kmerignac

Okay, I've finished a book and need some feedback. It's a novel about a parallel world: the heroine is a young girl, Jo. I'm looking for first chapters that make a reader want to know more. Would appreciate any comments on where I might be going wrong - and you're honesty will really be appreciated, no matter how hard it might seem! Should probably say that this first chapter is a bit hard going in places, so not for the faint-hearted. 

This is what I think I'd like to put as chap 2, although I was playing with it being chap 1 initially. It's a piece I've already submitted under another name, but have changed it somewhat since, so it's for those who haven't read it and those who'd like to compare! It introduces the young heroine, and if anyone thinks it's better as a chap 1 then let me know. Thanks for all your support so far, and once again honest comments only please! 

Here's the next installment... 

This is a short story I wrote a little while ago, but I'm new to this game and wanted some feedback. What do people think? 

One of the opening chapters of a story I've been playing with - all comments welcome!