Apprentice winning strategy – lie, grovel, suck-up, rat everyone else out. Muscular elbows and no honour or morals are also invaluable. Losing strategy – be different, intelligent, show any form of dissent, non-conformity or flair. It was a no-brainer which two people should have been fired this week – first the young man Adrian Chiles described perfectly as an “odious little twat” – Michael Sobollocks. But after Judas Who’s-Such-A-Prat the second most incompetent, prejudiced, unimaginative, boringly literal-minded person on the show this week – was Sralan himself.

No one, including every member of team-leader Lee’s Alpha team, thought they’d won. With a crude, garishly designed and merchandised box of tissues pitched with the most inept presentation since Sam Fox fucked up the Brit Awards, and supported by an advert of stupefying banality, team Alpha waited confidently for one of their number to get the Sugar Lump boot. Rightly.

Just as Sralan’s preference for this patronising, tenth-rate, badly cast, embarrassingly acted rubbish tells us more about him than the team who made it, so does the apparent judgement of the ‘professional’ advertisers who agreed with him. It appears, according to the advertising cognoscenti, that we the public must be told, several times what a tissue is, what it is used for and that miracle of miracle, some tissues are anti-bacterial, or we are too thick to want to buy one. The sole merit of Team Alpha’s excruciatingly embarrassing effort was that it repeated the obvious in colours so yuk as to make you ill enough to have dire need of the product being advertised. The earth-shattering merit it seems of this team’s conception was the name – a pun on ‘Atishu’. Well still my racing crossword-loving, marketer’s heart. There IS nothing factually new to say about tissues. Therefore innovation must be in the style and way you present an irreducibly familiar household product. That the professional advertisers were as contemptuous of the intelligence and perceptiveness of the buying public as Sralan himself, will surprise none of us based upon the literal, unimaginative general run-of-the-mill patronising advertising that bores us to tears each night.

In contrast Raef’s team’s concept had some real originality – hardly a watchword in the Amstrad Sugar-lump Empire – with style and subtlety. Yes they did make a basic mistake in not weaving the product name into their delightful, amusing, little ad. And casting Sian Lloyd was a waste of time and money. BUT with minor tweaking this nice little piece could have been an innovative way to promote and market a boring, functional product. With more editing discipline they would have cut the Sian Lloyd stuff, developed the narrative of the two little kids a touch and most importantly just faded in and faded out the brand image at the beginning and during the delightful little cameo story they told of the little boy giving the little girl he liked and who liked him, one of his tissues. One of the fade-ins would have included the bacteriological message. Thus tweaked, and it would have taken virtually no time to do, and a better name to go on the nicely designed box and they would have had a subtle, different little ad that made us smile, not bad for a boring, banal everyday product.

By contrast Spielberg, Lucas and Harrison Ford with 1000 hours in the editing suite could never have made Team Alpha’s dreadfully pitched and bitched about effort even watchable let alone effective.

Every week the commonest vice is Apprentices saying one thing, then picking up a different line from Sralan and immediately tacking round to sycophantically massage his ego and his judgment. This is Sobollock’s genius, in evidence again this week. Even Margaret Mountford, one of his senior Executives did exactly the same thing this time. Once the Bully Boy Wonder has pronounced - he loves nothing better than to watch people all falling into line.

Although Raef may well, I’m not sure, have been what the French call ‘du cinema’ – all show and no substance, it was grotesque that he was fired and Sugar lump’s apparent early youth alter ego was again reprieved. You just knew rakish Raef was too smart, too nice, too eccentric for the BBW who likes his staff submissive, ordinary, grafting grovellers. There is no way Sralan is going to have anyone of intellect or defiance anywhere near him. Claire’s already his choice. He’ll find a reason to ditch loopy Lucinda soon as she again will stand up to him like Claire but have a broader educational and cultural base that will unsettle him.

The whole premise of the Apprentice is that Sralan actually knows what he is talking about. In terms of modern concepts of management and leadership he’s a disaster – a fact that he would of course delight in because he’s “unique, no-one’s like me.” Raef, for whom the BBW’s contempt was total, explicit and visceral, demonstrated a better understanding of sound concepts of management and leadership than the Little Big Man who fired him. Asked what he had learned, as ever gracious in a slightly irritating way, the smoking jacket smoothie said he had learned that “a good leader is one who inspires confidence in him by those he leads; and that a great leader is one who inspires in those he works with, confidence in themselves.” In an uncertain world, the one thing we can be absolutely certain of is that whoever Raef learned that lesson from – it sure as hell was not Sir Alan Sugar.


<Added>

Amstrad Retail Sugar Empire perhaps?

Z

<Added>

Apologies - Alex of course led Team Alpha thiw week. Though at times you wouldn't have noticed.

Z

<Added>

Raef's lesson:

from Lao Tze methinks. At least the man can read: and thinks it's worth doing so.


Z

Great review, as ever, Zettel. I've been saving up last week's Apprentice as a treat and have just finished it. HOW DOES SOBOLLOCKS GET AWAY WITH IT? How does he? Of course the decision was based purely on S'Ralan's prejudice against 'toffs'. Raefism, you might call it.
Though I disagree with the whole world about the adverts. Yes, compared with the slick objects we're used to viewing, they stood up badly. But given the time-scale (one day?) in which these teams who had never filmed anything in their lives were expected to come up with a concept, a brand, a pack, a strapline, a poster and an advert (which must run to 30" precisely), I think they did jolly well. So there.
Couldn't believe SoB at the end: "Raef was a good friend. The whole thing has been a terrible ordeal for me." ARGH!
At least Raef got his just desserts in the You're Fired programme. He didn't deserve to be fired, unless it was for his cow-pat hairdo. Pass me the tissues.
Susiex