I'm having a huge problem writing a sex scene in my novel and would be very grateful for any advice.

I don't have any problem writing sex scenes when my characters are having bad or indifferent sex - the problem here is that it's vital to the plot that these characters have an absolutely amazing experience. The idea of writing in any kind of detail about really good sex just makes me cringe, since I can't help but think I'd be revealing something very personal about myself. And how can I do that when my Mum's going to read it?! My mother-in-law's going to read it!

I know this sounds like a stupid problem (and that I sound like I'm blushing like some kind of maiden aunt - actually, I am!) but I'm completely paralysed by embarrassment and can't write a word. Part of me thinks I should just have a few gin and tonics and get on with writing it but that doesn't help with the fundamental problem that, even if I manage to write it, I can't bear the thought of anyone reading it.

I'm really starting to think that I can't be any kind of decent writer if I can't get over this. Any advice?

Thanks for reading this, and I hope you appreciate the effort it's taken to write all this without making any stupid "oo-er matron"-style double entendres!!

Hi hd,

i overcame this by realising that if i wrote a really good scene, anyone who reads it is only human and will actually enjoy it - including my brother, dad, or anyone else!

I let my husband read my first ever sex scene and my theory was confirmed (plus he gave me some useful comments from a male viewpoint).

Recently i let my dad look at my work for the first time and he read part of a sex scene out aloud - i think to deflect a bit of embarrassent, but it led to an amusing discussion.

Of course, we'd both had a glass of vino which helped

Casey

HD, don't forget that the best sex happens in the reader's head, so you only need to give him/her enough to set it going: you don't need any more plumbing than essential to keep the reader understanding who's doing what to whom.

And just imagine that your mother/mother in law/etc. don't speak English, and won't ever read it.

There's a good book called The Joy of Writing Sex which is well worth having a look at.

Emma

Yes, that's book's really good, actually. And don't worry about your mum - my mother complains there isn't enough sex in my books and could she have more, damn it!!! (Not bad for a 73-year-old ...)

)

A
xxx

Thanks, everyone, for the excellent advice. I suppose one consolation is that, even if my mother does read the novel, she will never EVER comment on the sex scenes! I'm still waiting for her to tell me the facts of life, and I'm 29 years old with two kids! Actually, come to think of it that may explain a lot...

In TMOL I had the opposite problem, in that a tutor said that all the sex scenes in it were good sex, and that that wasn't enough like real life. I just looked smug.

But she had a point in general, tho' I hope not in TMOL's particular case. There is a sort of ghastly purple prose that even okay writers can fall into when dealing with good sex, complete with embarrassing metaphors. In some ways good sex is harder to get right than bad - depressing, isn't it, that we should find embarrassment and distaste harder than joy... On the other hand, in real life even the most wonderful sex in the world can still be wonderful with the odd moment of 'Can you get your elbow off my hair?' and 'Pass the tissues, please?' I speak as one who... No, I'm not drunk enough to tell that one.

Most of the problems with writing sex are actually acute examples of the problems of writing anything. The best safety net is the exactness of your writing. You don't need over-the-top adverbs if you get the verbs right, you don't need purple adjectives if you get colours and textures and sounds and smells right, you don't need elaborate metaphors if you get what the characters are thinking right in their own voice. And you don't have to write every bloody move either: sometimes the best sex is best conjured up in one of the mose useful three letter words of all: * * *

Emma

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Tch! Maybe I'm drunk after all:

that we should find embarrassment and distaste easier to write than joy...

Emma,

You've lost me!

What is purple prose?

And, i know i'm probably being dense, but what is the three letter word?

Casey

<Added>

aahh, i've just got it.

depressing, isn't it, that we should find embarrassment and distaste harder than joy...

So true!

I think the problem is that it's easy to keep a veneer of professional detachment when writing about bad sex - you're just revealing more about your characters, without there being any particular suggestion that you're writing from your own experience. I'm not sure you can do that when writing about good sex.

Plus of course it's incredibly difficult to go into any kind of detail without using cringe-making euphenisms or getting a bit gynaecological! I guess the thing to do is to stick, as far as possible, to describing feelings, rather than what's physically happening. Does that make sense?

<Added>

Obviously I meant to quote your correction, Emma, rather than the original post!

I put a thread up like this about a year ago when I discovered that I can't - not at all - write sex scenes. So I don't.

Emma has a good point about leaving more to the imagination, because as soon as you go into detail it can look tacky or worse, the reader might not be able to relate to it as "good". And as more and more boundaries are being broken, more details are added to the sex scene boiling pot, details that might bring cheers of "wheheeyyyyy" from some and "bleaargghhh" from others.

For some reason a scene from Peep Show comes to mind, where Jeremy is shagging his new girlfriend and getting increasingly bored, so he suggests, "do you want to stick your finger up my arse?" The reaction is "What? Why on earth would I want to do that?" Jeremy looks miffed but agrees, as though it was a stupid suggestion in the first place.

Colin M

Casey, purple prose is using euphemisms like sex shaft, love tunnel (pronounced leurrrve….tunnel), manhood, and metaphors like waves crashing on beaches, popping champagne corks.

Can be hilarious – but you wouldn’t want it in your own writing!

Dee

Thanks, Dee

And while we're on clichés, how about the one that maintains - in the teeth of all the evidence - that it's possible for a gorgeous hunk (or indeed anyone) to take their own jeans off 'in one swift movement'.

I'm sure sex scenes have had more than one thread fairly recently, as Colin says. Maybe a site search would throw up something. (WW probably about the only place on the internet you could safely use that as a search term.)

Emma

I kind of do 'dirty sex' in my stories these days. I like it gritty. I've always written love/sex scenes kind of how I personally experience these things in my own life, with a bit of general gossip and fantasy thrown in. I guess the eventual realism depends on how real the experience felt. When writing Unrequited, I tended to put down a lot of fleeting encounters to 'research'.

Yes, I am quite able to suffer for my art.

JB





<Added>

Lol@ 'one swift movement'. People shuffle and fight out of clothes I find, unless they wear Chippendale-style costumes, which, let's face it, not many people do.

Judging by the passage I've just read in Pink Champagne and Apple Juice, I would say Anne is something of an expert in writing sex scenes!

I used to be very nervous about using swear words or writing sex scenes for fear that my parents would read them but I had to get over it. There are quite a few sex scenes in my latest piece and my tips are avoid euphemisms for genitals and be subtle! Sometimes it's better to talk about the sensations than to graphically describe the act. Make some things obvious but hint at the rest!