I've made this (fairly wretched) attempt at a pitch for the Verulam Get Writing 2012 event on Saturday, where I've got two sessions booked, one with Jane Judd (10 minutes...eek!) and the other with Donna Condon of Piatkus (only 3 minutes, thank goodness). Jane Judd will have seen my synopsis and first chapter, but the second pitch will be blind.

If anyone has any thoughts on something to make the following less turgid, I'd be really grateful! My novel is called, 'The Girl On Winter's Hill', but I've abbreviated to TGOWH.

TGOWH is set in the Scottish highlands, but there are no castles, no lairds, and definitely no men in kilts. Aimed at the quality women’s fiction market, TGOWH is a psychological mystery about secrets, lies, and second chances. Following her mother’s death, Chrissie returns home to the tiny Highland village of Rossan with her teenage daughter, Eve. For Eve it’s a way of escaping the bullies who’ve made her life hell; while Chrissie knows it’s time to tell Eve the truth about the father who walked out on her before she was born. All Chrissie wants is a second chance for them both; but wanting might not be enough. Because TGOWH died eighty years ago, but her murderer is very much alive; and if Chrissie can’t track him down, Eve’s going to pay the ultimate price. I’m a Highland Scot who’s lived and worked pretty much everywhere from the South Coast to the Schwarzwald. I’ve been everything from an ice-cream seller to a jewellery designer, and I now work-part time for a mental health charity.

Many thanks in advance for any comments

Can't pretend any specialist knowledge, just a personal reaction. Thought the jokey first sentence seemed out of kilter with the crisp clarity of the rest.
Best of luck,
G

Hi Astrea

The main thing here is that you haven't put your writing credits down. Am I right in thinking you have done well in a couple of competitions?

The other thing is whether you can or should give an example of someone who writes in a similar genre to yourself.


But you have said what TGOWH is, what it sets out to do and, as you are reading this, you can have a light-hearted first section and change your tone to signal the second section.

I don't have any specialist knowledge either, but good luck

It sounds like a darned good story to me, Astrea! I agree that if you have writing credits to include, you should put them in.

But then, I know absolutely nothing about pitching. Really hoping it goes well for all of you on Sat!

Looks good to me - agree about any writing credits. My only thought is that this:

no castles, no lairds, and definitely no men in kilts.

is funny, but what you say it DOES have is

a psychological mystery about secrets, lies, and second chances.

which is perfectly true, and we need to know it but not very concrete - and so not as evocative. It's quite daring to start by saying what a book doesn't offer the reader, and you need to work doubly-hard after that to say what it does offer the reader.

What would be the equivalent of castles/lairds/kilts?, that it does have? Essentially, it's a show/tell question...

Emma

Because TGOWH died eighty years ago, but her murderer is very much alive

Again, no expert, but I was confused by the idea of a murderer still being alive 80 years after killing someone and perhaps the person you're pitching to would be, too?

I don't know how much you're supposed to explain in a pitch and how much you're supposed to tantalize, but to me it reads more like a bookjacket blurb than a pitch which should be designed to convince the person you're pitching to that the story is a good one which you've got properly worked out. I'm not sure your current pitch quite does that.

Perhaps expand it a bit?

<Added>

Although, thinking about it, I suppose the pitch is also an invitation for the other person to ask questions so perhaps what you've written is enough as long as you're well prepared to field their questions. But three minutes doesn't seem like very long so I guess it'll be pretty quick-fire stuff! Good luck!

Thanks everyone - Emma, good point about the intangibles, I'll have to think about that.

Sharley, it was only one competition,and I was only a runner-up, so not sure if it's worth mentioning. Maybe if I run out of stuff to say (which, let's face it, is looking quite likely!)

Jan, it's tricky because the first pitch will be to Jane Judd, who has been sent my synopsis and first chapter, so she will know how the plot plays out. The second session only lasts three minutes, so maybe I could expand the plot details a little, but I think the pitch is to basically whet the interest, so it is a bit like a blurb.

Right, off to do part two...

Good luck. I still have NO idea what I will do for a pitch when the agent has seen my synopsis and first five pages... guess you are in the same boat, being as you'll be standing behind me

Hmmm. You see, I think that one's less scary than the 'blind' one, because at least JJ will have seen the synopsis and first chapter, and she'll have a pretty good idea of whether it's her cup of tea or not. (Which means my inane ramblings aren't the only thing she has to judge me on...a Good Thing, if you ask me!)

Yes, I saw you're first on! But at least she'll be relatively fresh when we have our slots - I'm guessing even with the best will in the world, pitch fatigue can set in after a while at these events.

And at least you have actually finished your novel - I'd have to lock myself in my room for three weeks to finish mine if anyone actually wanted to see all of it!

I haven't read any of your extracts so this is purely gut reaction:

I agree with Gaius that the first sentence seems a little out of kilter with the rest. I think I'd be tempted to scrap it and just go for something more simple eg:

THE GIRL ON WINTER'S HILL is a XXXXX word psychological mystery about secrets, lies, and second chances.

This could sit at either the beginning or the end, whichever you felt worked better. Maybe it would be more effective to start with the premise and then wind up with the overview?

I think the second paragraph is excellent: pithy and intriguing, the only thing if I were getting this as an agent, I would like a bit more specifics on how the girl on Winter's hill is tied in with the "now" story. Why is it so essential for Chrissie to track the murderer down? Has he got designs on her, or does she stir up mud as a result of her innocent probing?

I know you say you want something blurb-y, but I think it's a tiny bit too "blurb"-ish at the moment. I think if you can put in a few more concrete specifics then that would help intrigue the agent further.

(Also, finally, I know you're giving this verbally, but I mention this just in case you use the same pitch in a cover letter - the semi-colons before "while" and "but" look a bit wrong to me. My instinct is that you don't need them because there are no commas in the sentence, so you could use a comma. But I'm SO not a punctuation expert so maybe canvas other people before you take my word!)

Thanks everyone - I've reworked taking note of your comments as below (I liked the first sentence, but I think you're probably right about the tone not fitting with the rest of the pitch):

Aimed at the quality women’s fiction market, TGOWH is a psychological mystery about secrets, lies, and second chances. Following her mother’s death, Chrissie returns home to the tiny Highland village of Rossan with her teenage daughter, Eve. For Eve it’s a way of escaping the bullies who’ve made her life hell; while Chrissie knows it’s time to tell Eve the truth about the father who walked out on her before she was born. And to find out why she can’t remember the car crash that almost killed her sixteen years ago. The photograph of an unknown female relative, found amongst her mother’s things, may hold the key; but Chrissie’s researches into the mystery woman’s identity uncover a decades-old scandal and threaten the new life she’s building. As her memories come back, old friends turn hostile; and when a series of unsettling events unfold, Chrissie doesn’t know who to trust. All Chrissie wants is a second chance for them both; but wanting might not be enough. Because TGOWH died eighty years ago, but her murderer is very much alive; and if Chrissie can’t track him down, Eve’s going to pay the ultimate price. TGOWH was born out of a life-long fascination with the darker side of family history. It’s less of an Aga Saga, more a rusty Rayburn with something nasty lurking in the grate. I’m a Highland Scot who’s lived and worked pretty much everywhere from the South Coast to the Schwarzwald. I’ve been everything from an ice-cream seller to a jewellery designer, and I now work-part time for a mental health charity. Two years ago I decided to stop thinking about being published and begin to work towards this. In 2010 I was a runner-up in the Woman & Home short story competition, which spurred me on to begin this novel. I am currently planning a second novel, also set in the Highlands. Thank you for your time today.

The only thing I will probably add is a bit about why I wanted to pitch to the two people I've chosen - do you think this will be okay?