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Budding need (II)

by joanie 

Posted: 25 May 2005
Word Count: 140
Summary: Second version of the exercise in Poetry Seminar. An attempt at a haibun-style piece. I have kept the original triplets and added prose.

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Lambs, already round and almost oven-ready, run away in short bursts of independence then rush back to the safety of oiled woollen flanks. I hold you close.

Stability a platform
wedge-shaped in the rashness,
l'écho d'un cri.

Your face, once pastel-pretty, now glowers with disdain and hatred then dissolves into a violent mass of heated tears. You draw apart.

Storms raging outside
the core of darkness,
l'explosion des larmes.

Where is the sweetness which we felt? When did you change? I claw at the solid substance of memories as they dissolve into droplets of regret. You fall, ripe, from my tree.

People must have children
to wrap in a mantle of peace.
Une petite poire tombée.

Vocab: One can guess the meaning of most of the French words. des larmes - tears(noun), Une poire - a pear,
tombée - fallen.

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Comments by other Members

Nell at 17:35 on 25 May 2005  Report this post
Joanie! I love this - it's wonderful! The prose has added yet another dimension. I love the way the lambs ...already round and almost oven-ready... hint at the child and what's to come, the 'sweetness' and 'droplets' seem like pre-echos (I know pre-echoes is oxymoronic, but I sort of like it) of the pear. I'm trying to analyse how it works in the way it does yet the answer eludes me. I went straight back to the beginning to read again - must do one too!


Myrtle at 17:45 on 25 May 2005  Report this post
This is wonderful, and made me feel emotional looking at my own pastel-pretty little girl and wondering if/when she'll 'glower with disdain' at me. I would personally leave out the 'which' in 'Where is the sweetness which we felt' as I think it flows better, and the 'violent' because I think enough's been said. But apart from that I think it's spot-on and it really spoke to me.


Felmagre at 18:04 on 25 May 2005  Report this post
What an interesting way to appraoch the task. It lends an added something to the poem as a whole.

Thank you.

joanie at 18:32 on 25 May 2005  Report this post
Thank you all so much! I have wanted to try this mix of prose and short verse for a long time but it has never felt right. I'm really glad you thought it worked. Interesting that I kept the same verses from the exercise.



Myrtle, I'm looking at your suggestions - thank you!

seanfarragher at 18:51 on 25 May 2005  Report this post
The mixture of prose and poetry is well done. The whole piece is beautiful, and has a depth (layers of ideas) that flow naturally from top to bottom. Bravo.

joanie at 19:31 on 25 May 2005  Report this post
Thanks, Sean. Much appreciated.


SmithBrowne at 02:10 on 27 May 2005  Report this post
Beautiful, Joanie! All the kudos of above... As I read, I could imagine two echoing versions of the speaker's voice, one almost a whisper, feeding off of one another, one prose, one poetic. Just lovely!

joanie at 10:35 on 27 May 2005  Report this post
Thank you, Smith. Glad it worked.


Mac AM at 20:54 on 28 May 2005  Report this post
What a wonderfully striking form and use of it. I love, if that is the word, the almost oven-ready lambs in your open line - wonderful.

I don't think it even needs an explination, though it does help. Well done Joanie.


joanie at 21:31 on 28 May 2005  Report this post
Thank you, Mac

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