Hi,
I've redrafted the first chapter of my novel Justified based on comments I've had here. Was hoping someone might take a look and tell me if it reads better?

Sazzy

<Added>

sorry, here's the link:
http://www.writewords.org.uk/archive/12802.asp

Bravo! - did you change much from the original?

S.M.

I was told not enough happened in the first chapter of the original, and I spent too much time telling rather than showing, so I played with the language and spiced it up a little. Thanks for reading, I'm really glad you liked it.
Saz