Hi

I wasn't sure whether to post this here, or in 'newcomers' (that's part of the problem) - so if I've jumped in with the 'Big Boys' (and Girls) too quickly, no offence intended.

A few years ago I had real enthusiasm for my writing, even taking a Masters. The teaching (like anywhere) ranged from inspirational to baffling. Reactions to my writing ranged from 'Gosh, you've got great potential' to 'Gosh, you're unpublishable'. There was definitely some truth in the latter, at least at that point in my writing.

My dilemma is, I want to write, for the best, most virtuous kind of reasons - for the pleasure of creating worlds, for making my own sense of things. I really do get the thing that 'real writers' don't write to be published, to be famous, to be called a 'Writer'. (I'm deliberately not telling any 'real' people 'Oh yeah, I'm writing again'. The hunger is there, I think.

But my confidence is lying downstairs, bloodied and bruised in the kitchen! Each time I open Word, she rises up and reminds me of all the cutting things I was told on my MA (her memory is fantastic). I try to create other worlds, scenarios, people - but nothing comes.

I know that nothing comes without hard work. But I also believe that it's important to know when to set aside your tools and when you need to move on. I hate the airy 'Oh yes, I've got a novel, I just haven't got around to it' - like the public dieter who explains to you in detail how they can't lose weight, however hard they try, as they scatter crisp crumbs over your desk.

Can anyone offer reassurance/empathy/a stiff coffee?

Many thanks in advance.

Hi

It's great you posted. The more posts, the merrier.

I had a similar issue about four years ago after I took one-to-one lessons with a writer who lived locally. She charged a small fee to review the first three chapters and then encouraged one-to-one sessions as 'I could definitely write, but needed work'.

The only thing was that she dwelt upon the negatives. At our final session I asked her to tell me what I could do well and not what I couldn't do, so I could see the positives. However, she spent the entire lesson pointing out negatives, as usual, and then blithely said she was moving soon, so couldn't see me again (she didn't move for another two years). But she did me a favour, as I'd got to the point where I thought my writing was rubbish and what was the point?

I spent almost the next year not writing but after a while I started to lurk on here again. Then, like you, the desire to write grew again and decided to post in one of the groups here. The feedback was constructive and one member made me smile with his 'What?' reaction to my over-enthusiastic storyline (he was the master of emoticons).

But, as I said, the feedback was constructive, as people here want to reciprocate with the critiques, feedback and experiences of writing.

My advice is to join a group and get stuck in. The constructive feedback will help those other comments fade into the background. There are levels too, so you can ask for people to be gentle with you at first, and explain how nervous you are but how much - like all of us - you want to write.

If you can't put pen to paper at first, read what others have written and the feedback given and see if you agree/disagree. Edge your way back in and be kind to yourself.

Good luck





Edited by Sharley at 10:11:00 on 24 August 2013

I really do get the thing that 'real writers' don't write to be published, to be famous, to be called a 'Writer'.

Ummm... I'm not sure I'd agree with that. I think real writers come in many flavours, and many of them do want publication.

But I really sympathise with how you feel, and I think Sharley's advice is very good.

I think we've all been there. I had horrible feedback from a writer's conf one-to-one in February, but I've had lovely feedback from similar meetings on similar occasions.

Reactions to my writing ranged from 'Gosh, you've got great potential' to 'Gosh, you're unpublishable'. There was definitely some truth in the latter, at least at that point in my writing.

I think the most important thing is to focus on the positive feedback you've had, and process and deal with the negative. Example of processing and dealing with the negative - ask yourself if you can learn anything from it, then ask others who know your work whether they think the criticisms were valid; put aside what is left, and try to forget it. Also, remember that almost every single writer (if there are exceptions, they're very rare) goes through stages where their writing is not publishable. Most of us go from being "completely unpublishable" (as we begin our writing journey) to "with promise but not publishable yet" to "nearly there", and hopefully we make it to being of publishable standard, and also hit the jackpot in terms of producing something which is not only of publishable standard but which is marketable, and a publisher likes it enough to publish it.

So every time somebody's said you're not publishable, they are probably talking about where you are in your process, not that you don't have any promise. And every time somebody tells you you have really great potential it means that it's worth you ploughing on through the learning process, because if you persevere you will probably get there eventually, maybe in the way you most want to have success, or maybe in a way you hadn't originally envisaged, but that's okay too.

My view (as someone who is not published yet) is that those of us with enough basic ability should achieve some form of success with writing if we PERSEVERE. That's the key. Be open to learning and keep buggering on. You may want to be a published novelist but instead find success in selling short stories to mags, or writing non-fiction books, or something else. But keep buggering on and I'd be surprised if you didn't find success with some of your writing, at some point.

Chin up, and JUST WRITE.

Deb

I can tell you can write just from your post. How's that for reassurance?

My suggestion is to write a flash piece every day for a while. Writing bits and pieces of flash can be very good for getting creativity flowing again. Because they are so short, there is little pressure, and you will probably surprise yourself.

Very wise words from Sharley and Debac.

reassurance/empathy/a stiff coffee?

*passes all three*

Seriously, that's so tough. I think everyone has peaks and troughs in their confidence, but this is quite a trough, and although courses are great, they're also rich fuel for your inner critic. Some thoughts in no particular order.

I think writing to be published is just fine, because being published is being heard, and that's what we all really want. I know that if a law were passed saying that no one was ever allowed to read my writing again, I'd stop writing.

And even wanting to be famous for your writing is very understandable - because, again, that's more people hearing you, and validation that you are good, that what you do is worth it. I call it conditional validation - and it's sooooo important. IT only goes wrong when wanting to be famous starts to over-ride your proper creative drives. As long as you never write anything purely for the external, material gains it might bring - as long as if you don't get them, you'll still be pleased you did all the work and created that piece - you'll be fine.

And that's one key, I think, and why the all-negative stuff that so many courses and teachers dish out is so damaging. It's not because our delicate little selves don't deserve to have the big ones be nasty to us. It's because in order to find the courage to persevere, a writer needs to feel that it's worth it - that they're worth it - and pointing out where a writer is doing good things is all part of that.

More about it being worth it here: http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2013/03/how-much-are-you-worth.html

You could also be suffering from a bit of what I call Ugly Duckling Syndrome - a bit more about that here: http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2009/04/ugly-ducklings-and-wonky-ducks.html.

A course or other really good feedback gives you a load of new ways to think about writing, new tools to use, new materials to work. But for a while, you're not going to be very good and handling all these new things. If you learnt to drive on a 20 year old Mini, the console of a brand-new BMW 7 series is going to be as much baffling as helpful, and fitting it into the garage or down a London alleyway is a nightmare. When you put your foot down in the Mini it very, very slowly started to speed up. Do that in the BMW and it bashes you in the small of the back and deposits you in Manchester before you can say Speed Limit. But it will come: slowly the stuff you already know about driving and roads and crazed cyclists will integrate with the different hand-eye-mind coordination the new car needs.

Have you come across Ann Lamott's Bird By Bird? The voices that pipe up when you open Word remind me so much of her chattering white mice. All the ways, in other words, that your Inner Critic uses to stop you writing: and your Inner Critic has a whole wardrobe full of clothes to dress up as your Inner Tutor and Inner Workshop...

So, how to circumvent it? How to shut them up?

Lamott's glass jar helps: imagine it in your desk, pick up each chattering mouse, put it in the jar, and put the lid on. You can't hear them now, and so you can get on with whatever you want to get on with.

I used to have an anti-writing demon, whose job was to stop me writing because, yanno, if I finished something and sent it out, I might turn out to fail: it and I might not be Good Enough. And every time he pointed out that I really ought to go and clean the house or look for a proper job instead of temping, or do something to bring my children up into wonderful human beings, I said to him, "Thank you for that information. And now I'm going to write." Other people's anti-writing demons are all about the work - not good enough, will never get anywhere, etc. etc. They're like the sociopath in your class at school: amazingly good at spotting each person's individual armour-chink.

Maybe Word is a bad vibe for you at the moment. (I know people who can't bring themselves to use Track Changes on their work, useful though it often is, because it stinks of the office). Try longhand? Nice notebooks? Scribbling on a tablet? Even just a different programme? You can always save it as a .doc later.

Don't forget that writing a first draft is only one of the kinds of imagining-on-paper which is writing. Try some others? More here: http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2012/10/pantsing-forward-planning-backward.html

Try shorts, not novels? You need soooooo much confidence and energy for novels. Some people find competitions a good way to set themselves a commission, but that might not be right for you. You could try setting yourself a tiny, technical challenge: moving point of view, say, or setting a story in your local café. It's small, it's short, it's just an exercise, there's nothing riding on it. The cost of failure is low, in other words: it's not too risky. And every now and then, just because you weren't trying to Write A Fabulous Story, it turns out to be a fabulous story.

Have you just run out of creative fuel? More thoughts here:

http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2011/07/the-inner-calvinist-and-the-petrol-pump.html

I'll stop now, before this post gets too out of hand. Very best of luck, and cut yourself some slack. It's a horrid place to be in, and you probably need to be kind and forgiving to yourself for a while, till the scars of the course heal over.

Emma

PS - crossed with Catkin. Yes, I can tell you can write too. Part of the trouble might be that your standards of good writing are high. It probably doesn't take much of someone telling you (rightly or wrongly) that you've fallen short, to make you feel thoroughly wobbly.

Edited by EmmaD at 12:34:00 on 24 August 2013

What everyone else said, really. If you're plagued by lack of confidence in your writing - and believe me, I could write the book on that one - then I don't think a permanent solution exists. All you can do is wait until the urge to write is greater than the fear of writing rubbish, and go for it. But don't wait too long!

I really do get the thing that 'real writers' don't write to be published, to be famous, to be called a 'Writer'.

Hmm. I'm not sure I'll ever think I'm a real writer! But I'm happy to admit that I do want to be published, because I want to be read. I want people to pick up one of my books and think, 'Yes, that was a good read. Glad I spent my pennies on that.'

Best of luck with your writing, anyway, and welcome to WW

Why weren't you all on my course?!

You're all smashing. This is all the more meaningful because you all write, so it's not flannel. More a blasting power shower.

Actually, that's just what it feels like - I've been mired in my own sludge and I need to get clean, and get stuck in.


I'll digest your suggestions, and get sticking. The little broken thing in the kitchen mustn't have her way.

Rushed response but heart-felt thanks for the intelligent reassurance.

Not-quite-already taken

:D

Great news.

And this is a great thread for me to come back to when I'm wobbly about my writing.

The little broken thing in the kitchen mustn't have her way.

Her way - as she thinks it - is very understandable. I think it's important to acknowledge that you're a casualty. It's horribly easy, in our culture, to pounce on the first flicker of returning health and say/think, "There you are! It wasn't that bad! On your feet now, and no more fussing."

In the short term, it gets you going again. But in the long-term, it's very depleting of your courage and therefore of your energy for keepin' on truckin'. Writing is horribly personal, and horribly important, and courage takes time to grow back, but it does if you give it a chance.

Ditto everything all those wonderful writeworders have already said, and welcome back to writing.

I do think there's a creative writing teaching bandwagon which does attract some people who don't understand that teaching is about nurturing rather than making people feel crap. (Emma being a notable exception – and I'm sure there are loads of others who do it well.)

Another thought/suggestion is would it be easier to start by critiquing other people's stuff (which you might do via the groups)? If you've done an MA you'll have a lot of knowledge and maybe sharing this will help build your confidence and excitement about doing it your way.

You're all inspirational.

And yes, you're right; I'm sorry to so quickly dismiss the desire for publication/fame. The influence of the thing in the kitchen* - my nerves that you might not take me seriously - but of course, being published is about being heard, which is what we want, most of all.

(And there's nothing sinful about wanting the fame and money, either!)

You are absolutely right that there is a particular type of creative writing teacher who, for reasons it's not my place or desire to explore, takes pleasure in tripping us up. Emma, I didn't know you teach - what a relief you are. Reminds me of another creative writing tutor I met recently, who said they had realised they couldn't tell if someone would 'make it' or not, and it wasn't fair to take that option away from them.

These are our souls they're dealing with, not just our brains. Omitted from the university admissions policies.

Your suggestions to start by offering feedback to others - that's a great idea. Writing is about rejoining the 'writing gang' as well as sequestering ourselves in our bedrooms.

Emma, I've now had the chance to look at your great blog - you had me at the title :-)

I'm glad that my complaint has sparked reassurance for others, too - maybe some of us should bookmark this.

Thanks, everyone. I feel like I'm on the threshold of my old home, scared the locks may have changed, but summoning up the courage to enter. You've given me that vital bit of courage.

*I wish she would do something more useful in my kitchen. Like clean it.

you had me at the title :-)

Good to know - I did think quite hard about what to call it, and it paid off. The post that's currently at the top is a competition by our very own debac, she of the wise words further up.

another creative writing tutor I met recently, who said they had realised they couldn't tell if someone would 'make it' or not, and it wasn't fair to take that option away from them.

Yes, exactly. I get very cross with people who say you can't teach creative writing. Specially when they're cool young literary types who nonetheless get gigs teaching creative writing.

I enjoy replying that I'm not so arrogant as to assume I'm right about the ones I think are hopeless. And since I'm not that arrogant, then I'll be - within the limits of honesty and realism - positive and hopeful about their prospects. They need to feel that it could be worth it, and then they can decide if they want to put in the hours. Some do, some dont', but I'm not going to make that decision for them.

In fact, I got so cross that I had a rant here: http://emmadarwin.typepad.com/thisitchofwriting/2012/12/but-can-you-teach-creative-writing.html

I feel like I'm on the threshold of my old home, scared the locks may have changed, but summoning up the courage to enter

Proves you can write, looking forward to reading your stuff when you're ready.

Edited by Annecdotist at 08:48:00 on 26 August 2013

Thanks, Emma

Thanks Annecdotist and Debac and all, you have done me a power of good.

(a splendid thing about writing forums; you all have intriguing usernames)