Hi

I am a newcomer here so please be gentle.

I have been thinking for a long time about writing a book. I have started and deleted what I have written many, many times. It would be a non fiction book about my own personal experiences of severe childhood abuse. Primarily I would be writing this book for me alone, but at the back of my mind is the thought that I would like to be published and my voice heard as it were.

I have not let the abuse totally define me and am currently studying veterinary medicine. I believe I can give quite a unique perspective on these issues due to my medical background and the extensive therapy I was lucky enough to receive. I have also read very widely round the subject in an effort to try and understand my own condition.

However, I don't really know where to start. I have in the past picked up books on childhood abuse and they have made me sick to the core. To read up on this genre will be very hard for me and perhaps open a can of worms that is best left untouched for now. But unless I read books of this type, how do I know what publishers are looking for? I want to write something a little different from the books I did read, for it not just to be a narrative on what happened, but to also to have a bit more scientific basis and consider the wider social context of abuse.

Is this is totally crazy idea? I will write it for myself anyway, but I also feel I have a story to tell that many people would be interested in, so it would be sensible to write it in as commercial a way as possible.

Any ideas on where or how to start or agents that deal with this type of book are very gratefully received.

Hello SpottedCat, and welcome to WW.

I don't think it's a crazy idea at all, but I think it's always tricky to know how to write something which is extremely personal, in a way which you can handle, and will also have a wider appeal. It's always an issue in Life Writing about yourself, but particularly if part of what makes you want to write is that it's serious and distressing and important.

It sounds to me as if the kind of book which you've been finding is what the trade calls 'misery memoir'. A few books which get labelled as that are genuinely very good - Andrea Ashworth's Once Upon A House On Fire, for example, Janice Galloway's This Is Not About Me, Fiona Shaw's Out of Me, or the huge, mega-bestselling one set in 1950s Cork, which for some reason I'm having a complete blank about the title for...

But there's a nasty kind which is just voyeuristic and beastly, and you seriously worry about the motives of some of the people reading it.

So I think you'd need to be very selective about which books you took for a model. And also, perhaps, think quite hard about what you're actually trying to do with the story: who you're trying to reach and what you're trying to express: your story of itself, or some kind of exploration of the issues involved in abuse for interested readers, or a story to help others who've been abused and their families?

The other thing to say is that the market for this kind of writing has shrunk very much in the last few years - certainly at the commercial 'misery memoir' end of it. The more literary end still sells, I think, inasmuch as anything literary sells...

I haven't read it, but this looks like a good book, which might help you to think through what's involved, and shape your own story in a way which seems best:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Arvon-Book-Life-Writing-Autobiography/dp/1408124181

And I know that someone's recommended a different book on Life Writing to me which I can't remember the title of, but if I do, I'll be back.

Hi Emma

Thank you so much for your reply. The books you have suggested I have not read, but all look very interesting. I may have read the Irish one you mention but can't for the life of me remember the title either!

I very much agree with your comments that some of these types of books seem to encourage the wrong sort of reader. I didn't quite know how to phrase it in my initial post, but I don't quite like the idea of writing for an audience I inherently despise. Some people just seem to get a thrill from reading about others misfortune. So finding an audience I want to write and the right direction to go in will be important for me.

Many things interest me, such as the dynamics of family and society that allow this sort of thing to happen and the psycology that allows genuinely kind people to 'turn a blind eye'. However, I would also like to be of some help and support to others going through the same thing, not to mention getting it all out as a sort of therapy for myself. So lots of conflicting directions. Reading good, well written books on this subject will be very valuable in setting a direction.

This book by its nature will be a long term project. Sometimes I feel like writing things down, at other times not so much. I expect the market for every genre goes up and down like everything else, so what may not be very marketable today, may be in 10 or 15 years time.

I think what I need to do is read the books you have suggested, clarify the direction I want to go in, listen to other peoples suggestions (if any) and then get writing. And just enjoy writing it!

Hi Spotted Cat,
If I were you, I'd write the book for yourself first of all, without worrying too much about what publishers are looking for. It sounds like a journey you need to take first for yourself, if you see what I mean. And certainly, with something this important, you want to write something that you really feel good about.
I agree that Once In a House on Fire is very good, and not like the 'Daddy, No' kind of book at all. There's also Maxine Hong Kingston, The Woman Warrior, which deals with harrowing topics but in a truly wonderful and original way. Even if theirs isn't precisely the kind of abuse you suffered, it could be worth reading them to see the other ways of writing about similar subjects. And then there's Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, of course.
It might be useful to do some kind of course in Life Writing, for the sake of the psychological as well as writerly support you would get (on a good course) from others in the workshops and from tutors.

<Added>

Angela's Ashes?

Angela's Ashes?

That's the one! Thank you, SS, it's been annoying me all afternoon.

And I'd agree with the idea of finding support for this.

Some more great suggestions. Thank you. They are very much appreciated. Looks like I have a lot of good books coming up to read in my spare time! I live abroad so thank goodness for Amazon. When I am back in the UK I will look at some sort of course if I can afford it. I am studying vet med which is horrendously expensive and very time consuming, but I love it.

Tentatively wrote a little today so at least I am started, and it has been wonderful to get all of your comments and suggestions. Even if it never gets published, I would still like something of my life story to leave behind even if just for my friends, as sadly I know I will never have a family of my own. I know I am not the easiest friend at times, and none of my friends know the whole story, so this would also be nice in a way.

Hi there TSC snd welcome to Writewords. It's a great place!

I was sitting here going, 'Angela's Ashes, Angela's Ashes!' and then saw that Steerpike's Sister (Leila) got there before me!

I have never experienced any kind of abuse (am so very sorry to hear what happened to you) but do know that I personally find writing things down to be quite extraordinarily therapeutic.

I agree with others that writing it down for yourself, first and foremost, is a good idea. Once you have something down you can start thinking about how you would best shape it.

Wishing you lots of luck with it, anyway.

Hi Spotted Cat,
I'm both a writer and an NLP Master Practitioner and I could tell an abuse story if I chose to.

With those perspectives, I thought long and hard about how to answer this post. And I can't let it pass without offering some words of caution [rather too many in fact.. apologies if I go on a bit!].

You might like to think about what you want to achieve in relation to your past and how it affects your future. Be clear on that before deciding if writing is the best way to achieve it.

Also I have concerns about the act of writing itself. Writing brings the past into the present. That's why I love historical writing and have a lot of misgivings about confessional writing. You say that you 'have not let the abuse totally define' you, (and I note the "totally"), but is it with you in your present? Is it with you day and night? Because if you undertake to write a book about it, that's what you will make happen. I currently spend far too much time thinking about crows. That's because I am writing about them. I'd advise you to make a very cool decision about what you spend far too much time thinking about. It will impact your daily mood, your state of mind and your relationships with others. Ask my wife. She's sick of hearing about crows.

My second major concern is about trauma. Trauma has a structure that relies a lot on repitition and focus. You may not feel traumatised right now, but if you go over and over the unpleasant experiences of your past, you can, relatively easily, induce a trauma. You only have to consider the number of people traumatised by the film Jaws, to realise it is a relatively easy thing to create. I believe writing about it could worsen your relationship with your past.

My third concern for you is about your quality of life. If you feel completely recovered from any abuse you suffered; if you feel that you have done so much healing work that you have emerged with extremely robust mental health (in all likelihood healthier than if it had never occurred), if you are able to forgive those who wronged you and have a detailed, structured understanding of the damaging effects that abuse has generally and how that damage may be overcome; then you have really a lesson to teach the world; write a book with joy in your heart. On the other hand, if you still have healing to do, (and I note you say in answer to Emma's comments that you would consider this therapeutic as a way of 'getting it out' ) then I would urge you to consider ALL the other possible healing options alongside writing; investigate all of the help and assistance you might receive from friends, relatives and professionals. Weigh those options and write the book only if you consider it the best and most appropriate course of action from a choice of many courses of action.

But to be honest, my blunt opinion; I don't think this would be a good thing to do. Writing a book involves drafting and redrafting and re-considering and re-drafting the same scenes, over and over. You really want to do that? Let's get all those painful memories out and go over and over and over them? Then discuss them in a workshop? Then go over them again with an editor? Then a publisher? Then write them again?

That is not therapeutic.

You have, of course, walked into a barber's shop and asked if you need a haircut. Everyone here will encourage the writer in you. I'd suggest you find a subject you can more comfortably spend time with.

I could say more, but may well have written too much already. Please WWMail if you're interested in further opinions, how qualified they are... my experience... etc.

Andy

Hi Andy

Thank you very much for taking the time to write your reply. You have put a lot of thought into it and I appreciate that.

I will never be fully recovered by what happened to me in any way, shape or form. I will not use the word impossible, but the truth is it is highly unlikely I will ever fall in love, marry, have kids, have sex, or go on a simple date. I find it hard to trust other humans or feel relaxed in their presence. Most people take these life experiences for granted I suspect. However, what I can realistically achieve is close friendships with other humans (I currently do though I find it hard work!), happiness in my life and a fulfilling career with animals, who I love and trust implicitly.

I did used to think about the abuse in a negative way 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I had extensive therapy, including CBT, that changed my life entirely. I am pretty aware of my thought patterns and I agree this is something that requires careful monitoring. I want to write about both the abuse and more importantly, the journey I have made to be the person I am today. I am kind and generous with a lot of compassion for others. I know I will make a great veterinary surgeon. I actually think my story is more one of hope than doom and gloom.

For me personally it is unrealistic to not to think about my past frequently. This does not have to be negative. Not all of my childhood was negative after all. I can't forget the abuse because it is as integral a part of my being as my arms and legs. For example, I can't look in the mirror without seeing the scar on my face or look at my left hand without seeing the scar there. I actually like the scar on my hand. It is always visible, and although perhaps ugly to others, it reminds me I am strong and can cope with anything life throws at me. When I am down or am in a bad situation I look at it and take strength from it.

It is not just physically I can't forget, but emotionally too. When I see a mother and child or a couple in the street there will always be a measure of sadness that I will not experience those things. However most of the time I can look and smile and feel happy there is goodness and love in the world (and I don't care how vomit worthy that may sound)

I used to have a lot of rage at my family and at the society at large which turned a blind eye. Most of the rage was however directed at myself. I sometimes still feel that way, but not often and I have learned how to use the anger, which is as valid an emotion as any other, to a more productive use. I have a lot more acceptance now and yes I do forgive. I even forgive myself which is perhaps the most difficult thing to do.

My reasons for writing change just as emotions change. I think that is normal. Sometimes I want to write for myself, at other times for my friends, at other times for other people that may have experienced something similar.

In an ideal world, I would have been brought up in a loving family, married and raised a happy family of my own. That hasn't happened. What has happened is that I became a world class athlete, made a million and lost it, and now I have a scholarship to study veterinary medicine which is an incredibly tough academic discipline. I did all this with no financial or emotional support. So I do think I have a unique story to tell, even if only for my friends. Could this story have any benefit or interest to other people? Perhaps. Perhaps not. What is important at this stage is the continuation of my own personal journey when writing it. Perhaps it is arrogant, but the thought that some day, no matter in how small a way, what I write could benefit or even just bring a brief smile or feeling of relief or not being so alone to someone else would mean a lot to me.

Dear Newcomer,

I came across your post by chance, I did a google search for something else and your post came up as one of the results. I tried from morning until now 9.30pm to resist replying because I could see you already have so many good inputs and it's been quite some months since you posted but when I read your last post I could not resist anymore and I had to join this site just to say something.

I have just completed my memoir - another mis-mem and I can relate to all the advice you have been given on here and your thoughts on how you want to approach the writing of the book. I can tell you from the experience of someone who thought she had fully healed from the past, that it was not easy. I experienced headaches for weeks a time, several times during the writing. Various medicines helped me through but in the end, it was well worth it. What Andrew said is also true - for some time, I felt like that fearful child again, I had forgotten I was a healed adult. But all in all for me, writing the book was a consolidation of my healing and I think if you approach it from a wider social / psychological / scientific context, it will be more effective both for you and for the readers. I think you will also have a better chance of attracting a publisher to your book - I self published.

Please keep on being happy doing what you do - your vet medicine and your friendships. What I found is that being happy is paramount. I do not know the details of the abuse you suffered but it sounds to me like you would benefit from the further support, which has already been suggested to you. Please keep seeking all the help you need and make your own happiness your priority, time is a healer, you will find so much more healing. When I was writing, I remembered all the events vividly, but now when I remember some of the events I wrote about I think to myself, did that really happen? That is the power of healing. The pain of the events have been dulled, their stings removed. Now I respond to people with more trust and I am learning to practice the art of emotional boundary rather that putting a wall up. The memory certainly is still there and once in a while things happen that make revives my anger about the past but I believe with time, that anger too will be gone.
I really wish you all the best.

Ayo Adeniola

Congratulations on studying vet. med, that's a huge achievement.

Can I ask why if you have started writing before, you kept deleting what you wrote? Were you writing your life story then and was it because it was too distressing? That might give you your answer as to whether you should proceed. For what it's worth I think writing can be great therapy and you can only try to write and not place any expectations on yourself and see what happens. If it's not working for you, you can stop.

I'm a big fan of Andrea Ashworth's book, definitely room for more books like that if you do decide to publish what you've written, but as has already been said, it's a very hard market to compete in if you're simply writing a graphic account of your abuse; there are so many thousands of books like that already.

I wrote a similar piece once, and found it very distressing at times, but ultimately it was only for my therapy. I am glad I wrote it, but ten year on I am tempted to get rid of it now.

And as an aside, I sincerely hope that you do find a way one day to have a relationship, have children, etc. I'm sure what you've been through is completely horrific but there's always hope and time and love are great healers (speaking as someone with friends who have suffered the worst traumas and come out the other side with good lives)

<Added>

I've just seen this is a pretty old post, so hope you've managed to come to a decision that is right for you :-)

Have you ever read "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" by Maya Angelou? If not, I would recommend it as she writes beautifully and poignantly about surviving abuse (although in this case, racism played the major part).

There has been a glut of 'misery memoires' lately, which means there is definitely a demand, but also that its a crowded market. I suppose you can't really be sure how yours would come across until you actually write it.

I'd say go for it, but I'd also say do your research of the market. If you can find a different 'angle' on your story to others, that would be great too - I recently read an absolutely fascinating non-fiction book on the neuroscience of trauma and memory. And whilst neuroscience might not be your thing, it is a very different perspective on a much written-about issue.

Of course, the important thing is that you write what you feel you want or need to write. I personally don't think writing anything is ever a waste of time, regardless of 'markets' and 'angles'.