Hi all,
I was wondering whether anyone else had experienced this. I got a book deal in June for my first book, a collection of short stories. This is something I've been waiting for for 30 years, pretty much. It's a dream come true. But now that it's happened, I feel stuck. I don't know what to do now. I don't have another project to work on - more short stories? a play? a screenplay? - I am just moping about the house, feeling very depressed and aimless - and guilty because I am so lucky, why aren't I enjoying my success?

Please tell me this is normal and it will pass!

Help!

Tania

It's normal and it WILL pass. Must be particularly difficult when you have a deal for one book rather than two, but I'm sure that the next idea will come to you when you least expect.

I do know what you mean though. My first is not due out until Jan 2009. It's hard to keep writing and keep positive but I guess it's now kind of become a job to be worked at just like any other job.

Huge congrats on the deal, and don't feel bad, it is normal and it will pass (though in my and others' experience it won't altogether pass until it's published.). It's partly because when you've achieved a goal you've been striving for so hard and for so long, what do you do when you've reached it? What's going to shape your life now? And because your work is subject to a whole new kind of scrutiny and exposure - much of it wonderfully detailed and supportive, but still. And some of it's because you're so excited, and yet, in terms of hours in the day there's really very little of anything you can actually do about it - of work to do, and all too much time to fret. It's a bit like being having the house and yourself all tidy and dressed up for a party that isn't due to start for yours: there's nothing to do except hang around and fidget with things and worry.

Yes, it will pass, but being published changes your whole relationship to your writing - I don't think there'd be many writers who didn't feel that. All you can do is go on congratulating yourself, enjoy the ride, hold on tight, and don't forget to admire the new scenery.

Emma

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a party that isn't due to start for hours

Well done on the deal.

Yes, I felt depressed after clinching my first book deal, and recently, when I got my first (and hopefully my last) agent. I think partly, for me, it's because you wait so long and those insecurities become a part of you, almost a routine expectation. You never really believe you'll succeed, the naggig suspicion that it's all just a pipe dream ever present. I suppose when you do, it proves your own doubts & fears wrong, and new things come into play - the shock of 'my God I'm actually doing this', the self analysis over whether you're work is good enough and if you really deserve it, the dread of other people seeing your work.

But hopefully, it does settle down and you just get on with it. Three years ago, my present position was a dream akin to winning the lottery. It takes a little adjustment to realise you're actually living that dream.

JB

I have moments when I feel like this. This week I was so elated to have the publisher accept my second MS and the all of a sudden I’m feeling restless, like I have to get stuck into book 3 but I’m worried about going through the whole process with book 2. I would writing and publishing a book is a bit like being pregnant and having a baby. The long pregnancy is like the writing, the birth like the submissions, the holding a newborn in your hands and feeling ‘wow’ like the book deal and then suddenly you find yourself looking at this wee thing you have created and thinking ‘what the feck do I do now?’. Eventually the newborn stages passes though and you will get a lot of joy from it.

I wasn't depressed about mine, but I did feel it was all a bit of an anti-climax. Sort of, 'Oh, right. So this is what I've been working for all this time, and it hasn't changed my life.' I think perhaps because the whole thing takes so long. It's still nearly seven months til the book is published, and there was a long period of inactivity at the start, where agent and publisher were finalising the contract, etc etc. I've been getting more excited recently, now I've seen the cover. It feels a bit more real.

But I suppose I'll never really let rip and enjoy it, cos I'll always be fretting about the idea that (A) people are reading it, and I don't want it read, I just want it published and (B) People might not buy it. Those two things will never sit comofrtably together, so i just have to accept that I'll never be happy. Never mind.

The thing is - life is like that, isn't it? Nothing EVER matches your expectations. If you remember that then nothing will ever disappoint you. (Sorry if this sounds negative. I don't mean it to be. It's just a truth that people choose to ignore because it doesn't match up with the society we live in nowadays where everything is meant to be FUN and HAPPINESS is the most valued thing in the world.)

Any emotion is transient and if you felt happy all the time then you'd be an idiot, in my opinion!

What's happened to TMOL has exceded my wildest expectations in some ways, but it's true that what it doesn't do is turn you into a different person, or make Everything All Right at last, because you are still the same person, with the same sensitivities and insecurities as you had before...

Emma

No, but it does change something that is undeniable. You have struggled against the general tide of human lassitude and made one of your dreams come true. Not many people can say that, and I wouldn't undervalue it.

JB

I totally agree, JB, in so far as it certainly can be a dream come true and I for one feel extremely lucky at the moment. But I think you also get a realisation that your life isn't really going to change at the core and that book deals aren't a magic cure for depression or other lifelong issues. Once you've accepted all that it's much easier to enjoy the interesting ride and the new opportunities.

Thank you all so much, just hearing from all of you has made me feel better. My book isn't coming out for at least a year, and I haven't started working on it with my editor yet so maybe I am stuck in this "it's not real" phase. But everything you've all said about dreams and achieving them not changing who you are underneath, that is very true. I was surprised when I made the decision to just write fiction full-time a year ago that I started feeling depressed. I had thought that finally making that life-altering step would, I don't know, elevate me. But then it was just me and the blank screen. I'm not sure I've got used to that yet.

Emma - that's a great analogy about the party that isn't due to start yet... you look forward to it, yet you know when it starts it'll go by so quickly. But I will definitely try to "enjoy the ride, hold on tight, and don't forget to admire the new scenery" !

It's lovely to have this group, thanks for sharing.

Tania

Nessie

I think the result is relative. For me, the feeling of getting my act together and producing a published book and several published stories has most assuredly changed my life. The fact that I now have a path in life, where I previously had none, has certainly countered oceans of depression and self-doubt. No, it isn't a cure all, and you're right, it doesn't change my essential nature, but without being overblown about it, it has transformed the entire landscape of my existence, and I am grateful for that on a daily basis. But it's never an end in itself, because it is a journey without an end. I suppose we only get good patches on the way.

JB

I think we're in total agreement JB. It's changed my life in a very positive way too.

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I love your 'we have struggled against the tide of human lassitude' too. That totally sums up the the struggle to get published. Might adopt it as my epitaph....

It is a marvellous feeling, hey? Of course, there's still those horrible days, and writing a book doesn't make you immune to heartbreak, family disputes, bills, illness or death, but it's has at least given me a mast to cling to and for all those things to fly around - rather than being all at sea as I was before.

JB

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Yeah, forgive me my elaborate language today. I've spent most of it writing down the details of a sorcerous war, and adding up three millenia of made up history, so I feel a little weird and need a cup of tea.

Tania - I made that same decison almost exactly a year ago and I was actually quite depressed for a good four months, even though I was having some successes. Like you say - it was just me and a blank screen. I found it difficult to convince myself that I wasn't really writing unless I was staring at said blank screen. It's taken me all this year to relax fully into my new way of life. I've had to remind myself that I'm also writing when I'm sitting and seemingly doing nothing, or going for a walk or reading. I started teaching a creative writing class, which brought me in touch with other people once a week. I also went on an Arvon course which fired me up and inspired some good writing. Before the blues set in again this autumn I'm going to book another. I think you have to write a little 'to do' list every week and tick things off as you achieve them to convince yourself that you're heading in the write direction. The worse thing you can do, in my experience, is to sit around waiting for things to happen. Always have a project on the go at all times. And if there are days you can't write, then accept them and don't fight them. Good luck and I look forward to reading your anthology. As a short story writer myself I'm seriously impressed that you've managed to get a collection published! That's such a rare thing unless you're already a well-published novelist, as I'm sure you know!
jem x