hi im trying to write a story/novel
it would be great if you could give me some input

these are the first 2 chapters

Chapter 1 the plan

The stench of burnt clothing and seared flesh filled my nostrils. My eyes searched the darkness for any way to safety. I fall to my knees and choke the smell of burning making me ill.
A stream of tears began to scroll down my face, each droplet like fire over the wounds.
With the air heavy with the smoke wafting all around me, I fall to the ground and curl up tightly, waiting for the inevitable.
A door behind me swings open and crashes against the wall “had enough yet?” says a deep husky voice bare footsteps come closer to me “and a large hand picks me up by the neck and forces open my eye’s.
Its face covered by a half melted mask and burns all over his body, which was mostly bare, spare for a cloth wrapped round his waist.
“Come on then” he drops me to the hard ground, I slip back and burn my elbow in the flame.
“I said come on!!” he grabs my shoulder and throws me to the door I hit my head hard on the ground and everything goes dark.
“Pathetic”

Icy water drips on my head. I slowly pick my self up my ribs and head throb and my elbow stings with heat.
I open my eyes. I’m in a tiny room. Its dark the walls are rusted the floor is cold there’s a single sink and toilet and a bunk bed. And I don’t think I'm alone.
“Hello?” says a tiny voice, I look around but see no one just a red and orange light that seems to be getting closer.
I crawl back in fear of what I don’t know until I reach the back wall.
The small light turns into a cigarette followed by a pretty pale face with short dirty white hair and light pink eyes, as it emerges into the light coming from the small window.
I try to speak but all I can manage is a cough, my lungs filled with smoke and soot I start to choke again.
The pale girl crawls to my side and pats my back softly; the coughs get worse as I feel something travel through my lungs, to my mouth. I spit out the fowl dark liquid and start to breath normally.
She takes out her cigarette and holds the butt to my lips. I shake my head.
She puts out the cigarette on the floor and crawls round to face me, her pink eyes wide with curiosity.
“My names Rebecca, you can call me Becky. What's your name?” smoke pouring from her lips as she speaks.
I search in my head for a name. But nothing comes, I stare at the floor head full of confusion who am I?
Becky lies on the floor so she’s facing me again “can’t remember?”
I shake my head.
“Its ok” she sits up and takes my hand “see this?” I look down at the bracelet on my wrist “02761756?
“That’s your id number, put it in the big computer and your name comes up and where you live, I think” she smiles, I force one back. She gets up and climbs on her bed and lights another cigarette.
“You should get in bed, it’s a long day tomorrow”
I don’t argue I climb into my bunk the blanket is stiff from starch and the pillow is far too thin. I shut my eyes and escape this place, but the question is still there who am I? Well only one way to find out I guess. But ill wait till tomorrow.

Becky was right, this day was long, and it started at 6:00 am.
The door slammed open and I was torn from my bed, and thrown to the ground.
“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey” he picks me up off the floor wearing the same type of mask as the man from yesterday but not melted.
Becky dropped from her bunk and the man clipped us together by chain and handcuffs.
“Hey pearl looks like you got a friend,” he laughed as he pushed us out into the corridor.
We walks pasted heaps of cells each housing someone more disturbing than the last.
We get to the end of the corridor and the last cell. He pushes Becky and me up close so we can see through the small window. There are two people in the cell. One small, skinny person, yellow and disturbed. And another a huge hairy beast of a man lurking in the shadows his yellow eyes peering right at us sending chills down my spine.
“You see him in there?” he pushes us closer to the window “any trouble and guess that becomes his new cell mates”
Becky looks at me please don’t do anything stupid. I give her the same in reply.
“Enough gawking, time for shower” he pulls us through a door into another corridor, this one less disturbing. There’s a huge window where you can see straight out of the institute. Nothing, just snow and a series of armed guards that walk by every through seconds but my brain clicks I see a road just outside the gates, freedom, the masked man continues to pull us along until we reach a large door. He bangs on it twice with his fists and the door opens. He kicks us both through and the door shuts behind us “you got 20 minutes” the chain between our cuffs disconnects and we are free from each other.
Becky takes my hand “we only get to shower once a week, better make the most of it” she pulls me along until we reach another large door. Becky starts to undress, which doesn’t really take long the only thing we wear is a long dingy grey vest.
A small opening appears in the wall she throws her vest in, and then looks at me
“Sorry no privacy here”
Feeling very exposed I take off my vest and throw it down the chute. The large door opens and Becky walks in, I trail behind her.
The shower room is far bigger than I thought, enough for at least 20 people.
“They used to do almost everyone at once, but that was a lil to dangerous in a place like this, at least this way only one or two people will die” she walks over to a shower and turns it on “this is the only room without surveillance, strange huh?”
No surveillance?
“You wanna find the computer right?” I nod in agreement
“Well it wont be easy to get to it you know, but its not completely impossible, I know some people who could help you, of course you’d have to do something for them too”
She walks over and stands in front of me and smiles “couldn’t wash my back could you?”

After the 20 minutes the door opened and we left the room and were given new clothes, well not exactly new, just not the ones we had before.
The masked man ushered us back through the corridor but not to our cell, instead we pushed up a long fight of stairs, with each step the air grew colder, I could see the steam pouring from Becky’s lips and mine.
At the top of the stair was a small locker room.
“Ok new kid, this is called open time, your required to have at least two hours not stuck In here, but don’t get any ideas we’re still watching you” he brings his face close to my his breath stank of cheap alcohol “got it” I nod “good” his attention turns to Rebecca “chalky show the new kid the ropes, make sure you doesn’t do anything stupid, or else” Becky gulps and nods repeatedly. “Good, thermals are in the lockers don’t get too comfy though you only got two hours”.
The masked man walks back down the stairs leaving us alone in the freezing locker room.
Becky runs over to a locker and pulls out a thick coat and trousers, both the same dinginess of our vests.
“Here put them on” she throws them over. Then quickly gets herself dressed.
I pull on the oversized coat and trousers; despite the wear and tear they were actually quite comfortable.
We then both walk over to the door; through the glass we can almost see the outside. A ring buzzes above us and the door opens.
Through the door is an expansive courtyard, covered in snow. Other inmates are either walking around or sitting round tables.
“Follow me” Becky leads me out into the courtyard. I try not to make eye contact with any of the inmates, although their attention seems to be on Becky and me, for obvious reasons.
We stop at one of the less crowded tables and sit down. It instantly becomes obvious why this table isn’t crowded.
Only three inmates are on this table. One whose face has a continuous scar from top to bottom and nails more animal like than human, the second looked more reserved his face covered by a large cap, and third, well he didn’t look like much but the chains wrapped around his arms legs and torso pretty much works as a stop sign. He was the first to talk
“Ahh Beck, haven’t seen you for some time, if I didn’t know better id say you were dead”
“Nah, screws just changed my time table”
The chained ones attention changes to me “who’s the new kid, found yourself a little chika eh” a smile breaks the scarred ones face.
“No” her face starts to blush “just my new cell mate, having a pretty rough time with the screws, poor kid doesn’t even recall a name”
“Why not go to the main comp then?”
“That’s what I was going to ask you, we need to get in”
“Say no more, there’s nothing that id like more then to help my favourite pigmently challenged friend, but the kid will have to do something for us too”
Becky starts to look a little nervous and her grip on my hand starts to get tighter
“What?” she asks
The chained one leans in, Becky and I do the same.
“You know what season it is here?”
Becky ponders a few seconds and taps her chin “nope”
“Well due to the always cold climate of the mountains, the bugs tend to get confused, and right now it’s the end of summer”
Both me and Becky wait for the end of the sentence, the chained one starts to look annoyed
“That means that the bugs will hibernate soon”
“So?” Becky still not understanding neither do I, but nothing so far is making sense to me.
“So the bugs will be collecting the last of their food and what’s their favourite?”
“Cats?” Becky answers, the chained one just looks confused
“D…” before Becky can finish her answer the scarred one interrupts
“No us, people, humans”
“Oh, so what’s your point?”
“What’s the only thing keeping them from eating us?”
“ The big repellers”
“That’s where you two come in, ill give you the access code to the main computer room if you pull the plugs on all the repellers, you see Becky, we all decided that we don’t want to stay in here anymore, so you turn off the repellers, I give you the code we wait till the emergency power dies on them, bugs come, we go”.
“But wont they see that the plugs have been pulled?” Becky asks
“That’s why their needs to be two of you, one to pull the plugs one to kill the transmissions”
“Why do we have too?”
“You two are the only ones who will fit in the air vents”
Becky looks at me “you ok with this”, well to be honest of course I'm not, but I don’t have a choice do I?
I just shrug
“Well then its settled, meet Jax at the north corner in ten minutes”
Becky and me leave the table, her hand still clutching to mine.
What am I getting myself into?

Chapter 2 lil change of plan

The ten minutes seemed like hours in my mind. We walked normally to the north corner as to not arouse any suspicion.
Jax the quiet one with the large hat was waiting. When he saw us he turned around an alleyway. We followed
Satisfied that we couldn’t be Hurd or seen by anyone jax spoke first.
“I drew up a map for you” he handed us a crumpled folded piece of paper. When I opened it I was amazed by the sheer detail of it. Jax took the map and showed and followed a line with his finger.
“Ok, you enter the vent here, keep going till you come to the fifth exit, turn right then left then right again and you’ll reach a part where it goes up and down, go up, then you will come to a grate, the screws are loose so all you have to do is push it, and your in the electrics room”
“That simple huh?” Becky asks sarcastically
Jax puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out two ear pieces “keep them on frequency 2.4 the screws don’t use it” he bends down and removes the cover of the air vent “good luck”
Becky crawls through, I go to but Jax puts his hand on my shoulder “it’ll be slippery when you pull the plugs” he pulls out four small belts with spikes on the bottom and hands them to me “Buena Fortuna” with that he leaves. I look at the things he gave me how does he know all this?
“Come on we only got an hour and a bit!!” Becky’s voice shouts through my earpiece.
I climb in to the vent and crawl down remembering Jax’s instructions. I count the exits in my head 1,2,3,4 and 5
I crawl through its dark and my head hits something soft
“Hey that’s my butt”
I jump back feeling shocked and slightly embarrassed.
“Shh, don’t make a sound” she whispers
I focus my ears to find what she’s worried about. Then I hear. Two voices right above us
“Bugs are going crazy”
“Yeah some sort of mating ritual I Hurd”
“Really?”
“Sure don’t you watch animal planet?”
They ramble on for another three minutes; until their supervisor comes and they cant get away fast enough. We wait a few more seconds just to make sure that its safe to move again.
“Lets go”
I wait a few seconds before following, just to make sure she’s moved.
We carried along following Jax instructions until we got to the up and down part.
Becky peered down gulped and looked at me “ you can go first” she gives a nervous smile
I climb round her and get to the entrance; it’s an extremely long vertical shaft that seems to fall endlessly. I pull a metal button off my coat and drop it down the shaft. Better get this over with
I pull myself out into the shaft and push my back against the wall and push my feet against the entrance.
“You ok?” Becky asks looking worried, I force a weak smile and continue my way up, till I reach the grate. Light streams through and I can almost see inside the room. I push hard against the grate. It slowly slides out of place.
I climb in the room. Is full of wires and electrical equipment. I grab a large extension cord and lower it down the shaft. “Ok” she says and I pull hard on the cord till she reaches the top, then I grab her hands and pull her up.
“Whoa” Becky exclaims while looking around the room “this is a lot of stuff”
She walks over to a terminal in the middle of the room and touches the screen and the room comes alive the wires light up and three other terminals turn on she takes out Jax’s map and turns it over

Each terminal goes to each sector, north, south, east and west you need to access each terminal and input the code a few seconds before the plug is pulled…

A long detailed code follows. Becky reads on “ok I think I get this, just before I pull the plug you gotta kill the terminal” she walks over to the western terminal “I think we should start with west”. She gives me the code.
She opens a toolbox on the floor and picks out a crowbar “wish me luck”
“Hello, Becky, kid?” a scratchy voice cracks through our earphones
“Becky here what's up?”
“Screws are getting suspicious, you gotta hurry”
“Yeah well, one problem, we don’t know how to get to the repellers from here”
“Ah well ill hand you to Jax”
“Hello?”
“Yeah Jax we got a problem”
“Look behind the middle terminal”
I walk to the terminal and look behind it. All that’s there is a welded grate
“Um Jax, we got a problem still” says Becky starting to play with her hair, a nervous reaction.
“I guessed this, I have some very bad news”
“Uh huh?”
“Your going to have to go down the shaft to the guards locker room and make your way from there”
My heart stops for a second. Becky beats me to speak
“WHAT”
“It’s the only way, once again good luck”
The line goes dead. Becky drops to the ground “no way”
I'm an idiot. I grab the crowbar and hand her the code I walk over to the open shaft
“Wait, take this too” she rummages through her pocket and pulls out a lighter “don’t ask how I got it here” she hands it to me I'm intrigued and confused at the same time.
Slowly lower myself in. the sound of the metal button hitting the bottom echoes up the shaft. I look up at Becky she looks as nervous as I feel.
“Be careful ok?”
I push my knees and back against both sides, if the shaft were bigger this would be impossible, and start to slide down.

I must have pasted at least six different rooms none of which looked any thing like a guards locker room.
Seven.
Jax voice crackles through my earpiece again.
“You should be getting close now”
A noise above my echoes through the shaft. The walls start to shake and I loose my grip and plummet down the shaft.
Eight, nine, ten.
I slam the crowbar into the side of the shaft, and dangle helplessly.
“Hey are you ok? I think the fans on”
I look around the shaft and that’s where I see it, right in front of me the entrance to the guard’s locker room. I pick up my legs and slam them into the grate.
It breaks through and my legs follow. I pull the crowbar out of the side of the shaft and fall into the room.
The room isn’t very large, but the lockers are all close to each other in rows. I notice a large dent in one of the lockers where the grate flew into it. I pull hard on the side and it cracks open.
The locker is almost bare except for a pair of boots a hat and a can of aerosol. I pull on the boots and tighten the straps so they just fit, I also take the hat and the aerosol, I got a lighter it may come in handy.
Slowly I start to make my way out of the locker room and on to the first repeller.
Two people enter the room. I hide behind a row of lockers.
Two pairs of footsteps start to close in on me. My heart begins to beat faster and faster as the footsteps of the armed guards close in.
Now both guards are at either end of the row I'm hiding behind. I have two choices; either gives up and be returned to my cell or worse, someone else’s. Or I could fight.
The idea of being bubba’s new plaything is the least appealing. So I hold the crowbar tight in my hands and wait for one of them to come round.
The guard to my right seems the first his shadow forms in front of me and his steps get closer his foot appears I raise the bar above my head and count slowly in my head. 1 2 3
“Hey Jeff, come see this”. apparently the guard to my right is Jeff.
“What” he walks over to the other guard, I almost collapse in relief.
“Would you look at that”?
I sneak round the last two rows, the guards oblivious as they perv at a magazine.
Just as I step out the door I notice a camera just above me. I stand under it, just out its vision, when its safe to move with out being seen by the camera I hurry down the corridor following the wall signs to the western sector.

Nathan,

It would have been better for you to put your story through the normal way. Attaching this to to your announcement in the Forum is likely to put off many WW members who like to comment of the first submission of potential members.

You obviously have a very vivid imagination but I found the continuous and somewhat violent beginning indicates that you are following a pathway that many new writers travel, using the first person and lurching from one 'dramatic' scene to another. It is extremely difficult to write successfully in this manner and there is little time for the reader to form any 'connection' with the main character(s) or, indeed, the plot. The result is that you lose your readers or their interest.

I am sure you can write - and write well - but make your writing rise above the comic book scenarios where each frame has to be a full of action description for the illustrator to draw.

Len

Hi, Nathan. I don't think I've seen you around before, so welcome to WriteWords.

On the whole, work posted directly onto a forum thread doesn't get read; the forums are really for discussing things. You need to post in the archive, and post a thread in the 'Introduce your work' forum to alert people that its there. Or - best of all - join a group, where you can post your ongoing work as you critique other people's. That way you get consistent feedback as you get to know each other. I think this is particularly useful for novelists, as there's a lot that can't be commented on usefully except by group members who know a chapter's context. The other enormous benefit of a group is that you learn as much by commenting on others' work as by having others look at your work.

Have a nose round, get your bearings, and post a question in the forums if you want help!

Emma

Nathan, as Len and Emma say, this is not the best place on the site to post your work as you're unlikely to get much feedback. I would recommend you to either join a group or post this in the general archive – go to ‘Upload Work’ at the top right-hand corner, and follow the instructions. Don’t forget to say what level of feedback you’d like, and set it to be visible to WW members only unless you want it accessible to search engines.

Good luck, and welcome to WW.

Dee