I decided to take a month off from writing, completely cold turkey.
It was hard at first but now I’m really hungry to get back to it.
However, I’ve hit an impasse with the first thing I’m trying to write.

To set the scene, someone has been having a conversation with a pie seller, during the transaction the pie seller says something that shocks the buyer so much that they forget they’re holding a burning hot pie.

Mark Cooper didn’t notice the hot pie burning his fingers. “What did you say?” he said to the vendor.

“What did you say?” said Mark Cooper to the vendor, not noticing the hot pie burning his fingers.

Mark Cooper didn’t notice the hot pie burning his fingers as he listened to the vendor.

Mark Cooper was so shocked by the vendor’s words he didn’t notice the hot pie burning his fingers.

So which works best? or you have a better suggestion?

Any suggestions would be very much appreciated…

Grinder

I'd go for no 4. Did you read the thread about starting with the protagonist' name?! Also I was told you shouldn't start with dialogue.
Elspeth

I liked the first one the best.

How about: Mark Cooper's jaw fell open and the next thing he knew the hot pie was lying in the dirt with the steam pouring out of it like Mount Etna. 'What did you say?' he said to the vendor through a mouthful of sore fingers. (Or something like!)

Elspeth,

I'd go for no 4

Isn’t this the most ‘telling’ of the four, where as the other three are more ‘showy’?

I thought the discussion about opening with names concluded that it was alright as long as the rest of the sentence was good enough to support it?

Grinder

Nell,
That made me laugh, and think. Thanks

Grinder

Whichever one you pick, drop the surname. You certainly don't need it in the first sentence, if at all.

Geoff

Geoff,

Whichever one you pick, drop the surname

Is that a personal preference, or one of the unwritten rules of this game?

Grinder

For what it's worth I liked number one best. I'm aleady wondering what the vendor is saying which must be good.

Sam,

I'm aleady wondering what the vendor is saying which must be good

Thanks for that comment. That’s precisely the thought I want to plant in the reader’s head.
I just can’t decide at the moment the best way to do it…

Grinder

Mark stared at the pie-seller, dumbfounded. "What did you say?" he asked, failing to notice the steaming pie burning his digits.

He grabbed the pie-seller by the neck and with one mighty...Oops! Bit carried away there!

Personally, that's what I would do, but I never been on any courses.Go with your feelings.

Good luck

Dave

I'd go for number 1. It's got more pace than the others - although I must say I like Nell's version...

Dee

Grinder, if it made you laugh and think then it worked on both counts. And thanks Dee!

Grinder,

How can Mark Cooper not notice the hot pie burning his hands?

The fact it’s on the page someone has noticed.

Who is telling this story?

Dawn,

Thanks to all who’ve replied.

Grinder