Hi guys

I'm playing around with my query letter and I know think it sounds pretty rubbish. But maybe I'm being hard on myself? I need help. Badly!

How does this sound?


Dear xxx

Attached is the synopsis and the first few blog extracts from my novel, The Blog of Maisy Malone. I hope that these will be of interest to you.This novel is complete at just over 70,000 words.

The Blog of Maisy Malone is a Young Adults comedy/drama novel, written by a seventeen year old with more worries than a group of hypochondriacs in a doctors waiting room. The blog gives Maisy an opportunity to rant about life with a borderline alcoholic father and neurotic mother and also allows her to develop relationships with a range of followers. As the blog develops, Maisy finds herself caught up in wider issues including riots that sweep across her city and escalating problems within her own fractured family, including the return of her absent older brother - the elusive and useless Ollie.

I believe that this novel could be seen as a modern day,edgy Adrian Mole. Because of this, I can see it appealing to a wide range of older readers, who enjoy books by authors such as Louise Rennison and Tom Clempson.

I am 32 years of age and have been writing since I was young. I currently work within Higher Education and my previous careers have been in recruitment, HR and washing up (and smashing) cups in BHS. I am now a mother of two small children and write when they are asleep or are distracted by CBeebies.

I also have a blog, PolythenePram.com and am currently building my Twitter presence.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Kind regards

Eve Ainsworth


Please help, is it as naff as I think it is??

Eve, it's not rubbish at all. I'd make a few changes.
(But others may disagree).
I wonder whether 'the first few blog extracts' should be 'the first 50 pages'?

written by a seventeen year old

implies that the real author (you) is 17. Maybe start a new sentence with 'Maisie is a seventeen year old...'

and also allows her to develop relationships with a range of followers

- feels a bit general - either be specific or drop it?

I believe that this novel could be seen as a modern day,edgy Adrian Mole.

- not sure about this. The fact that you believe it won't be of interest to an agent?
Your biog could be kept really short or you could even just direct them to the blogsite (great name by the way).

I hope you enjoy this as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

- I don't think this is necessary. Keep it short and to the point. They'll either read it or they won't!
The Writers Workshop used to read through query letters and send you a comment for free - don't know if they still do (Emma D?).
I s'pose my feeling is - the bones are all there but it could be shorter and snappier.
Susiex

Hi

It's a good start but you can definitely improve it. I agree with susie's comments.

Avoid any formalese language, as it doesn't show anyone at their lingusitic best. So none of the 'attached is' stuff.

Show more interest in them: You are the first agent I am approaching for representation because... etc

Cut the mother/CBeebies stuff. I know why you are doing it, because it's warm and fun and individual, but you are asking to be taken seriously as a professional. Imagine putting this in a job application letter (which a query is not dissimilar to: you are selling yourself in an overcrowded market.) You wouldn't.

Trim all the 'I believe' comments to make it sound more self assured. This book is aimed at readers who enjoy Louise Rennison (etc.)

In among the formalese and the new-writerly insecurity of tone in your pitch, your central idea shines though and sounds really vibrant. Cut the stuff that is even half way apologetic about it.

HTH

Good luck!

Yes I agree with Susie and Cherys. But also think you should cut the word 'rant' because it sounds as though it won't haver any shape. Young Adult should be without the 's'.

I'd put a paragraph break in after 'waiting room' because it feels like quite a dense paragraph..

Good luck!

I think it sounds pretty good. But I think you could do more to make the actual book sound interesting. Can you put in a 1 paragraph pitch?
I also think you should drop rant - it doesn't make it sound fun to read.

Does this sound better?

Dear...


The Blog Of Maisy Malone is a Young Adults comedy/drama novel, written by a seventeen year old protaganist with more worries than a group of hypochondriacs in a doctors waiting room.

The blog allows Maisy to open up about life with a boderline alhocholic father, neurotic mother and recently returned (and despised) older brother; whilst she develops relationships with a range of weird and wonderful followers - including the mysterious and elusive 007.

In the midst of this, Maisy finds herself caught up in wider issues, including the Summer 2011 riots thar sweep across London and escalating problems with her own fractured family.

I believe this novel could be seen as a modern day edgy Adrian Mole, crossed with a younger, working-class Bridget Jones.

I am 32 years of age and have been writing since I was young. I currently work within Higher Education and my previous careers have been in recruitment, HR and smashing cups in the BHS cafe.

I have attached the synopsis and the first 10,000 words for your attention. The novel is complete at 70,000 words.

I look forward to hearing from you

Kind regards

<Added>

* bugger, excuse the typos. I was typing on my Dad's old laptop and rushing as usual!!

Hi Eve

I like this - thought the first version was good and the second definitely better.

I thought the Twitter and blog stuff was a good idea, but I see you've taken it out of the second letter?

Yes I really like that. I wondered if you could include a line about Maisie's journey at the end of the second para though?

It's important to make clear that it has a structur and isn;t just her thoughts, if that makes sense? So it has a proper narrative beginning, middle and end?

I agree with Caroline. I 'd like to see some sense of the arc of the story. Also, you should definitely take the 's' off young adult. I also wouldn't mention your age. Not necessary. Other than that I think it reads well, though I'm a little unsure about the '...hypochondriacs in a doctor's waiting room' phrase. Something felt jarring about that to me.