Jason survived the COTS – Curse Of the Samba – just: thanks to an Argentine Tango performance from Kristina bordering on demonic. If this wild woman of dance gets any hotter, Jason will have to dance the final wearing oven gloves.

Truth be told, I was disappointed to see Holly and Artem out as they have shown us, inspired by Artem’s risk-taking, always inventive choreography; new ideas, inventiveness, flair, imagination and above all - style. Their Argentine Tango was in my view as dramatic and elegant as any on show last night and even passed Craig’s new terpsichorean critical criteria – the Vegemite test. For those innocents among you, Vegemite is a second-rate product undiscriminating Aussies claim threatens the supremacy of my mate Marmite. ‘Tis true that to be the better of just two salty, sticky yeast extracts is a modest claim to fame and the connection with the Argentine Tango can only exist in the dark shadows of the Horwoodian brain.

Angelic Alex crossed the river with Jordan to a united national chorus of “aaarrrhhhh” redolent of the untimely passing of Bambi’s Mum or the show-stopping heart-shaped firework at this year’s St Albans Bonfire Night firework display. JJJ (Jaundiced Jamie Jordan) of course claimed that Craig was punishing Alex because he didn’t like James. However it seems to me Craig was right if characteristically unkind when he said James’ choreography for the Salsa was a bit beyond her skill-set.

As the Reality TV show finally morphed into a serious dance competition it was clear that Alex was the weakest dancer of those remaining but she should, as Aleesha would, constantly, say, “be proud of herself”. Her hold on the MIC (most improved celeb) award may be tenuous as ‘C’mon’ Chelsee has improved to the point of possibly winning the whole glitter ball of wax. Game girl though Alex and immensely likeable.

The Big Drummer Boy Harry ‘pa-rumba-pum bum’ star of last week’s show excelled again this week with an impeccable Charleston and a heart-fluttering Ladies excuse-me-my-knees-are-trembling Viennese Waltz. Having marked him down last week for an in-growing foot Craig nitpicked his way out of getting his Yeti (ten) out with some banana oil about Harry’s head needing to be about a centimetre more to the left. Get a life Cruella: any more of this and Harry’s inamorata Bruno is likely to shove his paddle into a most painful part of your anatomy where sunlight is even rarer than a glimpse of your 10-bat.

Just to prove me wrong ‘C’mon’ Chelsee and the endearingly boyish Pasha, now shorn of Shrekkian green ears, knocked out an American Smooth and the newly named Pasha Doble with an assured confidence that knocked out the judges and even dislodged the padlock on Craig’s 10-paddle.

As already remarked, after a frantic hand-rolling, bum-wobbling Samba, Jason, whose expression flitted from lascivious leer, through manic grin, to eye-popping astonishment; Kamikaze Kristina reached her ultimate goal of maximum tango points - Jason and the Argie-noughts – all tens. (Sorry about that one). There were moments in this extraordinarily all-out display of passion when one wondered whether they’d reach the end with all parts of Kristina, and my what parts, still safely and decently retained within a profoundly stressed dress which had her teetering on the explosively undressed. While the sight might have been beautifully intoxicating, the consequences could have led to multiple casualties.

So then there were three. Four dances next week including the Smithfield Samba (Show Dance): meat-humping to music – a cross between an abattoir a cappella and the optional exercises on the Olympic gymnastics asymmetric parallel bars.

So let Blackpool rock and the Glitter Ball roll. Then we can all have a rest from the eroticism, athleticism, solecism and Strictly self-publicism for another short few months. After the Christmas special that is.

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Zettel, this was your Tonioli of reviews. I can just see the man himself leaping on the desk, tearing his jacket off his shoulders and launching into:

'Ooooooh, ZETTEL. What an extraordinarily all-out display of PASSION... with all parts of Kristina...'

La Goodman interjects: 'and MY, what parts...'

Concluded by Craig: '...decently retained within a pro-FOUND-ly stressed dress which had her TEE-tering on the explosively undressed, dahling...'

This was the best show so far. And this is a great series.
Keep up the good work!
Susiex