Tinyclanger, I thought you would’ve known better than to get mixed up with Dee. She’s a recognised troublemaker and all her threads should be squashed, not just the one she was wingeing about. And now she’s got you and Tim and Ticonderoga and Katie all wrapped up in this latest snare, in hope that we all stop work on whatever masterpieces we may be writing so as to leave room for her latest novel (Gawd, I hate her) to go to the top of the bestseller list whilst we’re in the middle of a midden in Cumbria. Subtle it ain’t. As for my involvement, I’ve only just got back from looking at gravestones on the Western Front and would rather not become overly associated with mortality. Well. Not for a bit.

Anyway. Broken down fence of a private house in its own grounds somewhere near Elterwater round the corner (possibly) from The Britannia Inn and Colonel Plum in the Library with a rope. Wonderful, Dee. Thanks for the directions.

Rather than fall into Dee’s trap, I have not – like the rest of you – spent hours researching this. But three days (hence the lengthy silence from here). This is because it seemed quicker to check the Keswick Library first before heading into the Langdale Pikes, though having studied its entire Local History stock I’m none the wiser. Correction: I am the wiser, but only in the following subjects: ‘100 Glorious Years of The Carlisle Fire Brigade’; ‘Old Westmorland WI Recipes’; ‘My Life As A Herdsman by M. Bragg’; ‘Lakeland Life 100 Years Ago In Photographs’ (thick volume) and ‘Lakeland Life 200 Years Ago In Photographs’ (thin, as the publication was somewhat premature).

I have found out though that someone called William Wordsworth (and if he’s on WriteWords, hey Will: watch out for Dee) wrote a special poem to mark the death of someone else and that this poem is engraved on that person’s tombstone which is somewhere in the Elterwater area. However, I’ve no idea of the location or what Will actually said. ALSO:

The records of the Chapel Stile Womens’ Institute (Elterwater) proudly report (and I kid you not) that no less a personage than G. M. Trevelyan himself is buried locally, though I can’t find any reference to this anywhere else. But then, they may not have been referring to one of Britain’s finest historians but Georgina Margaret, celebrated winner of the home baked apple pie open competition of 1878.

So. William Wordsworth. G.M. Trevelyan. Some combination. I will endeavour to actually get out to Elterwater as soon as possible but in the meantime am waiting to hear if Katie likes my newly completed unsolicited manuscript ‘Little Known Epitaphs Of the Lake District’, which by complete coincidence I have just finished and am now examining the merchandising opportunities.

‘Best:

Melvyn.

PS: under no circumstances take any notice of Dee's next suggestion that everyone go look at this charming epitaph she discovered but can't quite now remember in an ice field outside Thule.

Lor, Richard, how exciting!!

Looks like you are onto something....(why did 'a wild goose chase' just spring into my mind?)

Nuff respec' and honorary membership of the Guild of Ephitaph Lovers is the minimum you deserve for your efforts.
We did have some drinkies for helpers,......oh, it seems to have gone..sorry! (Dee, did we really drink all that?)

Will listen for updates with breath bated and flabber ready to be gasted. Will also persue enquiries from this end re Will and Trev.

Dee....If we find out the answer, what will we do with our leftover posts? Compose sonnets in Richard's honour, I think, (I nearly said epitaphs, there!)

Oh, won't sleep tonight, now!

Very impressive Richard, even thiough you appear to have discovered rather more than anyone would wish to know about the finer points of prize winning desserts.
Can't wait to see how this one ends...
Katie

Hi tinyclanger: Britannia used to be good with chicken in a basket, but I'm not sure about wild geese. Oh, and thanks for drinking everything in sight. My researchers now report the discovery of another cryptic Lakeland gravestone:

He came. He saw.
He fell over a broken-down fence
And was attacked by
Guard dogs
Under a wild December sky.
He did not die
He did not die
But was seriously messed up
And so retired to a
Bungalow
in Bournemouth.

Lyrical, isn't it? But more Coleridge than Wordsworth, methinks.

Katie: I take it, you're going to pass on representing 'Little Known Prize Winning Dessert Recipes of The Lake District.' Ah well. There's still the dramatisation of Carlisle Fire Brigade's glorious hundred years. It's no wonder Britain's finest literary figures all live oop here. So much inspiration, y'see.
PS: have you noticed, how Dee's gone all quiet? That's because she's secretly working whilst we're all distracted.
Richard

When I researched Elterwater, I read a very interesting interview with an ancient worker from "the powder factory" - apparently there was a gun powder factory there and one stage. So not all apple turnovers and hardy sheep, there was probably the occasional bang as well....why do I just KNOW I shouldn't have said that..

I do like your alternative epitaph Richard, you could tap into a sadly neglected market, there. I just hope when Dee's does turn up, it's the work of genius we are all expecting. 'Twill be such a let down if it's:

He rides his wild October sky he did not die, he did not die ...............but then he did

(ok,ok, I know not my best, but just did it off the top of my head)

And you're right, where is Dee - did she d**?
Or is she just holed up in the Britannia...

Just climbing out of the pit of despair I collapsed into round about the last bottle of red falling-down-juice, TC.
No, seriously, I was out last night - I do have a life you know, Richard. Harrumph. I give you this fun game to keep you occupied and you complain. Tcheugh!!!
But I forgive you because - Hey! aren't you doing well? Knew you could come up with something. You're not making it up as you go along are you?

TC, Elterwater Hall used to belong to the family who owned the gunpowder factory. The reason I was able to wander around the grounds on the loose was because the site was being turned into what became, at the time, the most luxurious and expensive time-share develoment in Europe and I was assistant to the interior design company. It was a fabulous time, working with such quality... sigh...
But back to the grave...

Have a guinness in the Brit for me, Richard. I haven't been there for years but they used to be renowned for their Herdwick stew although, as a veggie, I've never tasted it. To be honest, I don't think I would be able to eat it even if I was a rampant carnivore. Those Herdwicks are just too damned cute for words.

Dee.

I've had a splendid, if frustrating, afternoon. Poured over everything I could find relating to Will, Trevelyan and Elterwater. I now can't wait to go there, but am no nearer connecting the three in the way we want.
I've read lots of WW epitaphs, in a very ancient and obscure edition we had in the library, and discovered that he wrote a lot of 'odd' stuff really, as well as the famous ones. He was never my favourite - have to say he still isn't on the list - apologies to any who knows him better!
Trev seems to have been an interesting chap, but can't find on the net anything which tells me where exactly he's buried, and Elterwater seems to be paradise on earth, but doesn't brag about the famous folk beneath it's soils. Dee, I know all about the time share - think I may actually have bought one..

I am about ready to admit that it can't be found by me. Richard, it's over to you....who would be buried in a grave like this..

Dee: D'you know, that's exactly the same pitch you made to me when I drove up there in 1984 when we were both eighteen. Ullswater Lodge, you said. Buy this one; you won't regret it. 25% discount on account of the fact the leisure centre / swimming pool wasn't yet built so get in early before anyone else does. So, um, I did. Never regretted it -- the view out to Red Bank, the watermill churning 'neath the window, the little stream running through the middle of the Pillar restaurant, parties in the sauna in the lodge. . . Ah. Memories. Cost me a fortune. And now I know, it wuz all your fault.

TC: don't give up on the search. As to who would be buried in a grave like that, it's all the unfortunate buggers bankrupted by Dee's marketing spiel and laid to rest in Langdale (well, in The Langdales: the unscrupulous timeshare sharks nicked the name for what was formerly known as Big Bang Canyon, whoa-hey!) I like your epitaph though. Not yours personally, I mean. The one you wrote. Then again, I like Tim's anagram, too.Where is Tim? Baghdad, I guess.

Richardx

18? In 1984?
Dream on, my friend!
xxx

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ps: The Pillar. Oh the memories!

OK. Still looking for that blasted gravestone (though have sold the screen rights to Matt Damon: it's gonna be called 'Last Will & Testament Hunting'.
My travels have, however, uncovered (behind some moss) an original short story so graphic, so charming, so primitive and so utterly complete I wuz tempted to claim authorship and upload it here. This is it:


Here lies John Ross
Kicked by a hoss


You'll find it in the main churchyard at Kendal.

Wot a wonderful chronicle though of the fragility of life, the ambiguous relationship between man and beastie, and the unexpected effect of a hitherto unacknowledged American immigration on the regional lexicon of the pastoral communities of the southern Lakes circa 1900.

I think someone could teach this as a university course.

Onwards & downwards, Richard

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* How on earth did that smiley get in there???? I can't do 'em.

But aren't you Funky Formats?????

Hmmm... yes, well spotted, Richard. I shouldn't think it would take Sally too much effort to find her own webpage!

This gravestone you saw?? I know they broke the mould after Kendal was created but... I don't think I believe you... Did you take a photo of it?

Dee.
x

Do we have progress? Are we on the cusp of knowledge, ready to teeter over the brink? Darn it all, why is this taking so long? Bless you Richard for your quest, methinks we should forge a ring and band together..
I do like the Ross epitaph, bit out of place in Kendal - sounds like it should be in Tombstone. Slide another shot of whisky down the bar..

<Added>

And time is ticking, folks. We'reat 31 - cut off point seems to be around 40. Will Dee's poser outlive the thread?

Well that's strange, Sally. When I checked your profile an hour ago Funkyformats was listed as your homepage. Now it isn't. That's weird.

Dee.

<Added>

Pity you're in the south... you could have joined our quest!