I’m having some problems with, let’s call it, local transition. For example, my character, in one scene, enters her bed room, undresses, takes a bath, picks out some clothes from her closet, lays them on a chair to wear later, goes to bed to rest.

I find myself having a problem with character transition from one thing to the next. I find myself using words like: then or next or walked. For example:

- I finished my bath and then went to my closet to pick out some clothes.
- Next, I went to my closet to pick out some clothes.
- After I finished my bath, I walked to the closet and picked out some clothes.

I tend to use these transition words too often. It does not seem to be a problem with large scene moves, where a character goes from on location to another in the story. I seem to have this transition problem the most when a character is moving around a room, doing different things, and is alone.

What is the best way to handles local transition for a character? Is it wrong to use words like then, next, or walked?

Thanks
Azel

Nothing wrong with the words, but the fact that they're bothering you in this context suggests to me that your instincts are telling you that for some reason they're not working.

There's always the option of 'I went upstairs, showered and changed, and left the house.' Or even, 'I changed into my favourite jeans for the party. When I arrived...'

Should you be asking yourself why we need all the extra detail? Does it show us something more about her, or about her situation, or does it ramp up the tension (we know the axe-murderer is hiding behind the shower curtain)? If not, do you need it? Maybe the reason the words don't seem right is because they're not earning their keep.

Emma

Thanks Emma

No, the scene is necessary. She discovers some things (reader information) as she moves around the room. It is a rest period for the reader also, before the next serious scene.

I just found too much use of the words: than-next-walked, in the scene. It’s harder to do transition when you don’t have a second character in the room, to bounce action and dialogue.

Azel

- yup, what Emma said.

If it's useless detail just summarise it: 'she got ready to go out'.
There is nothing worse than reading a list of anything that is not essential to the plot - such as details of a character getting ready, or food eaten at breakfast: If there's poison in the kippers then fine, mention everything on the table, including the red herings

There are, however, times you may want to slow down the action, to rack up the suspense or give your reader a brather from a previous, intense/action, scene; in which case include the detail, although, as Emma says, make it earn it's keep by showing something about the character which the reader previously didn't know - she wears silk underwear/red lipstick/false finger nails/untidy/slob/tattoo on right buttock...


- NaomiM

<Added>

Oops, crossed with you Azel.
Perhaps she is moving around too much and so distracting the reader from the parts you want them to focus on...

<Added>

Difficult to be specific without seeing the passage.

<Added>

Although, if you could include her thoughts, then you would not have to describe her movements at the same time:

She hopped out of the shower - where was the towel? Oh, of course, still in the kitchen...

- the reader knows she's going to the kitchen for the towel so you can jump to another room.

<Added>

...three rooms, half a dozen cupboards and one washing machine later and Zoe still had no towel, but it hardly mattered, she was dripped dry. She did, however, had an interesting haul of items, including her grandmother's wedding ring and a yellowing envelope, postmarked 1921, and, until now, unopened.

- Excuse me, I have a ghost story to write ;)

Hi

I think the words you mention, such as 'then' and 'next' tend to be pretty invisible in smooth fiction. Overused, they might not be. I remember noticing how many times James Herbert uses 'began to' in his novels, and since then, I find him hard to read as my eye immediately starts scanning for that phrase.

JB

<Added>

To clarify, I think 'began to' is a weak phrase unless it's describing the actual slow progression of something. He began to walk down the road reads better as he walked down the road etc. Other uses seem absurd, such as she began to cough. You're either coughing or you're not, imho.

I tend to use the word, ‘began’ also. I tried not using those transition words like: then-began-next-walked, but it can throw the reader off, if you don’t signal to the reader that the character has moved to a new location.

I am used to using words like: said-asked in dialogue, because they are invisible to the reader, but I am not sure what transition words are invisible.

A writer can use other ways of showing transition, but each takes too many words. There needs to be a quick one word solution that will signal the reader that a transition of location has taken place for the character. One that is almost as invisible as the word ‘said’ in dialogue.

Does anyone care to list what they think these transition words are that would be invisible to the reader?

Azel

I think you're right to suspect that over-use of words such as 'then', 'next', 'afterwards', etc. can be a problem. One thing you could consider to avoid the feeling that you need to use such transitional words is to vary the subject of the sentences to some extent, so that it's not just 'I did this' then 'I did that'. It could also help to keep the 'I' subject away from the beginning of some of the sentences.

'I finished my bath. The clothes in the closet were, as always, in a jumbled mess. I picked out what I needed from what was visible. Over by the bed, I...'

Once the subject changes or the 'I' alters position, it seems that the need to 'connect' the sentences disappears.

Chris

'Began to' has it's place, yes, but I noticed Herbert using it a LOT, so much that my eye became distracted by it. I don't know if that's the case in his newer writing, but certainly was in a couple of the older books. In fact, almost everything that happened 'began to' happen.

Some of the points here are interesting, but there are ways round them.

He stepped out of the bath, toweled dry and found his clothes on the edge of the bed. He was dressed and out the door before Stacy's car pulled up outside. Checking his watch, he sidled into the passenger seat.
'You're late', he remarked looking at his watch.

JB



<Added>

Naomi but the bathroom in my head for some reason.

Sometimes, I think writers are the worst readers. I can hardly pickup a book by another author and read it for enjoyment anymore. My eyes keep seeing the words and push me out of the story.

When I go to the store and see average people shopping, I wonder if they even care about or see, the things we talk about, such as, the over use of transition words.

I read hundreds of books, before I started writing, and I don’t remember ever caring about how the books were written, nor did I pick out words that bothered me. Perhaps we worry about these things too much, and should just get on with the writing.

There are two types of readers: one group being, other writers, agents, publishers, and the second group being the people who stand in the checkout line with you at the store, who care nothing about such things.

Azel