kmerignac

This is a short story I wrote a little while ago, but I'm new to this game and wanted some feedback. What do people think? 

Here's the next installment... 

This is what I think I'd like to put as chap 2, although I was playing with it being chap 1 initially. It's a piece I've already submitted under another name, but have changed it somewhat since, so it's for those who haven't read it and those who'd like to compare! It introduces the young heroine, and if anyone thinks it's better as a chap 1 then let me know. Thanks for all your support so far, and once again honest comments only please!