A layer of sand drifted along the dunes of the Arabian Desert, leaving nothing but inch deep ripples in its wake. The sky dominated by the sun, showed a clear blue canvas alongside a white dispersing cloud. A five inch matt black scorpion, with two pear shaped pincers bigger than its armour coated body, absorbed the unforgiving rays of sun as it scurried across the wilderness.

A moment of silence fell upon the desert as the aftermath of the crash died down. A small fire that matched the heat of the desert sand struggled to exist as waves of increasingly strong wind challenged it over and over.

The footsteps of a man in the direction of a nearby town quickly disappeared, as an endless flow of sand filled every impression along the ground. At the very edge of town sat a small round hut, resisting every gust of wind that came its way. thrown on the floor outside the hut was a muddy green pilot shirt with Capt. Ruther stitched perfectly onto the left pocket. Inside the hut was a withered old man sat defencelessly on the coach, and his daughter crouched over the pilot tending to his wounds.


So should I keep writing or just give up?
Please be as critical as you feel you should and not try to spare my feelings.

Thanks.

Hello Alex.

You would get a better response if you joined a group and uploaded your piece there. As a part member you can join one group and upload one piece of work.

You can find the Groups here:
http://www.writewords.org.uk/groups/

Lilly

Hi Alex,

You have changed this since I last read it, I like the beginnings, as Lilly says find a group that suits your needs, I have done that with mine and they are great and really helpful.

Yes, I noticed that you'd changed it too.

As the others say, upload it in one of the groups that you think is most suitable, then you can give and receive comments on your work and other people's. I'm sure you'll find it a great help - I always have!

Hi Alex!

A layer of sand drifted along the dunes of the Arabian Desert, leaving nothing but inch deep ripples in its wake.

--- no need for 'inch deep' - it hinders the flow

The sky dominated by the sun, showed a clear blue canvas alongside a white dispersing cloud.

--- leave out the dominated bit - how about 'the sky was nothing but a blue canvass streaked with white brushstroke clouds

A five inch matt black scorpion, with two pear shaped pincers bigger than its armour coated body, absorbed the unforgiving rays of sun as it scurried across the wilderness.

--- leave out 'matt' and 'armour coated' and put a 'the' before 'sun' - again it flows better this way.

A moment of silence fell upon the desert as the aftermath of the crash died down. A small fire that matched the heat of the desert sand struggled to exist as waves of increasingly strong wind challenged it over and over.

--- how about 'the flames of a small fire struggled to match the heat of the desert as ever stronger winds challenged it over and over'

The footsteps of a man in the direction of a nearby town quickly disappeared, as an endless flow of sand filled every impression along the ground.

--- how about 'a relentless flow of sand filled every impression made by the single set of footsteps that led to a nearby town, swiftly rendering them invisible.'

At the very edge of town sat a small round hut, resisting every gust of wind that came its way.

thrown on the floor outside the hut was a muddy green pilot shirt with Capt. Ruther stitched perfectly onto the left pocket.

------ capital 'T' for 'thrown. The word 'muddy' doesn't quite fit with the sand environment so might be best to leave it out. Perhaps use 'neatly' instead of 'perfectly'.

Inside the hut was a withered old man sat defencelessly on the coach, and his daughter crouched over the pilot tending to his wounds.

--- leave out the word 'was' after 'hut'. Maybe just have 'a withered old man looked on as his daughter crouched over the pilot, tending to his wounds.'

Purely suggestions Alex. But this is not a suggestion, it's an order - "KEEP GOING MATE BECAUSE THIS COULD BE VERY GOOD!"

At ease soldier!

Stu
http://tollesburytimeforever.blogspot.com/

I agree with Stu, Alex keep going, Rome was not built in one day neither is a story and especially not a novel. You are starting as a baby in the writing, think what a puppy would eat. Not a major meal, little bits all the time but he would do that till he got bigger and sturdier, that is what you have to do with your novel, do not take in big baked meals but little bits more often till you are strong enough to tackle the big parts of your story!

One thing that would help is to vary the syntax. Most of your sentences start with article + noun (Give or take an adjective, but it's still the same basic syntactical structure.)
A layer; the sky; a scorpion; a moment, a fire, the footsteps.

Not until we get to At the very edge of town is there a change in sentence formation.

Don't ask others if you should give up. Write if you want to write. You will improve by reading well written books and examining how the authors achieve what they do, sentence by sentence.