Major Payne in Happy Bottom - Cat & Mouse Capers
Posted: 19 October 2009 Word Count: 482 Summary: This is the next Happy Bottom installment. I'd be grateful for your views.
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CAT AND MOUSE CAPERS
Eggs and bacon sizzling in pan the Major in comfy chair Moggy, Fireside, by the hearth curled up without a care.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose as Panic and Scurry scampered Fireside didn’t turn a hair their escape route wasn’t hampered.
Housekeeper squealed, climbed on chair the Major he gave chase Round and round the kitchen getting redder in the face.
T- towel flailed, crockery smashed old trophy fell from shelf Major Payne cursed the cat for not deploying stealth.
But all in all, the deed was done mice got clean away Later they would tell their tale and return another day.
Of Fireside, Major not impressed boot him out the door “If lazy brut won’t catch mice don’t need him any more!” Poor Fireside went off to the the barn, feeling all forlorn Bedding down in the straw, his future now to mourn.
Then one day...
‘Twittawoo’ said Olive owl fluffing feathers, on a beam Peering down on Fireside who was looking somewhat lean.
He hadn’t returned to the cottage since out on a boot he flew For to go home he must kill and that he could not do.
“What’s on the agenda today?” said Olive, now on stall As Scurry and Panic's noses poked through hole in wall.
But Fireside was ravenous and with life increasingly dire Just dreamed of going home to purr in front the fire. “Hey, you mangy mog,” said Scurry, in a friendly way “Let’s see if we can hatch a plan and try and save the day.
The Major kicked you out, 'cus you don’t like killin’ mice So you’ll just have to show him that you've taken his advice.”
Fireside looked at Scurry, Olive and Panic too Who then gathered round to discuss what they might do.
They spent the morning planning practiced everything on cue Till everyone was ready having carefully thought it through.
The drama was quite simple: 'Murder On The Lawn’ But hopefully, without the blood or bodies being torn.
Fireside played protagonist - a ‘ruthless killer cat’... The mice were to be sacrificed so moggy got his mat.
“Action!” ordered Fireside as Olive feared she’d fail But successfully managed to ram a twig and activate the bell.
Fireside, with mice on lawn had the Major’s full attention Panic though in fatal role did something can not mention!
The two mice scuttled round and round Fireside giving chase He picked them up, the deed was done and two lives went to waste.
When decoy Olive sat on fence and the Major looked her way Panic and Scurry scampered off but had they saved the day?
The Major grew suspicious - no corpse lay on the ground So Fireside started licking lips to make the act look sound.
But back indoors, in the warm if vermin were in cat “No fish for you,” the Major said, “until you’ve killed a rat.”
Comments by other Members
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NMott at 00:04 on 20 October 2009
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This reminded me of the rhyming stories in the old Ladybird books such as the Bunnikins stories. - I still have my old collection. 
I liked the first half with the major.
There were a few words in the second half which I didn't feel fitted so well. I'll go through and pick them out:
‘Cus to go home he must kill |
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'Cus
- think children would say 'Cos.
“What’s on the agenda today?” |
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agenda
- too adult.
and with life increasingly dire |
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dire
- old fashioned
'cus yeh don’t like killin’ mice
So yeh’ll just have to show him,
that yeh’ve taken his advice.” |
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yeh
- Not sure the colloquialism is necessary.
Fireside played protagonist - |
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protagonist
- too adult.
activate
- too adult
Panic though in fatal role
did something can not mention! |
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This whole poem is very clipped, the danger being the sentences can be too short to make sense on the first read through, and I think this is an example of that.
So Fireside started licking lips
to make the act look sound. |
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I don't think a child would understand what was meant by 'look sound'.
But back indoors, in the warm
if vermin were in cat |
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Again, I think there are too many connecting words missing to make the second line easily understood on the first read through.
Personally I'd prefer the lines to be a bit longer so the poems have a better rhythm.
- NaomiM
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NicciF at 05:50 on 20 October 2009
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Hi Joelle
Yet another great idea - where do you get them from?
I like the clipped short sentences, but then I'm probably looking at it from an adult's perspective, and not as a child.
I've spotted a couple of things.
Poor Fireside went off to the the barn, |
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“What’s on the agenda today?”
said Olive, now on stall
As Scurry and Panic's noses
poked out through the straw. |
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No matter how I say it can't get the same type of rhyme for stall/straw that you have in the other stanzas. Also it too me a moment or two to work out "stall" - not sure that your target audience would.
Same problem with fail/bell
“Action!” ordered Fireside
as Olive feared she’d fail
But successfully managed to ram a twig
and activate the bell. |
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Housekeeper squealed, climbed on chair
the Major he gave chase
Round and round the kitchen
getting redder in the face. |
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Think you either need a full stop after "chase" or a comma and lower case "r" on first "round".
Having said all this I love the idea that, contrary to the normal state of affairs, that a cat, an owl and 2 mice would all join forces.
Nicci
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Joella at 09:47 on 20 October 2009
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Thank you Naomi and Nicci. You've made some valid points and I've instigated a few changes, in light of them. This piece was originally two poems and I think I might reinstate them as such. Originally after Fireside was kicked out, you only knew what happened to him a couple of poems later with 'Murder On The Lawn.' Noami, you enjoyed what was the first poem the most and maybe part of the problem arises because I've put them together. I wondered about the colloquialism and as it's been mentioned, I've changed it. Nicci, to rhyme with stall -
as Scurry and Panic's noses
poked through hole in wall
Have a problem with fail and bell- any suggestions gratefully received.
I will look at the vocab, but part of my intention with Happy Bottom is to introduce words children might not know. Eg stall and dire, repeat in 'Pride and Perilous'.
Thanks again for your help. I've certainly made a lot of improvement to Happy Bottom poems with the help of WW members like you. Regards, Joella.
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NicciF at 11:05 on 20 October 2009
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Hi Joella
Glad you're finding this useful. I mus says I'm finding it great fun and enjoy reading each one.
I like the change you've made to stall/straw. I'll put my thinking cap on for fail/bell, however, due to unforseen noctural activities, not sure how much of a brain is working.
Don't worry not making vague hints at anything rude - was awake since 3am.
Nicci
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NMott at 12:58 on 21 October 2009
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I tried to think of a solution to fail/bell yesterday, but I'm afraid I failed.
I'm wondering if you need the 'bell' bit in at all, since (unless I missed it) it's the only time it's mentioned and it's not clarified why it's there (presumably to signal the mice). Could the owl use/do something else?
<Added>
Bolt of inspiration, maybe something along the lines of
“Action!” ordered Fireside
- if he was afraid it was hard to tell -
and Olive successfully rammed a twig
to activate the bell.
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Joella at 17:17 on 21 October 2009
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Hi Naomi, thanks for the suggestion. You've made me think. I've used your idea and come up with:
"Action!" ordered fireside
nervous, you could tell
As Olive managed to ram a twig
and active door bell.
Added 'door' instead of 'the' - bell.
Olive was trying to get the Major's attention - rang his door bell.
What do you think? Regards, Joella.
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NMott at 19:07 on 21 October 2009
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Yes I think the first 2 lines are ok.
Not sure the next 2 lines scan well, though, but clarifying it's the doorbell is good.
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Joella at 21:17 on 21 October 2009
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Okay, Naomi - think I finally have it....
“Action!” ordered Fireside
nervous you could tell
As Olive managed to ram a twig
and ring the Major’s bell.
I think this is the best I can do. What do you think? Regards, Joella.
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NicciF at 06:31 on 22 October 2009
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Excellent solution. This is just like interactive TV. To suggest a change press the red button now ...
Nicci
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Issy at 13:00 on 28 October 2009
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Made me chuckle!
Lots of work already done on the commenting side, so not too much to add. Very much like the amended"Action..." stanza.
“What’s on the agenda today?” I think this is off rhythm - is there an extra syllable in there? Threw me a little.
This is a jaunty piece, can see it illustrated, cartoon style.
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