Dear Major
How wonderful to know that you have the time to read my blog, whilst the rest of our brave boys risk life and limb in Iraq and Afghanistan.
As a military man you are obviously a stickler for detail, such as adhering rigidly to the cocktail hour, and so my civvy blog may not be up to your very high, if not double, standards.
However just for you, I have in fact eaten 142,000 eggs since 1918,only ever stopping during the rationing years when we made our own eggs out of Vera Lynne records.
There is only one boy band of note - The Wurzels.I consider their Combine Harvester years to be the best.
I'm due to upload photographs of all my cats and dogs very shortly.Unfortunately,I have no friends, but I will ask my Probation Officer if I can take a snap of him tomorrow.
As for love - well let's leave that touchy subject to the French shall we.
And now a question for you - Do you think I could use the fact that I don't exist as a tax loop hole?

Dear Overeggsited,

I remember young Adge well. He and his faux farming cohorts played a concert once at our cadet college. They had cheeks (of both varieties) the size of mutant tomatoes but speakers only the size of postage stamps. So, "Oive gotta brand new combine harvester," sounded more like , "Oo-ah, oo-ah, oo-ah," although now I come to think about it Adge was in fact going "Oo-ah" to any comely filly in the audience, and I'm not necessarily speaking metaphorically. That man could leer with a straw in the side of his mouth at anything in a dress or stirrups for Team Britain.

To answer your question, I advise you to write to the Inland Revenue immediately to inform them that you don't exist and give them your non-existent address so they can check your non-existent records and present you with a non-existent fine for all the non-existent work you've done without declaring since 1972.

According to an ammendment in the Mental Health Discrimination Act, imaginary friends have equal status in our multicultural society, and are therefor eligible for taxation. This includes non existent entities, radio stations that play in your teeth and the voice of the Devil.

Dear Terry
How refreshing to know that in this rapidly changing world, musical tastes have not degenerated like the ever diminishing size of the Wagon Wheel biscuit.Afer all, real talent never dies,it merely ends up on reality TV.Let me leave that spiritual thought with you.
As for your tax advice, as soon as I manage to locate my accountant, Mr S.Pimpernel,I'll pass it on.

Dear Colin
Your depth of knowledge concerning the Mental Health Act scares me slightly. However,if you have Chris Moyles constantly transmitting from your molars,I can only jump to the conclusion that that is enough to drive anyone mad.

I'm sorry, but the idea of Chris Moyles in my mouth is too much to bear. I'm leaving England tonight.

Dear Colin
If you by chance end up in France,would you tell Mr S.Pimpernel that I'm seeking him here,there and everywhere. You'll find him lurking mysteriously by the guillotine, which is just past le Co-Op and around the corner from the Bastille.

Dear Everyone
Thanks for your support so far.I'm almost up to the 30,000 hits mark, with just over 50% reading all of the blogs.I know that over 200 have tuned in from this site, so even more gratitude to you. One fine day we shall all get drunk together - weather permitting.

Hi Kal

I really loved this - and I'd trawled all the freebie sites to find it! Had to grab a cup of mint-infused tea then realised I needed something a lot stronger - a long Gin & Slimline Tonic did the trick!

James

Hi James
You have to admit,it doesn't get much better than a long soak in bath tub gin.I do it all the time, which is why I can't remember where I live.
50,300 hits as of today,which is brilliant for little old me.Cheers to you and everyone that's tuned in so far.Head says have a snifter to celebrate - liver says it wants a divorce.

Oh gawd, I thought you were a bloke. But unless you're using a fake photo, you're obviously not. Sorry.

Hi Vanessa
That's hilarious.Funnily enough I write women's fiction,but men seem to really enjoy my stuff aswell.How mental is that!Maybe I'm a new genre yet to be discovered.Keep tuning in and dropping out.

p.s. It's amazing what you can do with a bit of Veet and a tube of Max Factor these days.

Not to mention a tub of Baby Bottom Butter....

Ooooh Matron!

To all the strugglers,fighters and deterministo's

Just want to say thanks for supporting the blog - over 73,000 hits now and still lots of visits from WW members.If I can help by adding your link to the site - let me know. Nothing racy now, as my mum reads it.

And don't give up. I nearly did (several times a week) but before I nearly did it, something mad happened and I'll finally have my first book out next year. Nothing happens overnight (except for that spot on your chin that always appears from nowhere)so stick at it.

Have a tattyfilarious Christmas and bongo New Year!