Hi,

I'm new to the forum and this is my first post.

I've spent the last three months developing a children's book aimed at four to eight year old's. A good old children's bedtime story about a young boy who finds a monster in his bath tub and the chaos that ensues.

So far i've developed the first twelve pages (fully illustrated) of a total of twentyfour and constructed a website to promote it to prospective publishers and agents.

I'd love some professional feedback on this.... It's a big deal for me and all my eggs are in this basket!

Thank you for taking a look

The address is... www.tjrossin.com/monster.html

Tris

Hi Tris, and welcome to Writewords.

If you have any questions about the site just ask.

There is a Young Children's forum which you might consider joining and uploading the text of your story for feedback.

The pictures look very professional.

All the best with the project.


- NaomiM

Hi Tris, I've sent you a WWmail but in case you don't see it, I'll repeat the gist of it, here.
If you want to see replies to a post in the Group Forums, you need to apply to join that group. I see you've posted your questions in the Childrens Fiction group. Since your work is a Picture Book, it would be best if you joined the Young Childrens Group and posted the text of your story there for feedback.
Here's the link to the group:

http://www.writewords.org.uk/groups/105.asp



- NaomiM

Thanks very much for your help Naomi.

Tris

Hi Tris,

The illustrations are fantastic!

One small point in Verse 8, to check the spelling of despair.

pt

Thanks pt,

Changes made

Tris

Hi Tris,

Welcome to WW. I had a quick look and was bowled over by the illustrations - wonderful. I would be very happy to look more closely at the story and text with a "critical hat" on. Likely to be a few days,as it takes a while, if you can bear with me.


All the best

Issy

Hi, I like the illustrations but I think the text needs work - you have a misplaced apostrophe in 'pirouette's' and on the whole I think the writing needs to be really tight. Otherwise you risk having the book turned down although publishers may like the illustrations.

Tris, Just to say, I haven't forgotten, I am still mulling it over.

I'm trying to think of a picture book story where the parent is frightened, and nothing is coming to mind. There's Cat in the Hat where the children must get everything tidy before he parents get home; Not now Bernard where the parents ignore the child saying there's a monster about; There's the one where the boy takes a bath with a tiger....
It doesn't necessarily mean there aren't books out there where the parent is frightened, but usually the parent is there as a reassuring presence, or ignores the mayhem, which might mean it is a storyline which the publishers are not keen on. In which case you will need to change the fightened mother character into one who doesn't see what is going on around her; where only the child can see the monster.


- NaomiM

<Added>

I have to be honest and say, as a mother, it is not a story I would be keen on, but I can see it would have appeal to the children. Unfortunately for the children, it's usually the mothers who buy their books.

This may be stuff which all you picture book writers know already, but I thought this post by Editorial Anonymous was very interesting, about the layers of elements which even the most frivolous story needs:

http://editorialanonymous.blogspot.com/2008/11/let-frivolity-commence-and-then-stop.html

And this made me laugh:

Adults have small, obedient wallets that live in their bags and come out whenever the adult wants. Children have large, judgmental wallets shaped like parents.

Emma

Yes, layers is a very important point - and probably what I was reading into the 'frightened mother' character.
Parents want their children to think they can cope with anything.
Children like to laugh at parents being silly.
If the child character is the one being very brave, then the mother is taking the place of the scared child and the child can see it is silly to be frightened of monsters and will laugh at the parent, and take on the role of parent to reassure them.
If both parent and child are shown being frightened, then this is a scary book, and the author risks losing part of their potential readership - which may put off a publisher.

- NaomiM

<Added>

- there is an awful lot a receptive child can read into a parent who is shown being scared, which is why Picture Book stories usually show the parent as reassuring, absent, disinterested, or unbelieving.

<Added>

However, I've just found a PB where the whole family is shown being scared:
Michael Rosen's We're Going On A Bear Hunt

Thanks for all the feedback and the help with reviewing the story. Another pitfall at the moment is that the original is in rhyme which limits the target audience to english language countries only. I guess the idea is to stress the strength of the main character Conner and not to dwell on the mothers actions of running away. Connor deals with the monster and takes control of the situation at the end of the story. The mother has been deliberately drawn to incorporate comical fear (i think the image of her running away in hysterics pictures that quite nicely). You also have to bare in mind other books which are quite gruesome. Most classics, even Peter rabbit starts with the knowledge that father rabbit's stuck in a pie! Rauld Dahl's revolting rhymes, Matilda! She's about the only stable character in the book! It's very impotant to empower children in these stories and it's easy to drop into the "I wonder if this is a socially acceptable way to portray an adult". This is a story where the boy ends up the hero. It's been done many times before in one context or another.

I think the story does need work, taking it out of rhyme completely would be an improvement. But I feel the general overview of the story is quite strong. I'm sure children would love the empowerment in a story of "don't worry mum, I know your frightened and i'm the big brave boy/girl to deal with this".

Just my thoughts and why it's been done this way so far.

Thanks again for all your input

Tris

"don't worry mum, I know your frightened and i'm the big brave boy/girl to deal with this".

That's fine. In which case you might consider changing the text in a couple of places:
But Connor thinks he's trouble
to: But mother thinks he's trouble.

And
What a mess poor Connor cries
to: What a mess [a gleeful] Connor cries.

- Connor's having fun while mum is being silly.

BTW, what is the monster? Is it dirt and mess? Is Connor's mother trying to keep things too clean and tidy?


- NaomiM


<Added>

Most classics, even Peter rabbit starts with the knowledge that father rabbit's stuck in a pie! Rauld Dahl's revolting rhymes, Matilda!

It is important to know your market - which is the large format picture book one, for 4-5yr olds. Classics like Beatrix Potter, and those for older children like Dahl's Matilda are not comparable.

I Naomi, Not sure I follow the question? There's a link to the illustrations above. The monster's just that! He's not a metaphor for anything. Just a big purple monster.

<Added>

http://www.tjrossin.com/monster.html