I'd be really grateful for any quick comments on this, if anyone has time.

I'm going to the Writers' Workshop Festival of Writing in York, and the instructions are to send the first chapter, plus a 'one-page intro to you and your work'. I'm assuming they want more or less what you'd normally put in a query letter, so this is my effort:

Aimed at the quality women’s fiction market, TGOWH is a psychological mystery about secrets, lies, and second chances. Following her mother’s death, Chrissie returns home to the tiny Highland village of Rossan with her teenage daughter, Eve. For Eve it’s a way of escaping the bullies who’ve made her life hell; while Chrissie knows it’s time to tell her the truth about the father who walked out on her before she was born. And to find out why she can’t remember the car crash that almost killed her sixteen years ago. The photograph of an unknown female relative, found amongst her mother’s things, may hold the key, but Chrissie’s research into the mystery woman’s identity uncovers a decades-old scandal and threatens the new life she’s building. As her memories come back, old friends turn hostile; and as a series of unsettling events unfold, Chrissie doesn’t know who to trust. All Chrissie wants is a second chance for them both; but wanting might not be enough. The girl on Winter’s Hill died eighty years ago, but her murderer is very much alive…and if Chrissie can’t track him down, Eve’s going to pay the ultimate price. TGOWH was born out of a life-long fascination with the darker side of family history. It’s less of an Aga Saga, more a rusty Rayburn with something nasty lurking in the grate. I’m a Highland Scot who’s lived and worked pretty much everywhere from the South Coast to the Schwarzwald. I’ve been everything from an ice-cream seller to a jewellery designer, and for the past four years, I’ve worked in a mental health recovery unit. Two years ago I decided to stop thinking about being published and begin to work towards this. In 2010 I was a runner-up in the Woman & Home short story competition, which was my first piece of serious writing and which spurred me on to begin this novel. This year, I was short-listed for the Mslexia short story competition. I am currently planning a second novel, also set in the Highlands.

Then a bit thanking them for looking at my stuff. The above feels a bit disjointed, but my brain is fed up now And I don't think it's clear enough that it's Eve's father Chrissie needs to tell her about, not her own, but not sure how to rephrase.

As always, any advice much appreciated


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Sorry, should have said I won't use 'TGOWH' when I send it off!

Very quickly as typing on a tablet:

1. Confused by choice of TGWOH versus The Girl In Winter's Hill. I'd have thought first time should be stated in full and subsequent mentions abbreviated. I like where you used it in full, so maybe eliminate the abbreviations.
2. Ultra-confused by the bit about not focussing on being published for a... book. Think that para may be too self-deprecating and/or meaningless and/or redundant.
3. The "who to trust" may be a cliche.

Otherwise, I like it a lot.

I thought this provided a very good incentive to read the book - plenty of hooks. It also ticks plenty of other boxes - the competition references, etc.

Just a couple of detailed points.

Two years ago I decided to stop thinking about being published and begin to work towards this.

When I read this sentence I didn't immediately understand that the 'this' referred to 'thinking about being published' and looked back to see what it did actually refer to. The problem is that, when you read the sentence, it's the 'being published' that receives the emphasis rather than the 'thinking about' it. Something like this might make it clearer:

Two years ago I decided to stop just thinking about being published and instead to begin to work towards it.

Opinion will be divided on this one, but many will consider that in

a series of unsettling events unfold

the singular 'unfolds' should be used to agree with 'a series'.

I thought the bit about telling the truth about her father was quite explicit so I'm not sure why you're worried about this point.

A good intro, I'd say!

When I read this sentence I didn't immediately understand that the 'this' referred to 'thinking about being published' and looked back to see what it did actually refer to.

Oh, good point - thanks Chris and Gaius, much appreciated. Off to sort it quickly before I send it off (has to be emailed tomorrow).

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Actually, not sure I like the 'series of unsettling events' much - need something that doesn't sound so predictable Or am I over-thinking this?

<Added>

Okay, I've ditched the 'unsettling events' bit. Does this read any better?

[quote}As her memories come back, old friends turn hostile; and when Chrissie learns what really happened on the day of the crash, she has to out-think and out-run the one man she thought she could rely on.[/quote]

If so, would you end it there or retain the 'All Chrissie wants' paragraph?

sorry I've come to this too late to comment - just wanted to wish you all the best for York!

Thanks - made a quick tweak to the paragraph I wasn't sure about, and think it works better. Too late now anyway, it's been sent off!

Hope you have a great time, Astrea.