Dee, This looks better on a WORD documnet because I have highlited cerat parts and input comments in Red which helps the reasder considerably. I can do that on here but if you don't mind giving me you email address i can send it to in full as an attachment. Your choice.

Kind regards
Tez

I have re-written the first para!

Those three words hit Philly’s panic button. She barged past Emma, her eyes sweeping the room. It was hot and stuffy despite the open windows. The breakfast that Emma had sent up in the morning still stood untouched on the table. Lewis lay sprawled face down across the bed, one arm pillowing his head. Philly rushed to him. Grabbed his shoulder. Shook him.

“Lewis, Lewis,” she shouted, “can you hear me?”

His shirt was damp with sweat and his breath came in short, harsh rasps. He stirred sluggishly and rolled over.

“Philly, what are you doing here?”

“Well, I came to have dinner with you but it looks like that’s off now.”

“What?” ‘Why?’ I would think is better here

Emma came to stand at the other side of his bed, one hand on her heart. “For a minute there, I thought he was dead. What on earth’s the matter with him?”

Lewis sighed as Philly laid the back of her hand on his forehead.

“I think he’s ill. He’s burning up. We should call the doctor.”

“I’ll have to go down to the office to check the number. Will you be OK here?”

999 would fetch an ambulance for so many worried people

“Yes, of course.”

Emma went out, leaving Philly alone with Lewis.

“What time is it?” he whispered.

“It’s seven o’clock.”

He stared at her as if her words held no meaning for him. She spotted a bottle of mineral water on the desk and poured him a glass. He drank it and sank back into the pillows as if the effort had cost him all his strength. After a few minutes he stirred again.

“It can’t be seven. Seven in the evening? That means I’ve been asleep all day. What the hell’s the matter with me?”

“I think you’ve got flu. Emma’s gone downstairs to call the doctor so we’ll soon know.”

She watched him anxiously as she spoke. His lack of response - the simple fact that he didn’t tell her to stop making a fuss, that he didn’t need a doctor - told her that he did, indeed, need a doctor.

She tried to straighten his the duvet but he lay on top of it like a dead weight and drifted back to sleep. The doctor who arrived almost an hour later was a locum who neither Philly nor Emma had seen before. They waited in the office until he came down and confirmed the diagnosis.

“It’s flu all right. Pretty vicious too.”

“He told me the other day that he’s never ill.”

“It’s sod’s law. When people like that do become ill, it fells them like a poleaxed "pole-axed" bull. But don’t worry. A few days in bed and aspirin for the aches and pains and he’ll be fine. I don’t know what arrangements you have for a sick guest but…”

“He’s not a guest,” Emma interrupted him. “He’s the new owner.”

“Well, whatever.”

She still wasn’t convinced. “Don’t you think he should be in hospital?”

“No need for that. I know he looks ropy but, I promise you, in a couple of days he’ll be asking you what you’ve been making such a fuss about.” The doctor edged towards the door. “Does he live here?” I really do not think a doctor would address a patients friend with such free language
“No,” Philly answered. “He lives in Leeds but his family are in the Isle of Man.”

“Well he won’t feel like travelling back there in this condition and there’s probably no need to drag someone over for the sake of a few days. I suppose I’d better go and have another word with him.”

He came back after a few minutes. “He’s asked for his wife to be sent for.”

“His wife?” they said in unison.

“Yes. I assume you’ve got a contact number. All he told me was that her name is Philly.”

“Philly!” they squawked, like some bizarre duet.

“That’s right.”

“Hang on a minute.” Philly’s throat had suddenly gone dry. “What, exactly, did he say?”

“I don’t know. I said did he want you to call a relative or someone and he said he wanted Philly.”

“Well I’m Philly but I’m not his wife and I don’t know anything about nursing someone.” delete

The doctor was trying to get away. “He doesn’t need nursing. Just someone to keep an eye on him. If you can keep him cool it’ll help to bring his temperature down and he’ll recover more quickly. And it’s important that he drinks plenty of water. That’s all.” He shrugged. “Look, I’m only passing on the request. If you don’t want to do it we’ll have to think of an alternative. He told me he’s in BUPA so I could arrange for someone to come in, but not until tomorrow.”

“No. I didn’t say I wouldn’t do it. What exactly do I have to do?”

The doctor gave her a long hard look. “Just check on him every so often, keep him comfortable, see if he needs anything. That’s all.”

“How would I keep him cool?”

“Well, a cool shower is one of the best ways – especially in this weather - but if he feels dizzy it might be better to just wipe him down with a cold flannel. Wouldn’t want him passing out on the bathroom floor, would we.”

Wipe him down? With a cold flannel… Wipe!

She could do that. Or she could let someone else have the pleasure.

“OK I’ll do it. But I need to change first.”

*****

Philly hurried back home as fast as she could, given the height of her stilettos, and changed into jeans, a top and trainers. She dashed out of the front door and then went straight back in, dithering in the hall over whether to take a jumper in case it turned chilly later, excitement squeaking out of her like steam from a leaky valve. She was going to spend the night looking after Lewis. See his body.

Wipe it down!

She grabbed a baggy wool cardigan off the coat rack and sprinted back to the hotel. Emma met her in Reception.

“Tom’s plated up some food for you.” ‘Tom’s prepared some food for you.’

In the kitchen Tom handed her a laden tray. “Sandwiches, a flask of soup and sticky toffee pudding with crème fraiche. There’s plenty of bottled water upstairs. If you need anything else, just ask. OK?”

“Thanks, Tom. This’ll be fine.”

He stopped her as she turned to leave. “Emma told me about Lewis’s wife. Are you sure you’re up to this?”

“I can’t deny it was a blow but, yes, I can do this. Don’t worry Tom, I’m OK.”

She carried the tray up to Lewis’s room, put it on the table, and stood by his bed. He lay on his side, hot and uncomfortable, his breath sighing between parted lips, dark eyelashes lying against his cheeks, tiny little lines fanning away from the corners of his eyes, just asking to be kissed.

“OK, Lewis,” she whispered. “Just remember this was your idea.”

He stirred and rolled onto his back, muttering something she couldn’t hear. His face was beaded with sweat and he needed a shave. One of his hands scratched restlessly at his chest. It was no wonder he was uncomfortable; he was still wearing the same chinos and shirt he’d had on that morning, and had presumably worn all day yesterday. She leaned down close to his ear.

“Come on, Lewis. Let’s get you out of these clothes.”

His eyes half opened and he gave her the ghost of a smile. “After all this time you have to hit on me when I’m ill.”

“It’s nice to see you’ve still got your sense of humour, but you know that isn’t what I meant.” She plucked at his shirt. “How long have you been wearing this?”

“God knows. I don’t even know what day it is.”

“It’s still Sunday, but only just. Where were you yesterday that it took you so long to get here?”
‘It took you a long time to get here, where on earth were you yesterday’
He had to think for a while. “Devon.”

“Devon! You drove up from Devon in this condition. Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m crazy. I wanted to get back here.” He half sat up and pulled the shirt off over his head before collapsing onto the pillows with a gasp. “I need a shower but I don’t have the energy.”

“Would you like me to help?”

He was giving her a heavy look when he fell asleep again. But he hadn’t said no. Had he?

She stood over him for a while, enjoying the sight of him. He had the sort of body she would like to be familiar with. To know intimately the shape and the size and the hardness of it. To close her eyes and feel it and know it by touch. The light covering of hair on his chest naturally led her eyes down to the waistband of his chinos. She realised she was licking her lips. That slow burn he had ignited in her - when? Be honest, the first time he had stepped out of his car in her courtyard - was building rapidly.

She got a flannel from his bathroom, wrung it out in cold water and wiped his face. He sighed but didn’t move. Feeling encouraged, she wrung the cloth out again and gently wiped first his right arm and then, with growing confidence, his left. He smiled to himself and stretched, dropping his arms onto the pillow above his head.

“Mmmm, that feels good,” he whispered.

Yes. But it could be better. Thoughts or words?

She went down to the kitchen for a bowl and some ice, brought it back to Lewis’s the room and filled it with cold water. She chilled the flannel in it, reached over him and the icy cloth slipped out of her hand. She snatched at it but only succeeded in slapping it down onto the sensitive skin of his upper arm. Medical Note. One does not used ICED water on a patient with a temp’

His reaction was as startling as it was swift. His right arm came up and backhanded her across the side of her head with enough force to send her reeling away from the bed. She slumped into a chair, whimpering with shock, and clutching her head in her hands to stop it falling off. where the blow had really hurt

When the room stopped revolving she went back to the bed. She stood at the foot, sipping a glass of water while she studied her patient. He lay like a sleeping baby, totally relaxed, one arm still on the pillow above his head, the other lying across his chest. How could he hit her that hard and then, the next second, look this harmless? He was so peaceful she would have thought she had imagined it if she couldn’t still feel the sting on the side of her head. Emma’s description of him as a ticking bomb came crowding into her mind and she remembered her conversation with Lewis over dinner in the hotel garden. This well-concealed aggression would be a powerful force if it was ever set loose in anger. Consider fragmenting this as it’s too long

He was breathing heavily and, Omit as it contradicts the previous para’ as she watched, a bead of sweat trickled across his face like a tear. Moving more cautiously, she retrieved the cloth and started again. This time she worked up from his hand to let him get used to the feel of the iced water. He moaned softly but lay still when she started on his chest. Letting the cloth follow the natural line of hair growth meant she kept coming down to the waistband of his chinos. She leaned down close to his ear.

“Lewis? Are you awake?” ‘Lewis, are you awake’? He didn’t respond. She tried again. “Lewis, can you hear me?” Still he didn’t react. She undid the button on his waistband. “I’m going to take your trousers off. You’ll be more comfortable without them.”

“S’OK,” he mumbled, pushing her hands away. “I’ll do it.”

He lifted his backside off the bed to ease the chinos over his hips but lost interest after that. Philly tugged them off, leaving him in nothing but a dark blue pair of boxers.

“There. How does that feel?”

But he didn’t answer.

I have stopped here 1, because it’s 01.15 A.M. and because I can send you this part as a start. My first observations are that a great deal of what I have read so far could be scrapped. I had to keep myself reading, ‘cos I was doing a job for a friend. As a reader, I would have been saying ‘Oh for Christ’s sake get on with it! I think you too are aware of this because you are having a problem with it. It's sluggish, there is far too much dialogue and not enough action. It needs to be CUT savagely.

Kind regards
Tez

Hi Dee,

This is a summary of the second part of my critique of your work.

What can I say? You obviously know how to write well but I think this needs a lot of thought.
I have not made any comment in the text as normally I do. I just wanted to read it all to the finish.

What have we here, a man not feeling too well, but then he is well enough to be aware of certain matters, Phil getting all passionate, he able to take off his shirt, have a shower, cuddling up to her stroking her breast.

For me the dialogue is too drawn out and it takes too long to get to the point. What are we trying to tell the reader here? What is really happening could be written in a few sentences. The matters evolving in this chapter are a sick man, and a woman looking after him. That’s all. Do we need a whole chapter to tell this?

What are we trying to get at, That Phil’s got hot pants for Lewis? Why, all of a sudden? Not having read any of the previous stuff it’s difficult but this is how it seems to me the reader.

I think that it should be cut drastically; the superfluous matter cut out ruthlessly and tightened up. I think you can see this but needed another opinion to confirm it

Look at these examples

She drifted back to wakefulness slowly enough to absorb the fact that she was in Lewis’s arms. He was lying behind her, spooned up to her back. One of his arms pillowed her head, the other was holding her close to him and she realised, with a shock that sent a sparkle of adrenalin all over her skin, that his hand was inside her shirt, gently cupped round her breast.

Then a para later:-

She must have disturbed him slightly as she woke up because he tightened his hold, sighing contentedly. Then, slowly and gently, his thumb started to stroke across her nipple. She kept absolutely still, hardly daring to breathe, while she enjoyed the comfort of his presence and the luxury of his illicit caress. She could feel the whole length of his body snuggled up behind hers, his arm holding her close to him. His slow breath wafted her hair so she felt, as well as heard, his gasp.

Here we have a direct contradiction, one minute she’s wide awake experiencing lust and the next "she’s just waking up!!"

If she is just waking up then the first para’ cannot be written because she can’t know that it’s happening!!!!

These things are important. Not only is it contradictory but also it’s taking up dialogue out of context. I would suggest that the whole be completely revised. Get to the point, whatever it is and condense this fantasising with some real dialogue.

He does not seem to be ill enough to warrant the kind of care that needs someone to watch over him. He pretends to be half asleep most of the time while Philly looks at him wishing she were laid with him having sex.

O.K let them have these illicit few minutes. Let his sweat make her slide on to his lithesome frame until their passion is out of control. It will raise the pace a little and add spice to the chapter.

Kind regards
Tez

Tez, first of all thank you for taking the time. To be honest, I’m horrified that you should feel obliged to stay up until after 1am to work on this. It really isn’t necessary and it’s not something I would expect from anyone.

Secondly, as I suspected to begin with, because you haven’t been following this novel from the beginning, there are many nuances that you’ve missed.

However, it’s an interesting point of view you have. Thank you.

Incidentally – you might want to browse through some of the comments on other pieces of uploaded work in the archive to see how other members comment. It’s not common practice to copy something into a thread like this.

Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Dee.

Yes I have noticed that. You said

<As you’re an experienced critter I’d be very interested to see what you think about my work.>

I find it dificult, and not very helpful to the writer, to read a story and make a two or three line comment about it.

I am sorry that you thought my work on your story unsatisfactory, notwithstanding, I shall heed your advice.

Kind regards
Tez

Tez

What makes you think that your work on Dee's story was unsatisfactory? She didn't say that, did she? She did in fact thank you for your tme and trouble, and comment that you had an interesting take on her work.

Surely that makes your comments valuable - and, therefore, your work satisfactory. Doesn't it?

But I am intrigued that you feel that it is more useful to the writer to rewrite their work, rather than to read it and then make a number of comments (which is what everyone else on WriteWords appears to do).

Surely it's a matter for the author as to what they find more useful, not the person giving the feedback. Or am I missing something here?

John

Tez -

Listen, I don't want to get in any kind of argument, but I think your comments on Dee's work were out of line. There was a discussion posted by Geoff Morris the other day about harsh critiscism, and I have absolutely NO problem with it, if it is accurate and deserving, but what Dee wanted was some pointers on how to make this chapter work in the context of the previous 10, where the Lewis/Philly relationship/sexual tension had been building up slowly and steadily. This story has been posted over the past few weeks, and to just jump in at chapter 11 and start pulling the characters and plot apart seems crazy.

You talk about the scene as if the characters are new, and it is just an ill man and random female who wants to get in his pants. That is just plain wrong. I feel if you want to throw your critiquing weight about, you should at least read the previous 10 chapters. I'm sure you are an experienced and talented individual, but it just seems your posting is completely OTT.

I don't think it was ever suggested that someone take it upon themselves to rewrite the whole damn thing. Believe me, there are pieces I read on here which I just want to rewrite in my image, but if we all did that, I'd ask for my 35 squid back now. I get enough rejection slips/letters and am constantly thinking about my novel, and how I can rewrite/edit parts. The ONLY person I want to rewrite it is ME or a professional editor as part of my publishing deal.

Soz if this is annoying to you, but I just felt it needed to be said.

Dee is clearly a strong enough character to shrug this kind of spurious comment off, but there are differing levels of writer on this site and this kind of comment could seriously dent someone's confidence. Maybe I'm misunderstanding and you are a professional editor, but I feel your critiquing skills could be a tad more subtle (understatement of the decade).

Regards

Dav

Dav

I have to say - well done!! (Bloody well done, in fact!!)

I agree with every word of your posting - so perhaps I'm in the 'shit' as well now. I only wish that I could have expressed my thoughts as eloquently as you!

As an aside, I have noticed that Dee's novel is not the only piece on WW that has been subjected to Tez's 'critique' skills!

Best wishes

John

John -

I know you could put it just as eloquently. So what if we're in the doo-dah - I just think this site works so well because of the premise that we respect each other's work and ideas, and encourage change subtly if it is needed at all. It isn't a "get your free 10 page re-write from a stranger for 35 quid" site, which probably exist, so perhaps Tez could get a job there...

Regards


Dav

<Added>

Oh yeah - cheers by the way John. I was fully expecting a load of abuse of various members, not least Tez. It was really cool to see your support, coz I felt like a bit of a aggressive you-know-what!

Jumbo and Davey, whatever the wrongs and rights, this thread is turning into a personal thing about another member, and one of the reasons WW is a good site is because it doesn't do that.
Becca.