Following some much needed help with the punctuation of the first couple of chapters there's one thing that keep snagging people and that's my first line

When your life is in danger, at that point when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not, has not, treated you particularly kindly.

The issue seems to revolve around the is not, has not, what I intend for it to be is something like this

When your life is in danger, at that point when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not, correction has not, treated you particularly kindly.

But I didn't want that correction in there so the question is how would I go about creating the same effect without mentioning the correction?

The problem lies with the past tense of 'treated' - as someone pointed out, if you read it without the 'has not' you get: 'you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not treated you particularly kindly.' Don't see a way round it, the way you're writing it. Is there a reason why you want both tenses there? Could you settle for one? Or you could do it as I've tried below, also losing'at that point' and just repeating the 'when' for emphasis:

When your life is in danger, when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not treating you - has not treated you -particularly kindly.

What do you think?
Susiex

It depends what you're trying to convey, but if it's someone thinking in kind of a halting, slightly muddled way you could have something like:

When your life is in danger, at that point when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life isn't ... that life hasn't treated you particularly kindly.

But I might be totally barking up the wrong tree.

Thanks for that Susie but what I'm aiming for is that spoken word feel, and many of the sections I've tried to write in the veracular, I wanted to capture that feeling when you catch yourself and correct yourself mid-sentence. Does that make sense?

<Added>

* vernacular even

Thanks Sidewinder, how about this, would this work?

When your life is in danger, at that point when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not... has not, treated you particularly kindly.

Yes, I think that works - except I'd lose the comma here:

has not, treated

has not, treated

That comma doesn’t work, and ellipses suggest hesitation or tailing off, rather than a sudden break. I think you need dashes to show he’s interrupting himself, and you really need both treating and treated. How about:

When your life is in danger, at that point when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not treating — has not treated — you particularly kindly.

<Added>

Reading that again, I think the second dash would be better after you instead of before it.

When your life is in danger, at that point when you truly believe you are going to die, you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not, has not, treated you particularly kindly.

It depends on which part of the sentence you wish to emphasis, Geoff. As I read it, the emphasis is this is a point in his life where he's looking back - life has not treated him kindly - in which case you should delete 'is not', since life, per se, is currently on hold while he makes a decision. It could go either way: be snuffed out or continue.
Obsessing over is not, has not, however, puts the emphasis on his dithering. If that is what you want to emphasis then you may as well leave it as it is, or go with the dashes.


- NaomiM

Good points, but I prefer might be forgiven to 'can'. Just seems to flow better?

JB

I actually like it in it's original form but I don't want an agent stumbling at the first and thinking it amateurish. So I think I'll go wtih the dashes for now as Dee suggests and then argue the point later on.

How about:

that life is not - has not been - treating you particularly kindly.

<Added>

Or you could have that with the commas (I think):

that is life is not, has not been, treating you particularly kindly.

Thanks but I want the finality of that 'treated' implies, treating suggests ongoing, but as he's standing on a rooftop wondering why people jump treated makes more sense.

I suppose you could get rid of the tesne problems with 'treated/treating' by ditching it.

you can be forgiven for thinking that life is not - has not been - particularly kind.