are things that need a fair bit of attention. One thing that I thought did work, on first reading, is the inversion at the end, but I'll have to see. It seems to be to do that gorgeous thing of finishing a poem while at the same time opening it out to a vaster world. Generally I don't like inversions, but, if used well, they can work for the poem.

I'll be back



or even - "It seems to me to be doing that gorgeous thing..." Honestly, I have to let my fingers catch up with my brain before I send these posts out.


gard at 02:28 on 22 August 2005  Report this post
Hi Fevvers

thanks. I am looking forward to some suggestions for improving this piece.


Xenny at 11:54 on 08 September 2005  Report this post
Hello there gard

I think it's beautiful. It seems to me you write extremely well.
I particularly like the first two lines - they have the sound of a pair of lines that just emerged in your head while you were focused on something, and then became a start of a poem. It perhaps happened very differently but that's the sort of feel they have.

Not a criticism: for me there was maybe too much in the poem to be able to appreciate it easily as a whole. But then after a few readings I get there!

I read the last two lines over and over as think I see why you had a bit of doubt (I'm not sure it doesn't work though). If it were mine I wouldn't want to lose the idea of navigating us through an an epoch, but it's hard to see how you could replace 'epoch beautiful' and still keep that same sense. Maybe if you leave it for a while and then look at it again you'll either decide you're happy with it after all, or something new will come to you.



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