It's been a busy few weeks. I passed my MA and got a first for my dissertation, which was pretty amazing. I then found out one of my short story submissions was published on Writers' Hub website - so I was pretty thrilled all round.
However my manuscript is still being rejected - I think it's six or seven now, with about four more to come back.
I am feeling cross with myself for having changed the beginning of the manuscript because the first agent who saw it said it was dull/slow/cold. It's actually not, but I panicked and re-wrote the first three pages anyway, which I feel now has done it a disservice - so I am going to change it back. Then I am going to start submitting to publishers. I loved to think I might get an agent with this first round of submissions, but now I'm not convinced....in fact, convinced I won't.
I think I'm feeling low because I had hoped to have an agent by now and be sitting down in January happily writing the next book. Instead, I am still justifying to myself (and others) why I write. I suppose I thought if I had an agent my family might not fall about laughing when I ask to be left alone, or ask me what I've been doing when there are so many other things to be done. I don't want to stop writing, but I can see why people do.

I don't see why with all my recent success I feel so low? Is it because the closer you get to achieving your dream, the tougher the knock backs?

Sorry, this is a real moan - life could be so very much worse - I just need a big kick up the backside. Please feel free to tell me to pull myself together.

Tons of LUCK, funnyvalentine.

It is awful when your family/ friends don't understand. Much sympathy on that.
But many huge congratulations on passing your MA and getting a first for your dissertation! That is fantastic. And well done on getting a story out there, too - it shows you're on the right track, someone is reading and enjoying your work and promoting it.
I think when you set yourself goals, for writing as for anything else, you have to make them under your control. For example, saying 'I will submit this novel to 20 agents by the New Year' is under your control. It may be hard to achieve, but you can do it, and you can feel great about it when you've achieved it. But saying 'I will have an agent by the New Year' isn't under your control, because there are too many variables (e.g. what happens if Agent-Specific Bubonic Plague strikes...).
I think the problem is that so many of our major goals as writers are outside our control. We ought to focus on the ones that are in our control, and remember to celebrate when we achieve them!

I don't want to stop writing

Give it another five years, and you probably will.

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Because I'e been where you are for years now, I mean. It's very frustrating, to always come so close and never get anywhere, and I am stopping now.

Congratulations on your MA. I've always wanted letters after my name, but never actually buckled down to doing the work.

Great news about the Writers' Hub too.

My husband isn't particularly pro my writing. In fact we've had humdinger rows about it - as I work full-time and then want some time at weekends where I can write without interruption. I can see his point-of-view. I'm not around much during the week and at weekends I don't fully participate with family life (although I do try).

I do know what you mean by wanting to show your family why you sit alone when there's washing/ironing to be done, etc. If you had an agent, you're on the road to showing them it is worth the time, effort and, possibly for them, aggro.

The MA is brilliant. The Writers' Hub is great too. I do hope 2012 is a good year for you and you manage the hat-trick.

Yes, I agree that it was fine as it was to start with. Six or seven isn't that many in the grand scheme of things, so keep on with that subbing.

But WELL DONE for getting a first in your MA! And getting the short story published. These are all things that will show prospective agents/publishers that you are a force to be reckoned with.

And we already know that you can write incredibly well. Only a matter of time for you, I feel.

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I know what you mean about having to justify why you write - or the fact that you're still doing it in the face of all the rejections.

People always want to know when your next book is coming out. And if you're writing a novel and it's even in first draft stage, they always want to know when it'll be published - and they don't understand when you tell them it might not be!

Congrats on the MA dissertation and the short publication. Those are great things for your writing CV. I think it's always hard with non-writing friends and family because the route to publication isn't at all what it seems. But that said, you seem well on your way. It's just that the people around you probably don't understand that this is a very up and down business but we do. I hope to see you on a yay thread before long. S

Oops on a thread hijacking note:Sapph are you really stopping???!!!

I don understand what Steerpike`s sister talks about "Under-control, not under-control"

I will submit this novel to 20 agents by the New Year' is under your control.

Simply, it's a decision you've taken with a firm belief any agent will make a request to read your Full MSS.

'I will have an agent by the New Year' isn't under your control

And this is your Positive thinking and you must keep it up. I tell you my story I submitted my first short story to a small print magazine, and after that I started thinking the editor would come up with positive comments. And one day I was very curious to check my email, and when I did It saw from the Editor I've been waiting for.

If you can't helping thinking you'd get an agent -- this is an extreme hope, a message that comes from your Instinct. Actually this can't be controlled.

And don't care what your family members say, throw their remarks in space. But it's all your fault why did you share with them you're writing a novel? Have you told them you've got a short story published? And if you did, what was their reactions on your success? And if they didn't say anything or just nodded simply, then it might a possibility they're jealous. It's one of human natures. Believe in your work and keep thinking you'd have an agent.

Good Luck,

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Her term 'Under control, not under control' reminded me one of my favorite songs " self control by Laura Branigan" and I love her voice.

Good morning - thank you so very very much everyone and I'd like to apologise for such a self-indulgent rant! It was meant to be a 'yay' thread...

You're all absolutely right, Leila about the control thing. It's such good advice - to focus on the things I can and let go of the result. So today I am going to change the script back (thank you Freebird - for your support) and get seven more subs out this week.

Thank you Sharley and Shika and Mox for cheering me up. I don't think I'm going to give up Saph (you're not surely....?), I'd miss it too much. So I will continue to write into the void and stop sulking and enjoy Christmas.

Thank you so very much everyone for helping me with such a major wobble. Have a lovely sunny Sunday.

Aw FV your writing is too good to let it languish in a drawer - you KNOW that. Keep subbing. I think 20 is a good aim.

I agree with the closer to your dream, the harder the knocks. After I got an agent the subbing to publishers nearly killed me. I felt I like I just couldn't bear to have got this far and then fall at the last fence - even though it was much more impersonal than subbing to agents because I didn't have to do it myself, or even see the replies if I didn't want to.

I do agree with Leila there's no point in punishing yourself over arbitrary deadlines that are outside your control. Of course we all have hopes and dreams and targets, but when those hopes depend on the whims of others and the economic climate and the last book the agent read/got a deal for/failed to sell then there's no point in beating yourself up about it.

Instead, I am still justifying to myself (and others) why I write.

Never do that. Do you have to justify why you read, or sleep, or smile? You do it because you have to, because some of the time it makes you happy, because you want to. There's no justification necessary, to you or anyone else. Until you get to the point where you don't want to do it, of course.

FV, there are lOADS of agents out there, i wouldn't give up on them yet after only 10 subs.

Well done about the short stories, that really is encouraging.

FunnyV, that's sooooo brilliant about the first, and the short! And the all-round passing of your MA. Many congratulations!

I think when you set yourself goals, for writing as for anything else, you have to make them under your control.

Yes, I think this is absolutely true. It applies at the micro level too: you can't make 1000 words happen, but you can sit at the screen for a set length of time, and refuse to do anything else. (And 90% of the time, the words then do happen, just as, much of the time, the goal you can definitely achieve does lead on to either the goal you can't control, or a different goal which you didn't even know you might achieve).

the closer to your dream, the harder the knocks.

And thanks for saying this, Flora, because a) it's true b) I was wondering why it should be true last night, and worked it out, and decided to blog about it, but didn't make a note there and then, and then this morning couldn't for the life of me remember what my midnight inspiration had been about!

And yes I should have added all your other news is A-MAZING!!!

Blimey - I think you should pat yourself on the back and take a bow!

Thank you so very much everyone - I feel much better now. I can write, but I think I panicked about my plotting - an area I've struggled with in the past - and thought I hadn't plotted this book well enough. Though actually, having spent all day comparing it with others on the market, I think I have.

I don't know where the great Cloud of Doom came from, but I think it's lifted. It may have had something to do with all these little children getting excited about Christmas when all I can do is think about how I can sneak off to the computer...instead of gaily taking a batch of mince pies/brownies out of the oven...

Today I am putting changes back in place and will hopefully make the last post tonight.

Thank you so much for all the support, once again.