Hi all,

I wish punctuation could be a friend and not a master, I guess with experience it might be one day, but until then...

Does this work? I mean, can I write this sentence this way without getting told off? (I'm worried about bamboo under the fingernails and a light shining in my eyes here! )

He swallowed, said simply, “Thanks,’’ then quickly sat at her side, his cheeks warming at the invite.

Hopefully the context is not needed. Your advice would be most welcome.

Regards, Andy

It works for my money but I know nuffink.

I shouldn't reply to this since my punctuation stinks. However, I thought that you only used a comma at the end of speech if it was followed by a speech tag. So, I would have thought that you would have needed a full stop after the thanks. I'm probably wrong.

Midnight, a full stop after "Thanks" would make the second half of the sentence ungrammatical if it stood alone, so the comma is correct.

To me, that sentence reads as both accurate and really nicely formed. It flows well and is interesting syntactically whilst remaining naturalistic. Nice style!

I agree - the sentence is correctly punctuated as it stands.

Thank you all, I did try it with a full stop after the speech but then had to start the next bit with 'He then quickly sat at her side...', which didn't flow at all. I hope I'm right in thinking that even if speech is in the middle somewhere, as long as the sentence as a whole works, it's correct.

Yes, I think it's fine, for all the reasons everyone's said - you need the ." because the whole thing is grammatically (and rhythmically and logically) a single sentence.

Emma

<Added>

you need the ,"

Oi loikes it.

Hi Emma, I guessed that's what you meant, but I'm glad you amended your comment, it doesn't take much to get me confused!

Thanks again everyone.

Grammar aside, I think it's a little cluttered. You've got swallowing, saying simply, moving quickly, sitting and cheek warming, all in one sentence. I'm also not sure about the sequencing. Wouldn't his cheeks have warmed before all the other actions, since she's clearly just invited him? Put at the end, I first of all thought you meant bum cheeks, i.e. because he's just sat on them. And this may just be me, but the flow always hits a bump with actions like swallowing. I think this comes from cartoons and sitcoms, where blinking and swallowing are used as significant pauses. But in real life, everyone just swallows naturally; they don't really do it for dramatic effect. Do they?

Terry

I think people are more conscious of things like swallowing, when nervous or scared. It's also associated with the phenomenon of a dry mouth, which is a real effect of nerves.

I think the sentence is okay. It didn't jar in any way with me. I can't judge beyond what's there, though, so there's no way of telling if it works in its context.

I first of all thought you meant bum cheeks

I don't know about you, Terry, but I've never blushed with those. Not that I've noticed, anyway.

Well, the sentence only says he swallowed, not why. But it's probably not a big deal. And authors telling us someone blinked gets more of my goat, because I don't think anyone ever blinks with meaning.

As for blushing with my bum cheeks . . . no, but again the sentence doesn't say 'blushing'; it says 'warming', and without going into too much detail, my bum cheeks have warmed on occasion for various reasons. It's partly perhaps the way one reads. I'm pretty visual, so I see him sitting at her side, then I read 'his cheeks warming . . . ' and my mind continues with the visual until I realise later that it means his face cheeks. Which is what I meant by possible bumps in the flow.

Terry

I think it reads okay, but I agree that the having the word 'sat' so close to 'cheeks' does sort of steer the brain towards the wrong cheeks.

And I would probably lose the word 'simply' because I don't really think it adds anything. The word 'quickly' does give you a nice sense of rushed anxiety.

I could be wrong but I think you've started with a set of double quotes and finished off with two singles.

Thanks Terry, I had meant it as a grammar question but I'm glad you made that point. I hadn't seen that and I'll have another look to make sure those rosy cheeks are situated in the appropriate part of the anatomy! I think in the same chapter I've mention of blinking too. I'd best scurry off and check that out as well!

Thanks for spotting that, Dom. It was just a moment of keyboard lazyitis, in the final draft the quotes are correct!