Apologies for what may be a silly question, but I think I have a brain freeze.

I'm trying to apply the 'new action/person speaking, new paragraph' rule, but I'm getting horribly confused. Please, how would more experienced heads set out the following:

‘Of course you do.’ Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes. ‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg . ‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

(Yup, I know it's pretty rubbish writing, I promise to polish later!)

Any help gratefully received.

I think I would split it into 2 paragraphs:

‘Of course you do.’Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes.
‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’
He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg.
‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

Maybe add that he steps forward before putting his arm round her waist, because she'd initially stepped away from him so theres space between them.

<Added>

oops, that didn't work. Another attempt:

‘Of course you do.’Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes.
‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg. ‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’


<Added>

Her non-verbal response to his actions would count as dialogue, hence the separation into 2 parts.

I'm probably being thick, but who is actually saying which bits of dialogue?

Emma

Hi Emma,

The male character is speaking all of the dialogue, which may be what's making it difficult to set out correctly.

I imagine it would be a lot clearer if one had read the previous paragraphs but I was also confused at first. Then I concluded that it was him speaking throughout. If that is the case, then splitting up the paragraph would increase the confusion by suggesting that there is a change of speaker. I'd leave it at one paragraph but, if the previous section doesn't make it absolutely clear that the words being said in this para could only be his (because of their content), I would put in some tag or tags that identified the speaker for the reader.

Alternatively, to avoid the intrusion of tags, changing the order around might make things clearer. If ‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ came after 'he scrubs his hand over his face' it would more obviously be him speaking, but 'the moment passes' creates ambiguity and could be placed after the spoken words. Similarly 'like being kissed by an iceberg' is what she is feeling but is followed by him speaking - ambiguity again that could be resolved, perhaps by him doing something before speaking.

Chris

Ah, okay... I too would leave it as one paragraph, as it's one speaker - I don't think it's too long, and it's very much all part of it. Indeed, I'd suggest that having it all as one continuous-ish action highlights the fact that she doesn't speak - reminds us of her silence.

I know that with a wider context it might all be clearer, because knowing the characters better makes us pick up more instinctively who must have said what. But generally speaking the problem with breaking it up so the new para starts with a speech is that instinctively the reader reacts to the new paragraph as being a new speaker unless it kicks off with something to make it very clear it isn't. So, if you do feel it goes on too long to be a single paragraph, or there's a real jump in time or subject, I would either re-jig to make it clearer that we're still with him talking, or simply use a speech tag.

‘Of course you do.’ Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest.

Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes. ‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg . ‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

or something like [bad example coming up]:

‘Of course you do.’ Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face.

Only after that does he say,‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg . ‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

Emma

Astrea, I think it's lovely writing so please don't apologise.

‘Of course you do.’ Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes. ‘Fine,' he says. 'You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg . (Then he adds)‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? (he adds) I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

That's all I'd do. Splitting it up into two paras will confuse rather than clarify. A literary reader will surely work it out that he's doing all the talking pretty well immediately just because there is only one para.

Thanks everyone,

I think I wanted it to all go together, but was woried about it seeming too long.

Jem, that's a quick and simple solution, thanks. Don't know why I didn't think of it myself, but you know what it's like when you can't quite get something right...I sort of get hypnotised by what's in front of me and can't make the brain think round it

Thanks again.

<Added>


It is clear from the rest of the chapter who's speaking, so I don't think there will be any confusion there, but I can definitely see that posting a small out-of-context snippet makes it harder to work out.

I take it the woman is the pov character. If so, the reader would be privy to her thoughts.

<Added>

...Makes it harder to empathise with the MC without them.

Yes, she's the pov character for most of the story, certainly for this chaper.

Astrea, although it's all his speech, it does switch to her POV inbetween and, although it may not be technically 'correct', my gut tells me to break it up a little, like this:

‘Of course you do.’

Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes. ‘Fine. You need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’

He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg . ‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

Thanks Jan

But it is all still her POV, isn't it?

I'm not arguing, just double-checking because I am not a technically-knowledgeable writer and anything I get right, it's pretty much by instinct.

How I understand POV is that anything my MC sees/hears/feels/interacts with in some sort of way is in her POV. I can state how another character says/does something but not go into the thought processes behind it unless I switch to his POV.

Please tell me I've got this right...

It's all her POV, yes, and perhaps what I meant to say is that I feel the paragraph breaks are needed for the reason any paragraph break is made, because we are now slightly removed from what just happened, i.e. he speaks, then she notices something in his eyes, then there is another block of related action and speech, then he puts his arm around her. The paragraphs become a bit like beats between blocks of action/dialogue.

However, it might be a bit wearing on the reader to be constantly starting new paragraphs so perhaps another way of doing it would be to keep it as you have it except for the first paragraph break and with a little clarifying link within the main paragraph to yoke the speech back onto to him, for instance:

‘Of course you do.’

Something is gathering in his eyes, some dark undefined thing that makes her step back towards the warmth of the Rayburn, hugging her arms close to her chest. Then he scrubs his hand over his face, and the moment passes. ‘Fine,' he says, 'you need to sort something out there, that’s for sure.’ He puts his arm round her waist and presses his mouth against hers; it feels infinitely cold, like being kissed by an iceberg. ‘Let me know about Edinburgh, okay? I ought to get on and book something if we’re definitely going.’

But, Astrea, as you're not yet at the polishing stage, I suggest you move on and worry about this when you are. What is confusing you now will probably be an obvious fix when you come back to it when the first draft is finished.

All the best.

<Added>

Just noticed, this is a variation on what Jem said. In the end, there's no real right or wrong with this and the final choice will be down to your own writing style and gut feeling.

Thanks, Jan.

You're right, I'm not at the publishing stage, but I do need to get it into as good a shape as I can for the middle of August, because I've got into the RNA New Writers' Scheme, which allows me to submit a MS for critique (and maybe a second reading, if it's good enough). And I'm mildly obsessive about getting things right at the best of times...

With two eighty year-old unsolved murders and an abduction, I'm not entirely sure that it's a full-blown romance, even with a love triangle at its heart, but I'm giving it my best shot. They can only say no, right?

(Hmm. Actually, the triangle is more like a hexagon...but it's nowhere near as racy as it sounds!)