Does anyone have any thoughts on this before I send it off to the editor I met at the Verulam 'Get Writing' event?

Yes, I know I should have sent it earlier, but I've been putting it off until I was absolutely sure the first three chapters were okay enough to send. It's a bit odd, because she's heard the pitch, so knows what the book is about, so I didn't want to re-hash too much, but not sure I've struck the right note...too much about me? (trying to make myself sound interesting is always tricky!) As always, any help gratefully received

Solicited Submission from Verulam ‘Get Writing 2012’ When I met you at the above event, you were kind enough to say you liked my pitch for my novel, ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’. You gave me one of your ‘smiley face’ tags, indicating I should send you a sample—unfortunately this delighted me so much I had a brain-freeze moment and forgot to ask how much I should send. I am therefore enclosing a synopsis and the first three chapters, in line with the submission guidelines for non-fiction on your website. ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’ is a psychological mystery aimed at the quality women’s fiction market, about secrets, lies and second chances. Born out of a life-long fascination with the darker side of family history, it’s less of an Aga Saga, more a rusty Scottish Rayburn with something nasty lurking in the grate. Married with two cats and an ever-expanding handbag collection, I’m a Highland Scot who’s lived and worked pretty much everywhere from the South Coast to the Schwarzwald. I’ve been everything from an ice-cream seller to a jewellery designer, and I now work-part time for a mental health charity. In 2010 I was a runner-up in the Woman & Home short story competition, which spurred me on to begin this novel. I am currently planning a second novel, also set in the Highlands. Thank you for expressing an interest in ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’. If my submission does not meet your current requirements, please feel free to recycle it.

Hi Astrea

I think the ending is rather too self-effacing and the tone is generally not confident.

I think I would keep it brief and leave out the biographical detail. Perhaps:

Further to our converation at Verulam about my novel ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’, when you invited me to send you some sample chapters, I am enclosing a synopsis and the first three chapters in line with the submission guidelines on your website. Thank you for expressing an interest in ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’, I hope you like it and look forward to hearing from you.

She will already know a certain amount about you from your talk and, at this stage, I think she will only be interested in the writing. The letter is just a cover note, really.

Hope this helps but please wait for more informed opinions than mine before putting anything in the post.

And best of luck with it!

I wouldn't kick off with your uncertainty about what to submit - and probably not put it in at all. (especially if what you're doing is pointing out that her website is missing info) Plus That para could be slimmed down, as she knows what her own habits are. How about something like:

"We met at Verulam, and I was delighted that at the pitch session you asked to see my novel '....' I'm enclosing the first three chapters and a synopsis. "

The paragraph about the book sounds good to me.

I'd be inclined to trim the married/cats/handbags, but after that the bio paragraph makes you sound interesting, and qualified to write about the highlands, and the Woman & Home thing is really important.

For the ending, you do need to tell them what to do with your sub, so don't forget to put in a SAE for the answer - and say so (so they can hunt for it in the envelope...) as well as 'please recycle'

I agree with the others - I think I would say something like:

Solicited Submission from Verulam ‘Get Writing 2012’ Dear XXX, you may remember that we met at the above event, where you were kind enough to say you liked my pitch for my novel, ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’, and asked me to send a sample. I'm therefore enclosing a synopsis and the first three chapters. ‘The Girl On Winter’s Hill’ is a XXX word psychological mystery aimed at the quality women’s fiction market, about secrets, lies and second chances I might possibly put in a bit more blurb here - this is very brief - you're relying on her remembering what it's about and she may not. Born out of a life-long fascination with the darker side of family history, it’s less of an Aga Saga, more a rusty Scottish Rayburn with something nasty lurking in the grate. I’m a Highland Scot who’s lived and worked pretty much everywhere from the South Coast to the Schwarzwald. I’ve been everything from an ice-cream seller to a jewellery designer, and I now work-part time for a mental health charity. In 2010 I was a runner-up in the Woman & Home short story competition, which spurred me on to begin this novel. I am currently planning a second novel, also set in the Highlands. Best wishes,

(The itals are bits I've changed/added)

When I was subbing I never bothered to say to anyone to recycle - I think if it's a requested sub they can do you the courtesy of replying by email, and they will recycle your sub unless told otherwise. But it wouldn't hurt to include this if you wanted to.

I can't add any intelligent comment to this thread, other than to say good luck Astrea!

You've got some good advice here already. Best of luck

Astrea I loved your first letter as it was, actually. It makes you sound like a really lovely person. Good luck with your book!

Thank you Jem! And thanks everyone - it's going in the post tomorrow, so it's real nail-biting time then.

Except it isn't, really - I'm so chuffed to have got this far, and I know I wouldn't have done it without the support and good advice from people here at WW. Whatever happens, I think I've given it as close to my best shot as I can manage, so thanks again

Tons of luck, Astrea.

Yes, i'd leave out the jokey comments too, Astrea (brain-freeze etc).

Best of luck with it. Keep us posted xx

I had the same thought EXACTLY as Jem (I'd certainly publish ya...er, if I were a publisher) but everyone's advice is brill.

GOOD LUCK!!

I'm with Jem and Caroline. Your original letter was sweet and very funny. If I were an agent, that would utterly charm me into a positive response.