Found out something about my MC that I felt compelled to write about (because it was fun) and found it made quite a lot of things more exciting and convincing (because it is a major character flaw that drives many many things) but... ah... it makes me blush to think of talking to people who read it and realise that I am the author (because... well, you're all adults, right?), but not half as much as I might blush the next day if they then bring it up as a topic of conversation after I've had a bit too much to drink (because not everybody can tell when I'm joking).

Trouble is, now it's on the page, I can see that it's really good and I can't bring myself to "unwrite" it, but now it's on the page, I can also see that it is a little prurient and (even after an unwholesome amount of redrafting) I found myself alt-tabbing to e-mail whenever my wife came within ten feet of me...

What the hell do I do here? Given that I am _not_ going to read this out to my writing group, how can I tell whether I've gone too far? If I leave it in (my preferred option) will it (ahem) turn a potential publisher off if they think it is either gratuitous or simply not very nice?

Hard to say without reading it or knowing what it is. My instinct, if I had something similarly crucial but cringey, would be to keep it in but write about it as directly as possible, with no embarrassment or apology inherent in the writing. If there's a Benny Hill edge to your voice which doesn't sit well with the tone of the rest of the novel, it won't work.

I think when we touch on taboos we need to ask ourselves exactly why we're drawn to them. Does it just add shock value to flaccid ideas? Cut the lot. If the work stands up as well without it, cut the prurient bit. If, as you say, it is intrinsic and adds a lot, keep it in but give it it's unabashed place in the world.

write about it as directly as possible, with no embarrassment or apology

give it it's unabashed place in the world.

I've certainly tried to do the former and Benny Hill would be scared to go there if he were still alive. As for the latter... I was quite shocked by how many words it took to get everything to happen. So I have a good few pages from initial impulse to completion. If I can get people to buy into the fact that they are witnessing crucial character development as well as some unusual detail, then brilliant. If not, it's a lot to skate over. But, and there are some power dynamics going on that can't be glossed over, it takes that long to make the scene convincing.

a Benny Hill edge to your voice

Coming back to this one, I'm writing in the head of one of the characters who is really very very excited indeed. This comes through in the descriptive detail, but most clearly in the dialogue. To me, it is absolutely the way it would happen as the character in question is living out a fantasy with "live props" so to speak. But as a consequence, that character's tone during the scene is very clearly different to almost anywhere else and I think this just adds to my dilemma as it means that, if anything, I need to add more, less extreme events, earlier.

This was not something that just happened for the character, there was a steady progression from an innocent but slightly dysfunctional relationship through to something quite a lot more sinister after a period of quite deliberate, if unconscious, conditioning. The taboo's broken are not in themselves that important, but they illustrate the formation of a very specific mindset.

I'm dying to know what it is now.

Dangerous talk, methinks.

Sorted.

Having found out what my characters were actually capable of, I wrote a scene leading up to the more extreme one and when I read it out, it... ah... had the effect I wanted. I've a nasty suspicion that the other one still happened, but not on set so to speak.

Can now breathe more steadily.

No, couldn't throw it away. Changed the camera angle instead.