This is just something I jotted down, I dont plan to do anything with this short piece, and it will probably be deleted, although I would like some reviews and opinions on my writing style. This is my first time posting any of my writing online, so here goes..

"He ought'a be scratched every day," grandmother suggests as she sits on the bathroom floor, scratching our fat cat Cedar. Cedar is a rather.. agressive cat. Deranged, for lack of a better word. "Otherwise, his fur will begin to build clumps," she mutters, "and that's a liability - for me. Not for you, you dont have to deal with this stuff." I paid minimal attention. Upon my retreat to my room, I heard an angry shout emerge from the bathroom, of course that of my grandmothers. "Piece of shit!"
I already assumed what had occured. No doubt, after having been scratched long enough, irritable Cedar's fundamental characteristics took hold, causing him to bite and scratch, and then bite again, only to take off down the hall like a crazed maniac. For this was not the first occasion on which we felt a taste of Cedar's strange, sometimes ludicrous behavior, and certainly would not be the last. Never did get mad at the little monster, although it seems I should have. He seemed so innocent in my eyes, and so I never blamed him for any vice he may have commited, insane as it may seem.
My lazy nature told me to pretend I heard nothing and keep moving. Nevertheless, my curiousity as to what had exactly occured led me back to my grandmother's room, where she sat, angrily applying a bandade to the fresh wound on her right arm. "The scoundrel pierced through the skin! Can you believe it? Those damned teeth of his bit straight through! Apparently I scratched him wrong." This struck me as somewhat hilarious at the moment, and I made no attempt to hold back my laughter. "It's great to see that you find the sight of blood amusing."


Thanks in advance to those who comment

Hi Intellect, and congratulations on posting your first piece of work, a necessary evil to be sure and something we all have to go through, it's the only way to improve

Anyway, first and foremost, I love the grandmother's dialogue

The main change I would suggest, is to make the grandchild's responses to the grandmother's words, simpler. I'm not sure if it would be termed alliteration, or over-written, I think they are the same thing, and I am guilty of it myself.
For example: I paid minimal attention. Upon my retreat to my room,
A simpler version: eg. I ignored her and left the room.

A minor point:
Have the courage of your convictions, so delete 'may have' in may have commited

I hope my reply has not put you off posting again.
Good luck with the writing,

NaomiM

Hello! Welcome here!

This is a lovely little story all rolled up in "just a paragraph"! Anyone who has ever had cats would relate to this and to the fickle and independent nature of these little critters. Grandma may think she knows better but grandchild knows Cedar all too well. You have managed to convey a convincing grandmother/grandchild relationship here. And a wonderful cat to boot.

Grandma's dialogue is wonderful and gives her character depth.

What I would suggest is you perhaps slip in a sentence as to how old the grandchild is. And another about what s/he is feeling - what is going on in his or her head as this drama unfolds. From this paragraph, the grandchild sounds very grown up and mature. He or she is a silent observer and so feels detached. We are watching and are more concerned about the cat and the grandmother. Depending on how old the narrator is, perhaps a little dialogue to flesh her out too?

These are just my opinions so please feel free to discard them if they are of no help whatsoever!

All the best with this and hope to see you around the forums etc.

Jen
x

And another about what s/he is feeling - what is going on in his or her head as this drama unfolds.. He or she is a silent observer and so feels detached

Jen, if you mean the grandchild, I think there is plenty we are told about what they are thinking and feeling, perhaps too much. As I said before, Intellect, make it simpler and the meaning will be clearer.

And as you can see, even reviewers can disagree

Check out the critiquing thread we had in the Lounge recently. There was some interesting stuff in there.
http://www.writewords.org.uk/forum/51_115859.asp

- NaomiM

Hi NMOtt,

Yes, I did follow that thread when it was raging away in the forum. Very interesting and very enlightening. It was a shame it sort of stopped.

And Intellect, I would listen to Naomi first and foremost and not what I wrote, seriously. She is right. Keep it simple, concise and clear.

Me, I'm just nosey and always want to know what goes on in people's heads to the detriment of the writing!

Take care
Jen
x

Lol! Jen
Yes it is a shame it stopped. Maybe we should resurrect it in a month or so's time and see if it gets the same response - or even have a thread asking if anyone has changed the way they crit since the last discussion.

- NaomiM

Hi,

This piece does have a few basic gramatical errors (not in the speech, they are fine), though they're very minor and easily dealt with. Overall, it has a really nice feel about it....it's warm & comforting - it conjours pictures of a bygone age, maybe Victorian. Was that the intention? - and producing that sort of 'feel' is NOT easy. Your intro indicates that this is an early attempt at writing; if that's so, it's extremely promising. So persevere. You've got something.

Good luck with your writing.

Roger? Is that you? The Roger of string-knicker fame?

Dee

LOL....hi, Dee - I dreaded no-one remembering me (or my string knickers), so thank you! I've had a pretty long period of health problems, hence the absense, but finally regaining a bit of interest in life in general and writing in particular.

Have you found that publisher yet?

ps - (cheeky grovel alert) I've uploaded something and if someone skilled & clever LIKE YOU were to have a look, I'd be made up!!!!