How would anyone punctuate the first sentence this awkward little beast?

'If you get the process right in sculpture – ' says Fergus, 'This your jacket, Una? – I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'

And yes, I know the last sentence isn't a whole one, but luckily we fiction writers are allowed to break the rules in the interests of the faithful reproduction of speech habits. All opinions gratefully received.

Emma

PS Veteran WWers will probably feel the sentiment's familiar, but it is actually from the new novel...

Emma, I think how you've punctuated it looks okay. I would probably put a full stop after Fergus rather than a comma, but I can see why you might have felt it logical not to do so.

I think if it was me writing that I would probably try to find a different way to say it, because I'd worry that even if I got the punctuation correct it would be slightly awkward to read. (For instance, I find a lot of Lionel Shriver's sentences unwieldy despite them being properly punctuated.)

How about,

'If you get the process right in sculpture,' Fergus said, picking Una's jacket up and turning towards her questioningly, 'then I think you always reach the goal, even if it's not the goal you set out for.'

or

'If you get the process right in sculpture,' Fergus picked up Una's jacket and turned towards her questioningly, 'then I think you always reach the goal, even if it's not the goal you set out for.'

or

'If you get the process right in sculpture... This your jacket, Una? Then I think you always reach the goal. Even if it's not the goal you set out for.'

I'm not saying my suggestions are any better than your version - just hoping to provide some alternative ideas.

Deb

Thanks, Deb. I like the last version, except it's a group conversation and the thing needs attribution. And I quite like leaving the reader to deduce the jacket-gesture as it were... Or something. Interesting how much we actually don't question how we write something.

Emma

Short n' sweet:

'If you get the process right in sculpture – this your jacket, Una? – I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'


I'd be tempted to add an is:

'If you get the process right in sculpture,' says Fergus, '- is this your jacket, Una? - I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'


'If you get the process right in sculpture,' says Fergus, '-this your jacket, Una?'
She shakes her head.
'– I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'


'If you get the process right in sculpture – this your jacket, Una?' says Fergus, sweeping it aside, '– I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'


'If you get the process right in sculpture – this your jacket, Una?' says Fergus, not waiting for a reply, '– I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'


- NaomiM

<Added>

Fergus stepped forward, 'If you get the process right in sculpture – this your jacket, Una? – I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'

Fergus stepped forward, knocking a jacket to the floor, 'If you get the process right in sculpture – this your jacket, Una? – I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'


<Added>

Una was getting so pissed off with Fergus's supercilious attitude to Art, and the fact he had just walked all over her brand new Prada jacket.
She slipped the silver ice pick out of her Harrods bag....

:)

<Added>

...as she later said to the arresting officer, she could have sworn someone said, 'take your pick'.


:)

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Sorry, Emma, couldn't resist. :)

LOL Naomi

Emma, it looks like it’s punctuated properly but it reads a bit clonky. I find that if people interrupt themselves, they tend to repeat the first part of what they’ve said, so it might come across as more natural as:

'If you get the process right – this your jacket, Una?’ says Fergus, ‘If you get the process right in sculpture I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'

Tricky little beggar, this!

dee

Oy, everyone, I think rearranging the words is cheating!

Here's what I would do, I think.

'If you get the process right in sculpture – ' says Fergus. 'This your jacket, Una? I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'

LoL Naomi

Thanks, everyone, that's hugely helpful. I think Luisa's right that the second dash is surplus to requirements - the sense of Fergus interrupting himself is strong enough without it. Still dithering about the full stop.

It's Una's PoV, by the way, and a whole bunch of people. The jacket is totally not important - Una's leaving, and I'm just filling in the choreography a bit. But I wonder if she'd fancy a Prada jacket?

Ah well, that's what the copy-editor's for. I have to give her some fun, because I'm extremely fussy about italics and indents and punctuation, and two of the main characters are spelled differently in the two different sections, so she's really going to love me, and so are the typesetters! And what do you bet the US copy-editor's going to have a whole new theory about how it should be punctuated?

Emma

'If you get the process right in sculpture,' says Fergus, '- is this your jacket, Una? - I think you always reach the goal. Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'

Naomi's here is the first thing I thought of. I don't like the dask after sculpture because it sounds as though it is indicating that he is being interrupted and then i have to rearrange my head when the jacket bit comes up, whereas N's way here keeps it together so I see the dash is more of a break-off to do something else.

Yes, that was my alternative version, but I was dithering about whether 'is this your jacket' needed a capital or not, so it's useful to know that it trips the reader up less.

Emma

I rather agree with Dee that if people interrupt themselves they often repeat the first bit, for clarity (for their own sake as much as for the listener).

Deb

<Added>

I don't like my first two suggestions much either. That 'questioningly' is clunky. I was just playing around to see what happened, really... which is how I do it when it's my bit of writing.

<Added>

Don't mean to be rude, Snow terrier, but I don't like your suggestion of the two dashes after the attribution. I think it looks really weird TBH.

two dashes after the attribution

It depends whether you're thinking of the dashes as parenthetical, in which case there needs to be two of them, and the question is where they fit with the speech attribution, or whether one is the dash for interrupted speech, in which case you don't want the other.

Emma

'If you get the process right in sculpture – this your jacket, Una? – I think you always reach the goal,' says Fergus. 'Even if it’s not the goal you set out for.'

Does this help make the interruption clearer?

Harry

It certainly does, and the rhythm's great, but I do like to get the attribution in a bit earlier if I can, so that the reader 'hears' it in the right voice. I wouldn't normally have an attribution more than ten or twelve words - one phrase, really - in from the beginning of the speech.

Though it's one of those things where the visual effect's part of it: it can be quite hard to know if you've got it early enough until you see it typeset, by which time it's too late to start mucking about without incurring your editor's wrath and even paying. I wonder sometimes if it's frustrating for the poets when their work's typeset and they find a long single line's had to be doubled up. There's no denying it reads differently.

Emma

Yes, I see what you mean. The attribution is what's making it so tricky. The solution might lie in the preceding line? It's a nice little brain teaser.

Harry

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The attribution is what's making it so tricky...? Now there's a clunky line for you :)

Well, if we're talking clunky, this gives yours a run for it's money.

Though it's one of those things where the visual effect's part of it

But then we type as we speak, don't we, and they both make perfect sense said aloud...

Emma

<Added>

Oops. a run for its money