hannahjane

An introduction to the character of Mervyn. 

I've finally realised that going over and over work, trying to improve it and decipher what's wrong all by yourself is a bit like trying to play a one man game of tennis! I have so many different versions of this extract, it would be fantastic if I had some feedback on this particular one to get some pointers on how it is/what works. (I should have done this a long time ago!). Thanks. 

This is a longer, different version of the last thing I posted, but it's not a revised version, just an old different one. Again, it's a little shoddy in terms of punctuation and fine-tuned sentence structure, because I wanted an overall reaction before going over it in detail. However, this start does have something to follow, so if it's generally ok, I'd like to revise it properly. Thanks!