I've had these first two chapters of my novel posted for a while. The comments I've had thus far are good, but they are from only one person. Is there any chance you could take a look? I'm over-confident in my writing, and need someone to tell me how bad it really is. If there really is such a person out there, make sure you don't look at the comments already posted, as they give something important away. Thanks.

Dualta

The page is:

http://www.writewords.org.uk/archive/8645.asp

I had a quick look at your first couple of paragraphs. It isn't possible to say exactly where I think you might improve things, but your style could be a lot more dramatic. Not that I would claim any great improvement but just as an excercise I re-wrote your opening lines to contrast and compare - see what you think and if it offers an alternative approach.

CB Barrie

A millenium since, the vast dunes of the desert felt the wandering footsteps of a small girl. As the twilight darkened, slipping in to night, the breeze brushed her hair and made it dance. As she stared at the moon her deep brown eyes caught the soft illumination of the silver- yellow light casting her shadow over the sand and glistening off her dark skin.
She looked down at the sand, watching as the surface flowed and tumbled over itself, as children would when they ebbed and flowed in their games.
The girl -