Being fed up, going through 'difficulties,' is a completely different thing to suffering from depression which appears to be irrational on the surface - to the outsider you don't appear to have any discernible problems - I remember wishing all my limbs were broken so that at least there would be something visible. Depression carries with it a hell of a lot of guilt, and yes I fantasized obsessively about killing myself.

The experience was utterly debilitating and terrifying, and I was completely unable to paint [which is what I did in my previous life.] I write because the activity keeps me sane, though I don't think the content of my writing is in itself therapeutic.

Has anyone read, 'The Trick is to Keep Breathing,' by Janice Galloway? It's an incredible account of someone's breakdown.
'The Yellow Wallpaper,' a short story by Charlotte Perkins Gilman I find brilliant too.
Amnesia.
I can't beleive I've said all this.

You have to have emotions and expearances to be able to write, so chill out and use them.
A bottle of wine helps.

Amnesia,
I am lucky enough only to feel fed up. I don't suffer from clinical depression but I have done some research on it when I was studying aromatherapy and how it works on the mind. I was surprised to discover what a terrible debilitating illness it is and can only congratulate anyone who can get themselves out of it. Writing as a form as therapy, or just using it as stream of consciousness writing as you said earlier is a powerful tool and you must write some emotive stuff. The wonderful thing about writing is that you never have to show it to anyone. I know it's not a comparison but when I am feeling low or am going through a difficult time, I write and write and it's only when I look back at the hidden away writing that I see that I have got some great stuff down along with the crap.
Good luck and keep at it!
Sue

Clinical D is a horrible, horrible thing..Those those who can write whilst suffering, must find it helps so much. As I said earlier, whilst deep underneath, I cannot, but whilst resurfacing, and recovering, it works wonders.

And its a shame more cannot share what they've written whilst depressed, since it would be a way, perhaps, of enlightening and informing others. OK, I know no-one wants their ramblings examined by the world, but I hope you know what I mean!

Depression is the curse of millions and really debilitates and destroys, yet it is still often seen as either a neat way of fiddling some sick-leave or, at the other end of the spectrum, as a label which means one is a 'nutter'. I don't shy away from writing about it, or writing about the things that caused it for me, since it seems at least something I can do to enlighten and show I am not ashamed.

x
tc

Sue and Clanger,
You are damn fine people. I'm thinking now, maybe I will try and write about it for people to read. Maybe I will look through my old notebooks - I tend to treat them as if they're radioactive, and I think that says quite a lot about my tendency to compartmentalize it because its painful. Thankyou. Really.
amnesia.


<Added>

Buccaneer, Cheers!

Amnesia,
I would think it a good idea to look back - though do make sure you are feeling fairly contented when you begin, and that you have support around - not a job, I feel, for a 'bad day'...
If you feel you are compartmentalising, and so 'ignoring' the past, I feel that trying to confront it again and perhaps reach some peace / understanding, can only be a good thing. However much I have tried to ignore it, my depression is a part of me, (as it turns out now I have reached the cause, a massive part of me), and it's only by realising that, and trying to reach my own acceptance of it, that I feel I will be able to move on forever.
If nothing else, flicking back may show you how far you have come, and that's always a boost.

And, yes, some of the writing may be toe curling, but I'm sure in there you will find it stands up as a valid means of expression for a very acutely harrrowing time, and I would be very surprised if you feel there's nothing you could develop into something valuable now.
As I often remind myself, it was a time when I explored the depths of my emotions and 'being'. Many never go there, never know what resources they have and what depth they have..are they the lucky ones? !
Maybe, but I know I have the capacity to feel great things, to tackle great obstacles and to overcome them - I can never feel it was entirely a journey to be regretted, ashamed of...
Best wishes
x
tc

No, Indeed. Never regret.

Amnesia x

Just wanted to say how excellent it is to read people talking so positively about this... good on you guys. And thank you.

It's something that really isn't talked about enough... So, Amnesia, if you're ready and willing then that would be an incredible journey to make, and the results of it would be a real eye-opener for a lot of people.

One thing that I can never come to terms with is the way each person who suffers from Clinical Depression and/or breakdown feels so alone. There always seems to be a gulf between your understanding of the world, and experience of it , and everybody else's... so finding a way to express something that can be shared between fellow sufferers would be a huge leap forward...

Our brain chemicals work in the wierdest ways. For me, sometimes listening to the most maudlin song imaginable would actually make me feels more positive, whereas a cheery upbeat number could have me in floods...

I can't write in the depths either, but when I'm not as low I find that kind of experience gives me a new outlook on the mood and settigs of pieces... You can write a seemingly happy piece with a huge underlying nostalgia when it's read in context, or an incredibly sad scene that actually becomes a liberating moment... and I do think you're more aware of emotional undercurrents and the strange ways in which they operate... If that makes any sense at all...

Going back to that discussion about acting and writing - for me there's a very strong link, but that might just be a personal thing. There's all kinds of methods and theories behind what you should/shouldn't bring to performance space, but if you're taking the perspective of methodist acting (Stanislavsky), then a huge part of any characterisation (written or visual) is to interpret personal experience, and to bring your own personality, reactions, sensations etc... to different situations. And to challenge them, to ask what would happen if you believed "x" instead of "y"... It can be hugely therapeutic, but it can be a big mind-bender as well...

There are exercises you can do to "get into character", to be able to convert the mood that you're in to the mood required for performance or writing... For me that's really important, and it means that you can bring so much more to a piece. You can experience several emotions at once, for example, and bring some real texture to the stuff you're writing. And you can reserve distance, objectivity... Work from several angles at the same time...

Sorry, writing a mini essay now. If anyone's interested in that kind of technique, have a look at something like "An Actor Prepares", and keep an eye out for "In the Actors' Studio" interviews... the performers they invite almost always say interesting stuff that can be applied to any field of creativity with some really interesting results...

All the best

Huggs

Ralph

I've found this forum so liberating. Like coming out. And I feel I'm going to reap the benefits - I hope we all are.

About the method acting. I've often thought about writing in those terms myself - that you have to get into a character like a method actor - not that I know anything but the basic idea behind it. I'm going to search out those books. Excellent. Thankyou so much.

I wrote a piece yesterday inspired by this forum. I'm going to leave it for a while and then have another look at it before I upload it.

Amnesia.
x
I've had no sleep but I feel inspired. How about an insomniacs forum! My legacy from the breakdown.

Wonderful idea! I rarely get a good night's sleep but have had some great ideas while lying in bed awake! Trouble is remembering what they are the next day. I know I should write them down there and then but am always too bad tempered about not sleeping to do it!
Sue

I always have a notebook by the bed and a torch.

Amnesia.
Gotta dash schoolrun.

Me too! (school run not torch)
Sue

Hi,

Right now I am depressed. I have just come back from a super week in Yorkshire. I needed to get away but what happens? I walked right back into the problems again. I was so interested in the letters written here that I may even print them all out and try to learn something. My problem is that I get wound up over minor things going wrong, all of a sudden I can't handle it any longer.

When I was working full time, I am a consultant now, I used to revel in solving problems. I dealt with a hundred staff under my direct control with costs running into millions of pounds.

Now I get so wound up it's causing a problem with my wife of 50 years who is quite rightly fed up with my ramblings, short temper and irrational attitude.

Sorry, my friends, I should not bore you all with all this rubbish, but thanks for an insight into your emotions.

BTW Is there a cure?

regards
Tez

When I was doing some research into depression, someone recommended "Malignant Sadness" by Lewis Wolpert. He is in the medical profession and also suffers from depression himself and I found the book extremely interesting.
Sue

Tez,
I guess you first step should be to try and determine whether you are actually suffering from Depression, (the medical condition), or if your problems can be attributed to something else..
Poepl have listed book here which may help. I hesitate to recommend stuff on the net, but this from MIND should be OK, and it gives a list of symptoms which would help you see if this is what you feel:
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+depression.htm

I hope it helps. And if it does seem like you, then get help. Because it doesn't have to last forever, it can be cured!

x
tc