'Hello, Fred,' she said; then, more quietly, 'hello, George.' |
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I think your problem here is that semi-colon. How would you punctuate this line if you hadn't interrupted it?
Speech = Hello Fred; hello George.
This would lead to: "Hello, Fred," she said; then, more quietly, "hello George."
Speech = Hello Fred, hello George.
This would lead to: "Hello, Fred," she said, then, more quietly, "hello George."
Speech = Hello Fred. Hello George.
This would lead to: "Hello, Fred," she said. Then, more quietly, "Hello George."
I hope this makes sense!
For what it's worth, I'd go with the third one.