Hello, I'm new and would really appreciate your advice. My husband says he's tired of me being 'not relaxing to be around'. Apparently I'm a big stresshead who's difficult to live with, always fretting that I'm not getting anywhere with my writing, or that I should be writing. He says I need to either accept that writing is a hobby and that I don't have time to do much of it, or find a part-time job/ask to go part-time in my current one, he suggests 3 days a week, and concentrate more on writing. This seems like an offer from heaven, doesn't it? But I'm scared. He would need it to be for a fixed duration, say 1 or 2 years, because it would mean we'd have to delay many things like holidays and doing the house up, and he quite reasonably doesn't want to have to go without stuff indefinitely. What if I made him go without stuff and never produced anything worthwhile?
Has anyone else been in this position? I'm worried his family would think I was taking advantage of him. Which I would be. So would his friends,colleagues, boss. His dad & stepmum are definitely of the hard grafter, respect other hard grafters school of thought. I wonder if I could keep it
secret...

I must sound like a spoilt cow, pondering over this, but I honestly don't know what's for the best. My 'book' is a collection of short stories that I'm linking up to form a novel. I'm not yet convinced it works. Maybe if I had more time, I could make it work, but maybe I'm kidding myself and should be grateful that I made it out of retail hell and do actually have a job that I enjoy and that uses my ability to string words together.

Hi,

This is a very difficult question since you are the only one who knows you husband and how he is likely to react if you dont "produce anything" at the end of your time limit.
I am in the same position, somewhat, although I have got 2 children but they are at school full time and I could get a job if I wanted to. My husband is happy to support me in my writing but doesn't expect anything (although he's always hopeful). I think you would have to be certain that nothing was expected at the end, this business is so hard to be successful in and to be under that sort of pressure from yourself and outside pressure to succeed could be equally stressful.
Only you and you family can decide whether this is the way to go. For me, the fact that I can do this without feeling I have to produce something and just get on and enjoy it is the main thing.
Although I am always working towards making money out of writing and I know at some point if I don't I will have to get a job, for my own sanity if nothing else, I am enjoying the freedom to do as I please without stressing about it.
I realise I am one of the very lucky ones when my husband doesn't complain that he gets cheese toasties three nights in a row for dinner and none of his clothes are ironed!!
Hope this helps,

Eve

Thanks Eve. He wouldn't react badly - he'd be really supportive, though disappointed. He's great, though not much of a reader. You're right that it's the pressure that worries me - it would be largely self-inflicted though. But bad for all that. I've been working on this for 3 years and for about a year of this I worked condensed hours and got more done, but still not enough to finish it.

Hi there
I think this comes down to a lack of confidence in your writing, which many of us share and is a hard one to deal with. I think the world and his wife knowing that this new arrangement has happened would put pressure on you To Produce Something Tangible as it were, but on the other hand, it might give you the opportunity to really get to grips with your writing. Would it have to be something known to family etc?
Although some people are going to scoff at this, I know a life coach who is incredibly gifted and specialises in helping people with these sort of decisions. If you think this might help, feel free to webmail me.
The other thing I wanted to say was that if you were to go for it, you could have very definite working times and you could definitely produce a draft of something just by sheer hours. Once you had something to work with, you might feel
a) less guilty about it all
b) really inspired and able to make it into something good.
Hope that's helpful and good luck with whatever you decide!

Thanks Caroline. You're right, too - it is definitely a confidence issue. I think I should probably keep it as quiet as I can, though cutting my wage by 40% might show a bit in our behaviour as a couple (not visiting family (who live £100 or so away)/not joining them on holiday etc). Maybe I can make up some of the shortfall by eating less... But as I'm sure the life coach you know would tell me, if I really want this, I shouldn't let fear stop me from going all out to get it.

Annatomic, I'd agree with everything that's been said, especially that it should be unconditional: what your husband is giving you is the opportunity to follow your desires wherever they lead, not to become the next... you know. It sounds as if he understands this, but the rest of the family and even perhaps you, don't.

You probably can't keep it totally secret, but I'd agree that you might want to keep a low profile about it: scorn is bad, but so are kind non-writers' enquiries about how it's going.

You may take some time to develop the confidence to think to yourself and - later - avow publicly that This Is What You Do. Would you consider taking a part-time course? It would perhaps keep the grafters in the family onside - education is a respectable reason for not working full time - while actually developing your skills. It needn't be so time-consuming as not to leave time for your own writing. It would deflect the kind enquiries from your own too-personal struggles and onto the course. You're obviously very serious about writing - would a well-chosen Masters suit you, and be affordable? There are distance and part-time ones, and a huge range to choose from these days, and some - like the one I did - are very much built around developing your own project, while broadening your skills and experience.

Emma

Anna, welcome to WW. First off, if you want to make it as a writer, this is the best place to start.

Second – don’t impose unnatural deadline on yourself. Two years is nowhere near enough!

Third – if your husband is on board with this, that’s fine but for heaven’s sake stop worrying about what his family think – or yours either. You don’t have to justify to anyone else what you and your husband decide to do. If they quibble about you joining them on holidays, tell them you have other commitments.

All you need to do is agree with your husband that you want to do this and you can't agree to any deadlines – unless you feel comfortable with imposing them on yourself… that’s the bottom line. If you really want to be a writer PRIORITISE WRITING. It’s as simple as that…

Easy to say, I know, but not so easy to do.

Dee

I'm going to talk to my boss today. Thank you all so much for your replies, you've all been very kind. It's strange today, after talking on the interweb, talking to my fella again and sleeping on it one more time, how clear it seems that I should prioritise writing, work fewer hours for a couple of years and see where it takes me. Yesterday I just had this unbearable buzzing in my head and no idea what was for the best. Thank you.

Now I just need to convince my boss...

All these issues are very familiar to me, including the husbandly irritation. It's a bit worrying that he's not a reader, unlike my own partner who always has his nose in a book.

I'd say definitely go for it and deal with the problems as they arise - your answers to queries and criticisms will improve with practice.

On the other hand, I take no notice of what people say whereas you seem to be chronically indecisive. It's not so unusual. You can't have the benefits of your choices without the disadvantages, which seems to be the sticking point. In any case, no decision is final, and you could always backtrack if it doesn't suit. As someone who had to work so I could make a substantial contribution to household bills for thirty years I'd say grab the chance whilst it's going.

I once took a year off when my husband was top salesman for BT, and I managed to draft a novel, working just in the mornings. I think I spent a lot of time jogging round the park, too. His friends disapproved and kept asking when I'd be finished, rich ,famous, etc. I took no notice. It was a pleasant sabbatical from a horrible job in an eastend school, so that was an added bonus. Even so, after a year I missed the company of colleagues and even students!

I've found that now I'm retired I'm no less stressed as a full-time as distinct from a part-time writer. In some ways I'm even worse to live with, always laying down the law about not being interrupted, and swearing a lot when I am, but that's possibly because we live in a small flat and my husband is retired too. I also get bemused and preoccupied or just bad-tempered when the writing isn't going well.

Your husband could learn some coping strategies. There's a book written recently about being the partner of a writer - perhaps someone can remember the title.It would make a good birthday present for your husband, and you could read bits aloud to him.

Good luck!
Sheila

My wife supported my writing for two years. She never complained and always encouraged me to keep going. Once I realised success was not just round the corner, I became aware of just how selfish I'd been. She gave up so much just to keep me going. I wouldn't dream of putting her through that again. Now I work full time and write in the evenings and at weekends.

Sheila, you're right, I need to get over my chronic indecision, and my daft regard for what other people think. (I give the lie to this with my intention only to tell work colleagues and a couple of friends who live nearby, but I reckon I'll work up to a more robust stance.) Gulliver, it's selfish, yes, but I shall still earn 60% of my current wage, and be easier to live with to boot. I did support him financially once, through a period of unemployment, but of course he didn't choose that, and it was only for a couple of months.

My boss was quite supportive - I have to write a full proposal and expect it will take three months or so to happen, but I'm optimistic.

First off, your husband sounds like a total star! Well done on marrying him! :-)
And it's completely natural to be scared - it's a big change. Set yourself some achievable goals - entering relevant competitions, getting a first draft finished. 2 years isn't enough (unless you're really lucky) to become a famous writer, but it's definitely enough to
- get a few drafts finished
- enter some competitions
- take a writing course.

To give yourself some direction, can I suggest doing an MA in writing? You might spend a year doing that, then a year following up. This also eases you into the mind-set of working as a writer, and gives you experience in meeting deadlines. Make sure it is one that supports your kind of writng though - don't go to one that specialises in children's literature if all you want to write is poetry, for example.
Good luck!

Apropos my suggestion about the book for writers' partners, I've been looking into Alison Baverstock's book 'Is There a Book in You? and am reminded of what she said at her launch talk on Monday - it was partly written for people who find themselves supporting writers, both emotionally and financially. I would definitely recommend it, as I would recommend reading books about and by writers, going along to talks by writers, joining a local writers' group, etc. All this will boost a sense of identity which can be so easily worn away.

Keeping my fingers crossed that you'll get your days off, and envy you the sense of anticipation!

Sheila