I’m currently wrestling with a show not tell issue, which may not be an issue at all.

How can you effectively show what a character is thinking? Showing how a character behaves or speaks is fine, but often I see examples of writing that explicitly tells the reader a characters thoughts. Isn’t this a bad thing? If so, what’s the best way around it?

Anything from inside your head would very much appreciated.

Grinder

Grinder,

I think you have to tread a very fine line between narrative and unspoken dialogue. Incidentally, one thing I hate to see is thoughts put into speech marks… makes my toes curl!

The way I do it is to keep the sentences short – like thoughts. We generally think in phrases rather than long sentences. Keep the paragraphs tight and intersperse the thoughts with beats – tiny actions that relate the character’s mood and situation to the thoughts.

For example:

Dave lay motionless.(action) He could hear a noise. Someone was creeping up the stairs. Was it one of the kids? Or a burglar?(thought) He slid out from under the duvet (action)

What you should avoid is:

Dave lay motionless. I can hear a noise, he thought. Someone is creeping up the stairs. Is it one of the kids or a burglar? He slid out from under the duvet…

Does that make sense? (it’s still early and I haven’t had any coffee yet )

Dee
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Dee,

Yes, I feel I must apologise for posting something so cerebral so early in the morning. I was up early with the kids so it already feels like mid day to me.

Thanks for the comment, I think I understand, but it still seems like a woolly grey area to me, and thoughts definitely have a ‘telling’ feel to them. I recently did a “show not tell” sweep and all my characters inner thoughts disappeared, which is why I’m asking for the help.

Taking your advice on board, I suppose your method is something you’d advocate doing sparingly? Or is that not the case?

Grinder

Dee, thanks for that - it's something I've used too. You explain things so clearly.
Elspeth

Aw gee thanks, Elspeth! I’m not very confident about stuff like this and often wonder if I’m talking rubbish – so you’ve perked me up.

Dave, it is a woolly area. I think your best bet is to read as much as you can from writers you admire and see how they do it. It’s one of those things that, done well, is almost subliminal. Done wrong, it makes you close the book and walk away.

Why not upload a sample of your writing to illustrate where you feel you’re not hitting the spot and see if we can help?

Dee
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Hi all,

Dee your willingness to get any plug in you can is shameless though I beleive I can illustrate the point with my work

The simplest way is just to italicise it. Check out what I've done on chapter 33 now that I've bother to add the italics. Now I'll admit that it's slighlty different from conventional use because there is practically NO dialogue in the book.

It's great and simple and you can even add it mid sentence too. Check the chapter to see how I've done this.

As for the voice aspect, you have to have that voice in your and make it life and breathe as if it were you're own. IF the character doesn't know long words or it just doesn't fit DO NOT try to force it. Think about what you would actually in that situation, if you were the one right there, trapped in that moment. Write if straight off and try not to revise this kind of stuff because you want it to look half finished, hazy as most thouhgts are.

Anyhow just my thoughts

Geoff

What the hell is going on with my typing??

Many thanks to all of you, even if the whole think makes my head hurt.
Dee, Dave is by far the least noxious thing anyone’s called me today…

Grinder

EEK! Sorry, Grinder! I must have got too caught up in my own fiction!

Dee,

Absolutely, no offence taken, what so ever.

Grinder

Darran

It's an interesting question.I suppose a lot depends if your writing in first or third person. I agree with Dee that you should try and read as many books as possible with examples of this.

This subject is very close to me because my work I am writing now is written in the third person, but regularly intertwined with the thoughts of the main character, IE toggling between written in 3rd person (actions) and written in 1st person (thoughts). This might not work and it can become a bit confusing, and I think italics is a good idea when doing something like this.

Post it up and let's have a look.

I get called Dave all the time...amongst other things.

Dave

Thanks for all the comments.

I’ve recently received the results of a structural edit on my book (the first four chapters are posted) One of the multitude of points made was the lack of, what my characters are thinking.

The reason, I stripped it all out because it seemed like telling and not showing, instead I tried to show how my characters felt by their actions and the way they spoke.

So now I’ve come full circle and am considering putting internal thoughts back in, but it just feels wrong, it feels like a shortcut to say a character is feeling edgy instead of having them act edgy (is this too subtle?).

I’m beginning to wonder if this is one of those areas of writing that feels more “art” than “craft”, in the sense that there are no rules to follow, you have to go with your gut and develop and eye for it. Need less to say, I’m a long way from doing this sort of thing intuitively, but I hope it’s something that will develop with time?

As always, you lot are nudging me in the right direction, even if I’m dragging my feet.

Thanks again.

Grinder

Hi Grinder, this is an interesting question:

it feels like a shortcut to say a character is feeling edgy instead of having them act edgy (is this too subtle?).

I don't think there's anything wrong with the thoughts, as the thoughts can show us how they're feeling rather than tell us. By telling us what he's thinking, you are showing us how he's feeling, if you get what I mean.

"Malcolm sat in his car and waited for his tester, his hands trembling on the wheel. What if he couldn't get it into gear, or screwed up one of the manouvres?"

Not the greatest example, but surely it's not telling is it, as I haven't come right out and said he's nervous?

"Malcolm was nervous as he sat in the car waiting for the tester" would be the told version, no?

I'm not sure on this myself, so by trying to create an example, I was trying to clarify it.

This is easy for me - my characters have no thoughts!!!

))

A
xxx

Ben,

This is really an odd thing, it’s almost like having a block, I’m finding it intensely hard to get my head around the right and wrong of this.
Your words illustrate the idea perfectly, I understand and can see the principal clearly, but then when I start to write this stuff, all I get is the blinking cursor.

Thanks for replying.

Grinder