I hate to keep asking these grammar questions, but hopefully there are other beginning writers who have the same problems who will also benefit from them.


The scene is this: A young girl just arrives at her home after being forcefully taken to a Deacon’s office earlier in the day for questioning. The girl is complaining about it below in two different sentences.

The first sentence (past perfect) is correct grammar using “had”. (I think) But, the second sentence (past simple) sounds better to my ear. I have this problem frequently, where the correct past tense does not sound very good to my ear when read aloud.

The more I thought about it the angrier I got. After having had me dragged into his office, the Deacon hadn’t even offer me a ride home.

The more I thought about it the angrier I got. After having me dragged into his office, the Deacon didn’t even offer me a ride home.


Thanks
Azel

I agree, no.1 is correct (tho' it should be 'offered) but a bit laboured-sounding, and no.2 sounds better because it's more colloquial, but is technically incorrect.

I think it could depend on the voice - is it a casual, colloquial voice? Either that, or recast the sentence, like this, for example, though there are half a dozen other possibilities:

The more I thought about it the angrier I got. I'd been dragged into the Deacon's office, at his orders, and then he hadn’t even offered me a ride home.

Emma

Azel, like Emma I would rephrase it, because I think both versions (the correct and less correct) are quite awkward, verging on ugly. I don't mean that rudely. I just mean that if something doesn't sound very nice, there's a strong argument when writing fiction not to use it, whether it's correct or not.

There are usually lots of different ways you can put across the same info using roughly the same words - just rearrange the sentence (or sentences) till it flows well and has no awkwardness.

Deb

Thank you for your help Emma and Deb.

I do occasionally have these tong-twister sentences in my writing. I will try to rewrite them (in another way) the next time I find one.

Azel