Like watching a different train wreck every week. I’ll miss it.

Necessarily language in what follows reflects the show itself.

Positively my last writing about this strange compulsive show. Raef’s already been on a game show – well it’ll keep him in cravats. What’s the betting Lucinda guests on ‘Have I Got News For You.’? Like a conjuror’s trick the producers have been distracting us week by week with the idea that it was all about how well made, strong and suitable the £100,000 top hat was: then suddenly at the end, the white rabbit of celebrity popped out and the hat became irrelevant. And just like the conjuror – we were willing conspirators, because we just love being conned. Tony Bliar founded a whole premiership on it.

Margaret Mountford was often the star of the show. Sitting on the right hand of he who must soon become the ‘lord’ she was proper, shockable and perpelexed with some of the Apprentices’ behaviour. This is an entirely fictional back-story for marvellous Margaret whose sense of humour I hope will forgive my ‘poetic’ licence.

(In the voice of a female version of Michael Caine in Get Carter)

Vignette 1 – Maggsy Mountford

‘ullow - Maggsy Mountford is my name
‘n I’ve been with the old Sugar Lump
since he took me off the game.
Watch out you don’t give me the ‘ump
‘cos I’m an unforgiving dame.
Me and Nick we’ll give you stick
so just don’t push your luck
Michael you’re a little prick
‘n I don’t give a monkey’s fuck
‘ow many bums you lick.
But smiley Alex – what’s that geezer for?
‘e’s just just a bleedin’ dick
should be heading for the door.
Oh I know, I know, ‘es only 24.

Vignette 2 – Raef

Hello there, my name’s Raef
not Ralph or rough or Rick
I like to keep my cufflinks safe
I’m a precious little prick.
But I’m a toff, a tophole chap, a gent
and just because I wash and shave
doesn’t have to mean I’m bent
though MIchael is my fave.
For working class, Sir Alan’s quite a pleasant chap
in a rough hewn sort of way
but he very nearly got a slap
for “have you had a handsome attack today.”
But these rough boys just swear and shout
like Lee “that’s what I’m talking about.”

Vignette 3 – Alex

Alright so my name’s Alex Wotherspoon
and today I’m gutted and I’ve cried a bit
I thought I’d win and shoot the moon
when I landed Lucinda in the shit.
If it hadn’t been for Helen Speight
I’d have soon shown Lee the door
a waste of space that people hate
her business skills are poor.
With my electrocuted pussy hair
and you’ll-forgive-me smile
to be a loser just isn’t fair
I should’ve won it by a mile
But I’m not worried watch this space
you’ll soon be sick of this face.


Vignette 4 – Helen

Hello it’s Horrid Helen hangin Here
but it’s someone else’s fault
I’m proud of me to get so near
Alex lost it for us the useless gobshite dolt.
Of course I take responsibility
that’s the kind of girl I’ve always been
in corporate duplicity
I’m the best they’ve ever seen.
I’ve been perfect all the while
but the others let me down
Lucinda was no substance only style
and louty Lee was just a clown.
Chubby Claire’s just a salesgirl see
not the complete businesswoman like me.

Vignette 5 – Claire

Hello it’s Rottweiler here
wondering what winning should involve
Lee was gibbering with fear
until I stiffened his resolve.
Strong women aren’t Sralan’s style I think
he hates challenge or dissent
I held my tongue, pulled back from the brink
but he would not relent.
Everything he wanted I could do
except flatter, bow and scrape
and when they landed me in the poo
I always managed sweet-smelling to escape.
Well I’m my own woman, and a lady
think I’ll piss off and work for Karren Brady.

Vignette 6 – Sir Alan

“No one’s like me I’m unique.”
Well yes old Sugar Lump that’s true
but the egotism is oblique
for who would want to be like you?
With wealth and fame and riches you can toy
but you can take the boy out of the East End
but not the East End out of the boy
however much you spend and spend.
Much to admire in this rough gruff man
courage, guts, the occasional flash of fun
but he bullies now because he can
and the wrong apprentice has just won.
Sralan’s choice must disappoint
he needs the skills he won’t appoint.

Vignette 7 – Lee

I’ve won! I’ve only won the fucking thing
and no one found me out
my Old Etonian behind the bling
I made up a perfect tout.
Just kidding guys as you already know
there’s less or even more to me than meets the eye
as my ‘bigged-up’ CV seemed to show.
A salesman’s linguistic infelicity – not a downright lie.
My pterodactyl was my pink beret
and worked just like a dream
got me noticed with eccentric cachet
I’m much more than I seem.
Watch out Sralan don’t push your luck
I’m richly famous now – and don’t have to give a fuck.

Okay, Zettel, this is great (tho' I haven't seen the final show yet) and the most telling line is:

Sralan’s choice must disappoint he needs the skills he won’t appoint.

But then, does he, if he has Magsy and Nick? Imagine what kind of person you'd get if you melded all three together...
NOW will you get on and write a review of Big Brother?
Pretty please?
Susiex

Please Miss - may I be excused Big Brother? I've got a note from my mum.


Z

Pah! Don't be such a wimp. Myrtle (and the rest of us) need you.
Susiex

Honest Miss - I've got a cold on my chest. And my kit is dirty cos my Mum didn't wash it. And I've got my per....no that won't work will it?

Z

Well, you could try...
Anyhow, you're wasting valuable reviewing time - already another BB episode is past and you are fiddling while Rome burns.
Susiex