I think I've pinpointed where i'm getting confused: it is with the MC's POV and the narrator's voice.

eg: I am writing the book from A's point of view. H is a minor character and in this scene talking to A. I want to write:

"And...?" replied H, like a prisoner just granted parole.

Is this okay? Surely this is me, the narrator/writer, commenting on H's emotional state and therefore ok?

Casey

Well… you have to beware of the dreaded Author Intrusion. This is where you jolt the reader out of the character’s head and remind them they’re reading fiction.

like a prisoner just granted parole

If A is thinking this, it’s OK. But if it reads like your comment on H, then you’re intruding into the narrative and reminding readers that this is you, the author. They don’t want to be aware there’s a writer involved, they want to feel they're experiencing the story as it’s happening. Yes, I know they know they're reading but, when they forget - when they get lost in the story - that’s good writing.

Dee

But doesn't such a sentence contribute to what's called 'tone'?
(i'm not disagreeing with you, Dee, i'm genuinely trying to put this confusion to bed)

So would it be best to try and convey that A sees H feels like this??

Thanks,

Casey

Yes, Dee's right. If I read that example, I tend to think, 'who says it's like a prisoner granted parole?'. If that's a simile that A wouldn't use for example, I'm jerked away from seeing things through A's eyes, into that rather uninvolved bird's-eye-view on the scene. That risks me not feeling involved and caring about A anymore, which is a disaster in a story meant to be told from her POV

It's fine to have the Author's eyes as another POV, and use it to observe, report and comment - and of course that can include commenting on A's behaviour as well. It can seem rather old-fashioned and 19th Century, though, if it's too opinionated, and I'd say that you'd need to establish it clearly as another PoV, not just slide into it by mistake, and balance it out with other PoVs, as clearly established.

Emma

Yes, if you can write it so that A is observing, and reacting, to H, you keep the reader absorbed in the story.

It ain’t easy, this business, is it?

Dee

Is the word 'like' a problem; it implies a judgement has been made as to what H is like. Who has made the judgement - A or the author? How about: "And..." replied H, seeming to A a prisoner just granted parole.

It's tricky all this POV stuff. I'm going to have to go all through my text analysing it. Joy!

DaveB

It certainly isn't, Dee!

'too opinionated' - that's an excellent soundbite, Emma, that i'm going to bear in mind whilst narrating - and aim to avoid.

Dave, that's a good alternative, thanks - i've also got a bit of re-reading to do!

Casey

Just completely off-thread; does this site not run on summer time or is everybody else an hour behind me!?

DaveB

You should be aiming for a third person POV which is not that different from first person, before trying anything more complicated. In other words, A's voice should be all but first person--her thoughts and observations only. The difference is, because it's third person, you won't be limited entirely to A's immediate perceptions.

So, the 'voice' you're looking for is one that sounds authentic to A. The similie about a prisoner on parole doesn't sound authentic. Imaging A is telling you this story face to face and uses such a similie--your immediate reaction would be, "How do you know?" It's a weak similie anyway, since I'd expect that even someone who regularly sees prisoners' faces when they're being granted parole would say that they actually vary considerably, depending on the person.

<Added>

'Simile', sorry.

Yeh i've always wondered about that...

Casey

So, Terry, does that mean i can comment on a minor character's state, as long as it sounds like A's voice?
Or should i actually spell it out by saying
A noticed that H...
A sensed
A thought

etc?

Thanks

Casey

You can comment on any other character’s state as perceived by the viewpoint character. And you don’t necessarily need to say A noticed, or whatever, unless it’s been a long while since you mentioned A by name.

I have to say I agree with Terry, that it isn’t a great simile. I would stop reading to wonder what a prisoner just granted parole would look like. Maybe it would be better to simplify it and say something like:

‘And?’ H looked confused/thrilled/horrified/whatever.

But it’s difficult to comment on a single line taken out of context. It might be that A deals with prisoners every day, in which case the simile would be appropriate.

Dee

Thanks for that, Dee.

No, there are no prisoners in the book!
I've just had some positive feedback from an editorial agency but they did point out my 'overwriting'. Maybe i do need to start simplifying things a bit.

Casey

Why not upload a section into the archive? We might be able to be more specific if we see it.

Dee

Thanks, Dee, I'll do that. I'll try and find a section where i might be slipping out of POV.

Casey