Following on from a group post, I'm hoping to draw on goodwill and get some feedback in relation to 'foreign dialogue' in the techniques forum.

I'm currently submitting my novel to agents - it's about a North Korean family and they obviously speak Korean, not English.
However I am writing in English (obviously!) I have had mixed feedback from other readers, some of whom say the dialogue is 'stiled' while others rave about it saying that it sounds like a smuggled North Korean translation. I've taken my lead from books written by Asian writers and translated into English.

here are a few lines of dialogue - I'd appreciate any thoughts/experience on the matter!

'I can't tell you any secrets because I don't have any,' I laughed nervously. 'Come on, let's get going,' I said, trying to change the subject. 'The fish aren't going to wait for us, are they?'

Sung-Ju took me by the arm, his gnarly fingers clutching my sleeve.

'You, are a true believer in good,' he said. 'Let me tell you that. You're a sincere and honest man Chin-Hwa. You see the best in everyone. You don't hate anyone and you've no enemies.'

Sung-Ju persisted.
'I need to ask you again Chin-Hwa.'
My heart sank.

'I wonder to myself each night when I return home. Why are you happy all the time, especially in North Korea? I've never travelled anywhere else in the world, but I imagine we could have a better life in China. What do you think?'



many thanks

Hmmm... This sounds good to me. I don't find it "stiled" at all, nor do I find it odd-sounding. It sounds, maybe, just a tiny bit exotic, which I think is positive, because you do want it to sound foreign without overdoing it. It's just "different" enough to convey the feeling to the reader that it is being spoken in a foreign language. Subtle, thus well-done, in my opinion.
Regards,
Robin

I think you've got some slightly weird stuff going on with your comma use. For example I don't think you need one in 'you, are a true believer' but I would put one in in 'I need to ask you again, Chin Hwa'.

I also think it's a bit inconsistent. For example, 'you're a sincere and honest man' - 'you are' might fit better? Similarly 'you've no enemies' sounds a bit off to me.

Also it's quite 'on the nose' - meaning that it's too direct, saying exactly what it means with no subtlety. I think this is particularly the case in the last paragraph.

I think overall it could do with a bit of refinement tbh.

Gillian - it sounds pretty good to me, just needs a little refinement. The first line...

'I can't tell you any secrets because I don't have any,' I laughed nervously. 'Come on, let's get going,' I said, trying to change the subject. 'The fish aren't going to wait for us, are they?'

Maybe this would sound more natural:

I can't tell you any secrets because I don't have any. Come on," I laughed nervously, "The fish aren't going to wait for us.

"

You don't hate anyone and you've no enemies.'

Would this sound ok if he said: "You hate no-one and you have no enemies."

Those are the only points for me really - and these things are never set in stone. Good luck though. All the elements are there.

Sarah

Thanks Nella and Jess for your replies. It's good to get other opinions.

Thanks Sarah - I have made a few modifications after some comments from my group. Your suggestions are very helpful.
Thanks for reading!

Just as a general comment about 'foreign' dialogue. I wonder if it is a little contrived, since they are speaking 'perfect Korean' just as we would speak 'perfect English' - albeit with modifications if the characters are from a working class or upper class background. But when it is translated you are hearing/reading an imperfect translation.

I have mentioned this before on the other thread, so you'll have to forgive me, Gillian, for repeating it here, but I wonder whether it is necessary to sound oriental or asian, even if the story is set there. Would be ok to have a westernised dialogue since you are aiming it at a westernised readership? You would keep the 'foreign-ess', - the flavour of Korea - by still having the Korean names, objects, setting, etc, in the story.

Anyway, just musing on the subject.


- NaomiM

Appreciate your help and input Naomi- difficult one - if someone could just say 'ok write it like this.....'

Then I would know how it's supposed to be done! aarhhhh

I don't know what it is about dialogue, but it seeems to be one of those subjects that tends to be avoided like the plague. It was the subject of Susan Hill's last CWC post, and people avoided discussing it. Stephen King said authors either have an ear for it, or they don't - in which case they avoid it as much as possible. Presumably it's like music. If you're tone deaf there's nothing you can do about it, but if you're not, there's nothing you need to do about it....


- NaomiM