Andy sat back in his swivel chair and steepled his palms together on the desk, index fingers pointing forward as if about to shoot an imaginary laser gun. It was his ideas signature move; if he’d been a cartoon character instead of our boss, a little light bulb would have pinged and flashed in a cloud above his head.


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No wonder I like the 'Carry On' films - Williams looking down, literally, on a cast of stereotypes including Charles Hawtrey as a sparrow-chested wimp and Kenneth Connor's snivelling coward. Joan Sims and Barbara Windsor provide the excuse for smutty innuendoes. The double-entendres come just as thick and fast, the jokes with time-honoured targets, but William's voice is a joy, either staccato or sliding through several octaves like some infinitely felixible stringed instrument, equally suited to playing gravelly uppercrusters or self-important shop-assistants.



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The beginning of a novel, and how to go about it, poses some interesting problems (for me at least). There is a popular school of thought that says that you need a momentous opening: a dead body, a car crash, a fight, the loss of a loved one, the accidental detonation of a small thermo-nuclear device in a packed marketplace...you get the picture.
The belief is that without an opening of this sort, you could lose the reader before the story has had any chance of developing. Certain genres lend themselves to this more than others: you need a dead body early on in a crime thriller, a relationship breakdown is a good way to kick off a rom-com, a heart-stopping and intense scene involving supernatural creatures would be a doozy of a way to kick off an adventure-horror, like…

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I’ve decided that having a baby is a stupid idea. I am far too poor and far too irresponsible. Last week, I forgot to feed my Facebook puppy and it died. I was secretly happy about this. Feeding it was a goddamn palaver, and all I had to do was throw cartoon dog biscuits at it.

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I have been asked to collaborate on a project which I think will be really cool.

It is an art book. It will contain photographs and very short stories. The photographs are Katherine Lewis'. The stories will be inspired by those photographs (a little bit like what super Sarah Salway's been doing of late).

Now, I'll not kid you. It's not going to be a bestseller. It's not going to be available in bookshops. It's going to be produced locally, and any profit it makes will go to charity. But it will be very beautiful, I'm sure of that.

And I thought it'd be rather cool if you were involved. So if you'd like to be one of the 20 contributors all you need to do is write a 50 (ish) word poem or short story inspired by the above photograph. Post your story either in my comments box or email it to me by next Wednesday (29th April). One winner will be picked a little while after that, and that winner will receive a free copy of the finished book.

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Dear Jargon,

Of all the euphemisms in all the world, you had to walk into mine. Words cannot express how surprised I was to see you today. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have realigned my facial expressions to standard neutral (Authorised Version 0.2) lest you detected from the furrow of my brow the rather negative way in which I internally framed your presence.


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Our very own Caroline Rance's debut novel, "Kill-Grief" has just been published and we have a signed copy to give away to one lucky reader who comments on this post, below. The winner will be drawn from a hat and their name will be posted up on Sunday. (Sorry, Strictly Writers are not eligible!)

Check out Caroline's website, http://www.carolinerance.co.uk/ and her blogs, Writing and all that and The Quack Doctor


Who is your literary hero?
Emily Brontë

Which 3 writers, living or dead, would you invite to dinner?
Dorothy Parker, Bill Bryson and Garrison Keillor

What's your favourite writing snack?
Salted peanuts, or cheese and onion crisps. Or Lindor chocolates. Or anything edible, really.

Win Booker prize or land Hollywood film deal?
Film deal.

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