Found this gem hidden within the pages of The Creative Writing Coursebook - "Going the last inch - some thoughts on showing and telling" by Lindsay Clarke. Letter from Conrad in 1899 demonstrates the truth of the the phrase 'less is more'. When asked by a friend to give his opinion on some stories he'd written, one of which contained these sentences: "When the whole horror of his position forced itself with an agony of apprehension upon his frightened mind, Pa' Tua for a space lost his reason. He screamed aloud, and the hollow of the rocks took up his cries and hurled them back mockingly." Conrad sharpened the passage by simply cutting a quarter of his words.
Why not have a go at trying to work out which words he slashed! Virtual mince pie and glass of sherry for the best answer. (I haven't got the answer by the way!)

Hmm - good challenge! Well, if I had to edit this myself I suppose I would reduce it to:

The horror of his position forced itself upon his mind. Pa' Tua lost his reason. He screamed. The hollow of the rocks took up his cries and hurled them back.

Or similar. Done this without rewriting, of course. Just cut down the number of words.

Anyone else?
Could my mince pie have puff pastry please?

"When the horror of his position forced itself upon his frightened mind, Pa' Tua lost his reason. The rocks took his cries and hurled them back."

More than a quarter lost...

still a bit overdone though, isn't it!

vanessa (the other one)

Mince pies all round, I'd say.

Good to see we all have a different take on this. I saw the key being "cutting", rather than rearranging. Mine is:

When the whole horror of his position forced itself upon his frightened mind, Pa' Tua screamed aloud. The hollow of the rocks took up his cries and hurled them back mockingly.


Colin

There's a big difference between cutting and rewriting - original posting said 'cutting', so I took this to mean the removal of words without the changing-around of their order. Interesting exercise!

Yes, Colin-M, you're cheating!

Eh?

No I'm not:

When the whole horror of his position forced itself with an agony of apprehension upon his frightened mind, Pa' Tua for a space lost his reason. He screamed aloud, and the hollow of the rocks took up his cries and hurled them back mockingly


I'm tempted to cut that last line too, the same as Vanessa, because it's the rocks that echo, not the hollow, and it's so much stronger without the adverb.

Last attempt: When the whole horror of his position forced itself upon his frightened mind, Pa' Tua screamed aloud. The rocks took up his cries and hurled them back.

No, the bit about rearranging came from the way I continually rearrange my own sentences when editing and find alternative, rather than more concise, ways of saying the same thing. It's only since having someone else edit my own work that I can see how simply cutting words is better than rewriting them.

I love these little exercises. Anyone want a silly puncutation one? (think I've posted it before, mind)

Colin

If it's just cutting, my solution's the same as Colin's.

When the whole horror of his position forced itself upon his frightened mind, Pa' Tua screamed aloud, and the rocks took up his cries and hurled them back mockingly.

If I can rewrite, it would be something like this (italics are words I've added)

When the whole horror of his position forced itself upon him, Pa' Tua lost his reason. He screamed aloud, and mockingly the rocks hurled back his cries.

I don't think it's as good as Conrad - I rather like the over-doneness, though I think 'an agony of apprehension' is very weak: either it's apprehension = understanding, which we already know from 'forced itself upon...', or it's apprehension = fear/anticipation, which doesn't make sense. (though maybe it does in the wider context - is something horrible now unavoidable?)

Emma

I don't know the piece, but the original has a certain gothic campness to it - you can almost hear the sonorous tones of Noel Coward as he sits in a smoking jacket, by a dying fire, with a brandy in his hand.

The cut versions are tight and contemporary, but don't have the same character.

Sorry Colin-M - I misread your piece. Please DO post your punctuation execise. You've just jogged my memory and I'm going to post one I know of old. Is it the same as yours, I wonde?

I got the same solution word-for-word as your first go at it Colin, kept in the hollow cos I found it made me visualise the bounce of the echo quite nicely.

It's not Conrad, is it, the original?

Pete

When the horror of his position forced itself upon his mind, Pa' Tua lost his reason. He screamed, and the hollow of the rocks hurled his cries back.

<Added>

When the horror forced itself upon Pa'Tua's mind, he screamed. The hollow of the rocks mocked his cries.

<Added>

The horror of his position made Pa' Tua scream, and his cries were hurled back by the rocks, mocking him.

Pa' Tua screamed... eamed... eamed.

<Added>

(that was an echo. crap, wasn't it)

I like this game.

"The horror of it!" screamed Pa' Tua. All he could hear echoing around him was "The horror, the horror, the horror."