Could I have some advice on how to punctuate the following piece of text, here's how I have it right now:

“Is that a deal lad?” he’d asked. “Yes Dad,” Jacko had said. “That’s a deal” and his father had slipped the velvet bag..."

I've not used a full stop after "That's a deal" cos I want it to flow and cos the speech is kind of part of the action of the sentence. Is that a complete no-no and do I have to put in a full stop and then capitalise the 'and'????

Thoughts appreciated.

Pete

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Or should it be:

“Is that a deal lad?” he’d asked. "Yes Dad,” Jacko had said, “that’s a deal,” and his father had slipped the velvet bag...

Help

Yes, I think you need a comma after 'deal', but I don't think you need a full stop. As you say, it's all part of one sentence. I'm sure I've written things punctuated that way. (In fact I'd be tempted to put a comma after 'Jacko had said' if you really want it to read as one sentence, though I can never remember if 'That' should then be capitalised.)

Emma

Thanks Emma that was going to be my next question, about the t! Wonder if there's a definive right or wrong here or whether at some point it comes down to a matter of taste...

Pete

First off, you need commas before ‘lad’ and ‘Dad’. If you use names, or substitutes for names – like ‘lad’ – you should always precede them with a comma. Trouble is, that would make this bit of dialogue look like an explosion in a comma factory.

“Is that a deal, lad?” he’d asked. "Yes, Dad,” Jacko had said, “that’s a deal,” and his father had slipped the velvet bag...

I think the second ‘deal’ should be followed by a full stop and then a capital A, because it’s the end of the line of dialogue. (but I have no idea about the t)

Realistically, you wouldn’t have all this on one line, would you? It’s two characters speaking, so it should be:

“Is that a deal, lad?” he’d asked.
"Yes, Dad,” Jacko had said, “that’s a deal.” And his father had slipped the velvet bag...

But I'm wondering why you want to break up Jacko’s line? Could you try:

“Is that a deal, lad?” he’d asked.
"Yes, Dad, that’s a deal.” Jacko had said, and his father had slipped the velvet bag...

Seems smoother to me, but it’s your call.

Dee

Thanks Dee

Yep ordinarily I'd break the dialogue into lines but I'm finding it works well run together like this... I mean is it ok to do that? Or are there some hard-and-fast rules that shouldn't be broken? The comma after each use of a name I find hard to bear - again would you advocate sticking to that rule in this particular situation, where, as you say, it would look like a comma outbreak?

Thanks for taking the time

Pete

Just a comma, inside the quotes. It would be the same as if it was a single line of speech, ie:

'That's the deal,' said John.

"deal" is the end of John's sentence, but not the end of our sentence.

You would never have: 'That's the deal.' said John.

Your sentence appears more complex because it's longer, but the simple rule still applies. Saying that, it should really be split so we know the two quotes from Jacko are both his, and the dialogue isn't flipping from character to character, so unless this is dialogue, the full sentence should really be:

“Is that a deal lad?” he’d asked.
“Yes Dad,” Jacko had said. “That’s a deal,” and his father had slipped the velvet bag..."

However, I get a feeling that this is all dialogue. If that's the case then different rules apply, because in quoted speech, punctuation is kept outside the quotes.

ie:

‘“Is that a deal lad?”, he’d asked. “Yes Dad”, Jacko had said. “That’s a deal”, and his father had slipped the velvet bag...’

is that clear as mud?

Colin M






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Totally up to you about whether "that" should be capitalised or not. Depends whether you feel Jacko is saying "Yes, Dad, that's a deal." or "Yes, Dad. That's a Deal." - for me, I think the former looks smoother.

ps, when I started to reply to this, there were not other replies. Guess these puzzles get everyone going. Great brain food. :)

Thanks Colin


Thanks

It isn't all dialogue, but I see what you mean. I agree about the small t, plus it makes it clearer it's Jacko still talking.

What kind of brain food were you thinking? Spaghetti?

Pete

Pete,

I feel that it should be on two lines as it is two separate people talking, and comma not full stop becase it isn't the end of the sentence.

So -

“Is that a deal, lad?” he’d asked.
"Yes Dad,” Jacko had said, “that’s a deal,” and his father had slipped the velvet bag...

Dee's suggestion is good, as it does make the whole second sentence flow easier.

"Yes, Dad, that’s a deal.” Jacko had said, and his father had slipped the velvet bag..

But, I would still put a comma after deal, not a full stop. So -

"Yes, Dad, that’s a deal,” Jacko had said, and his father had slipped the velvet bag..

Hope this helps,

Katerina

Thanks Katerina

Grr. Don't know what to do. I'm feeling quite hooked to running it all together cos that's how it's been since the start. In fact I've not used line breaks at all for speechin the whole thing and it seems to work ok - it's part of a flash by the way, if that makes a difference. Here's the whole para, what do you think about no line breaks...?

It was a superb catapult. Deadly. The handle was made of hardwood and its elastic from a single piece of thick, dark rubber. Jacko’s dad had bought it home on his last leave from Afghanistan. “Don’t go pointing it at anybody lad,” he’d said, roughing Jacko’s hair. “Strictly for the birds right? Bring a pigeon home, how about that? How about some pigeon pie?” His father had laughed and pulled off his big sergeant’s cap and put it on Jacko’s head. “Is that a deal lad?” he’d asked. “Yes Dad,” Jacko had said. “That’s a deal” and his father had slipped the velvet bag of steel ball-bearings into his hand. Then he had put his arm around Jacko’s stepmother and disappeared for the rest of the day.

Thanks

Pete

Hi Pete,

Well, set out like that, it actually does read okay. I would put a comma instead of a full stop after 'said' in -

“Yes Dad,” Jacko had said. “That’s a deal” and his father had slipped the velvet bag of steel ball-bearings into his hand.

But at the end of the day, I dont think there is a precise right or wrong, just a preferred way, so go with what you prefer.

Katerina

Katerina

You're right about the comma.

Thanks for coming back on that.

Pete