IVAN ITCH OF SCRATCHY BOTTOM
Posted: 08 September 2010
Word Count: 196
Summary: Having written lots of rhyming stories about Major Payne in Happy Bottom, I've come up with a new character. Scratchy Bottom, like Happy Bottom, is a real place in Dorset. I'm rewriting the first series for younger children, as I don't feel they have a target audience at present. I'd be grateful for comments on this poem, for I hope it's suitable for 6/7 year olds. (?) Younger if read to, maybe?
Many thanks. Joella.
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IVAN ITCH OF SCRATCHY BOTTOM
(I've revised this from original posting)
Ivan Itch sailed the seven seas
but now the time had come
to say farewell to rats and fleas
that liked to bite his ... leg.
He wanted to be a farmer
find some land and that he did
buying up 'Scratchy Bottom'
from old, pot bellied, Sid.
Ivan Itch's Scratchy Bottom
had no house upon the land
so he built himself a cabin
and thought it very grand.
Trembling in his bed one night
he feared his heart would fail
when lightening struck, thunder roared
and wind force reached a gale.
A mighty storm picked up his house
and tossed it to the sky
the roof flew off, the walls fell down
and Ivan had to fly.
He travelled into outer space
and almost to the moon
then down, down, down past stars he fell
afraid he'd meet his doom.
A vicar standing with his flock
saw an angel in the skies,
but as man in white descended
they covered up their eyes.
Poor Ivan was embarrassed
when those who dared to glance
saw beneath the billowing nightshirt
his bright pink polka dot pants.
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Comments by other Members
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 Freebird at 11:26 on 09 September 2010
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couldn't resist a quick peek! It's a very funny, delightful and clever idea, but I think the rhythm of the lines need a bit of work. On reading it aloud, is is possible to squeeze the words in or stretch them out so they fit, but it's not obvious on first reading, and causes the reader to stumble.
First stanza needs changing - the first line doesn't scan so well and the fourth line doesn't rhyme. I can see why! And it's clever, but you might need to put an ellipsis in (those three dots - I learned that from a Year 2 child in school!)
So you'd have: 'that liked to bite his... leg'. Or even leave 'leg' out altogether and the child will shout out 'bum' anyway!
By the fourth stanza you've hit the right rhythm, but then it fades again.
It only needs little word tweaks to fix it up though, and I enjoyed it very much!
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 Joella at 11:39 on 09 September 2010
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Thank you, Freebird. Glad you like it. I concentrated on syllables per line. First time of writing to a set pattern, but I can see that some stanzas are a little clumsy. I'll make a few changes and see if I can tighten the rhyme.
Many thanks again, Joella.
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Catherine LW at 13:51 on 10 September 2010
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I'm a new member on this site so hopefully I've got the etiquette right for commenting on other people's work...
This is the first piece of writing I've looked at on here and I was drawn to the great title.
Really fun to read and easy to picture the character and the scene.
As freebird says, there are a couple of places where you have to concentrate to keep to the rhythm but on the whole it's great and the language used is fun and descriptive. The line I had most trouble with was in the second from last verse - 'On Earth, many gathered'. It didn't quite flow and I wonder if it would confuse younger readers. Could you say 'crowds watched' or something like that?
I have an 8 year old daughter and I think she would be the right sort of age for it and would enjoy the humour.
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NicciF at 16:29 on 11 September 2010
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Hi Joella
Love the title. You've got a great source of inspiration in these place names and they are just begging to be used.
I think the overall idea is great. The rhymes/rhythm just needs a little polishing (word change) here and there. Just about to go out now, so I've printed this out and will read/make suggestions tomorrow. Didn't want you thinking I was ignoring your itch.
Not a great one to ask about target age groups, however, I think you're about right when thinking of 6/7 readers and younger when read to.
Will "proper" comments tomorrow when I've had a chance to mull things over.
Bye for now.
Nicci 
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Joella at 16:55 on 11 September 2010
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Hi Catherine,
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing my work. I am honoured to be the first person you have commented on. Well done indeed for plucking up the courage. I found it very daunting to begin with. You should find a great deal of help on WW. Members are friendly and I continue to be amazed at how much time effort some put into helping fellow writers.
I have taken on board your comments and already made some changes. Penultimate stanza has caused some trouble, still not sure I like it. I hope the rest flows better now. I was pleased to read that you think your 8 year old daughter would like Scratchy Bottom.
Thanks again, Catherine and and all the best with your writing. Enjoy your time on WW.
Regards, Joella.
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Joella at 16:59 on 11 September 2010
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Hi Nicci
Thanks for the comment. Before you review, please read the amended version. I'd been meaning to alter it, but been busy with subsequent SB poems. This book will complement HB, though I think I'll try to publish it first.
Regards, Joella.
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Catherine LW at 21:28 on 12 September 2010
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Hi Joella
New version flows much better. I really like it, it's very funny and I can totally picture it. I would definitely buy a book of poetry like this for my daughter.
One tiny thing that I didn't notice last time. 'big, pot bellied Sid' is actually quite hard to say and also, big is also kind of unnecessary as pot bellied suggests he's big. I was wondering about changing it to something like 'old, pot bellied Sid'?
Just a thought anyway and you probably know best - poetry is not my forte!
I'm really enjoying being on Write Words although there don't seem to be enough hours in the day to look at it, but it's lovely how friendly and supportive everyone seems.
Catherine
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Joella at 22:43 on 12 September 2010
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Thank you, Catherine. I have taken your point on board and made the change you suggested. Good luck with your writing.
Regards, Joella.
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NicciF at 08:57 on 13 September 2010
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Hi Joella
Sorry I didn't make it back yesterday - lack of time as usual. I agree that this flows much better and the small changes you've made already have done the trick. Just a few more for you to consider.
I like the penultimate stanza and think it works well. The stanza which causes me the most trouble is the last. The rest of stanzas use full rhymes, where as glance and pants is a half-ish rhyme. I've included an alternative,although this still needs a little polishing.
As usual these are only my opinions so please feel free to use or ignore as you see fit. Any suggested new words are in CAPS. There are a few suggestions for deleting words which I've enclosed with [brackets].
Ivan Itch sailed the seven seas
but now the time had come
to say farewell to rats and fleas
that liked to bite his ... [leg]
He wanted to be a farmer
find some land and that he did
buying up 'Scratchy Bottom'
from old, pot bellied, Sid. (really like this change)
Ivan Itch's Scratchy Bottom
had no house upon the land
so he built himself a cabin
and thought it very grand.
Trembling in his bed one night
he feared his heart would fail
when lightening struck, thunder roared (this works much better)
and wind force reached a gale.
A mighty storm picked up his house
and tossed it to the sky
[then] the roof flew off, walls fell down
and Ivan had to fly.
He travelled into outer space
and almost to the moon
then down[, down, down] past stars he fell (don't think you need the reps)
afraid he'd meet his doom.
A vicar standing with his flock
saw an angel in the skies,
but as man in white descended
they covered up their eyes.
Poor Ivan was embarrassed
when he heard the people's snickers
for underneath his nightshirt
he wore pink flowery knickers. (couldn't get polka dot to work here  )
Hope these help.
Nicci
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NicciF at 09:21 on 13 September 2010
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Hi Joella
Just realised my brain wasn't in gear when I posted my comments. I forgot to use CAPS in the last stanza. Hopefully the changes are so obvious that this doesn't cause too much of a problem.
Also just remembered that I'd thought of an alternative 1st stanza which would solve the problem of the come/... leg "rhyme".
Ivan Itch had been a sailor
who had sailed the seven seas.
Time now to say farewell
to rats and lice and fleas.
Again needs a little polishing, so being offered as a starting point. Feel free to ignore, pull apart etc.
Nicci
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Joella at 16:04 on 13 September 2010
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Hi Nicci, thanks for the review. Been thinking about places you've highlighted and what about :
First stanza
Ivan Itch sailed the seven seas
but if he were full of rum
at night the wretched rats sand fleas
would bite him on the .... leg
Final Stanza
Poor Ivan was embarrassed
when those who dared to glance
saw beneath the flowing nightshirt
bright pink polka dot pants.
Let me know what you think. Thanks again. Really appreciate your help.
Regards, Joella.
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