hannahjane

An introduction to the character of Mervyn. 

I've finally realised that going over and over work, trying to improve it and decipher what's wrong all by yourself is a bit like trying to play a one man game of tennis! I have so many different versions of this extract, it would be fantastic if I had some feedback on this particular one to get some pointers on how it is/what works. (I should have done this a long time ago!). Thanks. 

This is a longer, different version of the last thing I posted, but it's not a revised version, just an old different one. Again, it's a little shoddy in terms of punctuation and fine-tuned sentence structure, because I wanted an overall reaction before going over it in detail. However, this start does have something to follow, so if it's generally ok, I'd like to revise it properly. Thanks! 

This is the first thing I've ever posted. I'm really just after a general opinion as to whether it's awful or ok. I'm playing with it as the beginning of a novel, but am not sure whether to go with something action-based instead (which has also been written). To be honest I am befuddled. Thanks for looking, I appreciate it!