Thanks, Dav, but this is the third draft and each draft was reworked many, many times. It's only sensible to ask if I'm banging my head against a brick wall. One thing I share with HC is the need to earn a living, as my bank manager keeps reminding me...

Ok, would you like me to supersize that?

Adele.

In a terrible example of the far worse things that happen in the world than Helen's plight, or this book being sent to the shredder, the husband of one of my friends has just been sentenced to prison in Italy for something I'm sure he did not do. They had their first child last autumn. That really puts things in perspective.

Adele.

Ok, I've taken this off the site whilst I think about what to do with it. Shred, edit, burn, put in a bottle and float in the sea - who knows?

Many thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

Adele.

This always happens to me! I print off work, read it and by the time I get to posting my comments, the work's been taken down! Luckily for me, in this instance, there's a handy forum post where I can put my comments. So, Adele, I'm going write my crit page-by-page as I always would (and I haven't read any of your previous drafts, by the way)....

'The woman's dark, shoulder-length hair...' It feels like there's too much crammed into this sentence to me.

It's great the way you manage to say loads through a few small and precise details, e.g. the way 'quick to blow-dry at 5am' tells us a lot about this woman's lifestyle and job, as well as her appearance and personality.

'She remembered his claim on the telephone....' It might be just me, but I found this a little unclear at first.

I wasn't sure if Helen's italicised thoughts were necessary. I think you've subtly managed get her viewpoint across well enough already - we can pretty much infer those thoughts.

Some of the imagery you use when describing characters is interesting, e.g Rachel being like 'Snow White' and Susan a 'schoolgirl'. Both a million miles away from our image of tough city women. Deliberate?

There's a lot of characters, which can also get a little confusing. Having said that, it's pretty unavoidable given the situation and you do use brief distinctive descriptions, which is the best anyone can do with a lot of characters!

Overall, this is really well written and the sexism topic is one that interests me. Is it something you've had some first hand experience of? I was imagining so by the preciseness of a lot of the descriptions, down to street names. Part of me wasn't won over due to not being a fan of the whole City environment and culture. But when I reached the end I was surprised by how much I wanted to know what happened next!

OK, I've just gone back and read some of the other comments on here. I think the publishing woman's comments about Helen not being likeable were very much a subjective opinion more than an expert one, I really do. From what I know about Helen so far, she seems like perhaps a bit of an ice maiden and not someone I immediately warmed to - but again, that could have a lot to do with my feelings towards City culture (which is, at the end of the day, personal taste). Like I said, I still really wanted to read on. I also instinctively feel that as the story progresses, the complexities of both Helen's character and the City world will become more apparent. This, I think would overcome any ambivalence I felt towards her. Does that make sense?

Anyway, for every reader that doesn't immediately warm to Helen, there will be a Dav who'd like to snog her face off, or a City woman reading on the tube who'll really be rooting for her. And the former will read on, anyway.

So don't shred!!

Cath

Hi Adele, sorry to have missed all this. I have just spent two days at East Midlands Airport - don't ask!

Sorry I missed most of this. All I would say is, don't get mad, get writing!

New opening? I loved it.

Bill

<Added>

I seemed to have repeated myself there. The air is very thin in the east, I need some invigorating Lancashire air ;)

Cath, many thanks for reading and for your detailed and thoughtful comments, I'll put them in the file. You've been very encouraging, but I still have a niggling feeling that I've been wasting my time. We'll see.

Bill, I hope it wasn't a Yorkshire customs officer giving you the old rubber glove treatment

Goodnight,

Adele

Adele, that's just that 'not good enough' voice that we all have. Just tell it to fack right off - or better still draw a pic of the voice, then burn it, shred it, or put it in a bottle and float it out to see (or the most sewer-ish part of the Thames'll do). Or put a rubber glove on and slap it about a bit....

<Added>

*sea. I'm tired....

Thanks for the tip, Cath. I like to write negative things down and burn them. That's why I'm in the pyromaniacs' club with Mr Skyflier. At the moment I feel like putting myself in a bottle and floating away somewhere warm and peaceful...

Sweet dreams.

Adele.

Warmth and peace sounds good. I'm about to book myself a week in a remote Spanish village at the end of August. I have actually decided to be a hermit for 2 months and finish my novel and that's my reward at the end!

You know pyromaniacs club is really a nightclub that plays stomping drum n' bass, don't you? That Davster, tries to lure all the women in with his b-lines. It'll be Helen shocking out and grinding her booty next....

I've read and commented on the new version Adele.

JB

Waxy, I'm extremely impressed by your Satanic powers. How did you manage that? It's meant to be set for my eyes only. Thanks all the same, though. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Cath, to answer your question about my own experiences, I quietly settled a case out of court a few years ago. I didn't fancy having people try and shred my reputation in public and was worried that I'd be put on the City blacklist. However, given my subsequent experiences, I suspect the latter happened anyway.

Thanks again guys. I'm off to think about my next move.

Adele.

Adele, my dear, much as I'd like to confess my prowess at psychic code breaking, as governed by the third law of Hell (section iii. paragraph 2a - under Thou Shalt Eternally Party) I cannot.

This time, the reason was entirely human. The link in your original comment on page 1, still allows us fiendish ones a breach into your universe.

JB

Ah, I hadn't realised that the door wasn't shut. I should obviously read The Art of War myself, instead of the version I have, which is he Art of War for executives. However, having read The Alchemist, perhaps I should take that as a sign that the door is meant to be open after all.

See you later, alligator.

Adele.

Come on Adele - that is no way to talk, or think.

I know my encouragement may seem over the top and shallow, and, you know, maybe it is, but you're the one who is banging on about perspective, so what are you saying, that you're gonna change your perspective to just thinking fuck it, this isn't good enough?

Where would we be if everyone just did that? So many things would be unfinished, so many lives would be a little worse off. I'm not having a go, I just can't stand to hear someone I know, and, despite never having actually met, care about getting on a right downer when they are close to acheiving something unique and great.

Mate, you HAVE to pick yourself up and shake yourself out of this kind of thinkin. I'm getting sick of telling people (and belive me, I'm not just talking about you) they can do this, or that, if they just keep the faith, just calm down, have a fag, think about it, but don't ever, ever, ever, ever give up, and I'm SURE you are getting sick of hearing me go on like this, but I will never stop doing it, coz it's all too easy to think "fuck it".

Believe me, I've done it several times, to differing levels of my own detriment. FUCK knows where I'd be now if I hadn't thought like that at important, pivotal moments in my life which at the time seemed trivial. So you're on your 3rd draft? Big deal, hang on, here's a big shiny medal, now if its not working go get to work on the 4th! Regrets are something I try not to think about, coz I would have so many I could write a book on it. So long as I never gave up.

I KNOW this sounds stupid, patronising bullshit, and you're probably thinkin what a mouthy little twat this geezer is, but Adele my girl you need to be shaken by the scruff of your classy City type lapels until your eyes light up and you utter the immortal line "EUREKA", run off down the hallway, scurrying through your notes and start scribbling like a mad woman.

If this puts you off me, if you think what a cock sucker, I'm sorry, but what's more important, that you like me, or that you get your work finished, and out there, THEN you can forget about it and start working on the next one.

You will never work at Maccy D's, don't worry. I'm sure you'd look great in that slinky uniform with the lovely hats, and have 5 golden stars on your chest before one could say Filet O Fish, but that's too bad, coz you are a writer and you are gonna finish Helen's story. If you need to earn a living, then go get a part time job in Bob's Cafe down the road or sommik. Suffer for your art, don't sack it off.

I know this sounds crap, patronising, etc, but you gotta believe me when I say it is working, stick with it and DON'T GIVE UP.

Failing that, if you're really desperate, give me a call and we can start a Batman style viglante team. Bagsy having the bullet proof stuff and the cloak that flies.

Ooooh cool. Can I be Robin. I must admit I've always had a thing about green tights...

Yes, Davy is absolutely right, of course. I am now on my 6th draft of my novel, the one that has a deal. I'm sick of it. Once I've done the last three chapters, I intend to take a long sabbatical from it. But all the same, if my publisher and friends hadn't continally batted on at me to make it better, faster, stronger, it wouldn't be nowhere near as good as what other people are saying it is.

Personally, I hate the damn thing, but there you go.

JB