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We’re back

by Jubbly 

Posted: 18 May 2005
Word Count: 426
Summary: More on my ancient theme.


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The children sat huddled together on the sofa while their father did his utmost to make amends.

“Would you like some pie? I know it’s your favorite or what about a nice glass of lemonade, really you can have anything you want?” he pleaded.

But they weren’t gong to give in that easily.

His daughter shook her head then stared straight at him, her eyes were filled with sadness but there was something missing too, respect, that was it she no longer respected him.

His son looked down at the floor, unable to meet his gaze.

“Perhaps, we could go out, would you like that? Go to the park and play ball?”

The boy shrugged, his terrible ordeal had taken its toll and even though he yearned to be wrapped in his father’s big strong daddy arms and forget all about what had happened, he knew he couldn’t. His sister kicked him hard in the leg just as a reminder.

“Look, please, I’ve said I’m sorry, I don’t know what else to do, I was wrong, but you have to understand it was her, your step mother, she was so controlling she had this power over me, I’m so so sorry…

With that he broke down and wept. His daughter seemed to take pity, she walked toward him and gently placed her hand on his head then without warning slapped him hard across the face.

Her little voice grew stronger with every accusation.

“You loved her more than us, you took her side every time, you didn’t care what happened to us did you did you?” she screamed into his blubbing face.

Her brother was at her side now, his fathers terrible betrayal had rendered his eyes dull as though the soul had vanished leaving an empty shell of a child in its place.

“I was bewitched by the bitch, but she’s gone now, and she won’t ever be coming back.”

Only then did the girl relent, calmness returned to her face and she nodded.

“Good, then go and bury her deep in the earth and we’ll keep this our little secret, understood?”

Her father took up his shovel and went out back and only then did Gretel relax and laugh.

“From now on we can go to bed whatever damn time we like, here have a beer.”

She passed him a can of lager and lit a cigarette without offering it, he was only nine after all.

Her brother Hansel allowed himself to smile, sometimes blackmail was the only way to get ones parent’s attention.









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Comments by other Members



crowspark at 19:13 on 18 May 2005  Report this post
Great flash Julie, that girl will do well.
I liked, "he yearned to be wrapped in his father’s big strong daddy arms and forget all about what had happened".
Excellent twist. I noticed a couple of apostrophes missing and gong.
Liked this also, "His daughter seemed to take pity, she walked toward him and gently placed her hand on his head then without warning slapped him hard across the face."

Nice read

Bill


bjlangley at 07:18 on 19 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Julie, I enjoyed this. The stepmother pointed me towards the twist, but that said my children are at the fairy tale age, so any and every stepmother I think of is a wicked one at the mo. I'm with Bill on the big daddy arms line, it's excellent.

You got some repeated words here: "here have a have a beer".

Great flash,

Ben

Jubbly at 07:40 on 19 May 2005  Report this post
Thanks Bill and Ben, whoops sorry, slipped into seventies childrens telly for a minute. Will straighten out repeats and punctuation. Thanks for reading.

Julie
x

crowspark at 12:37 on 19 May 2005  Report this post
Sorry Julie I used a square bracket and put my text into italic when what I intended to type was go(i)ng.

Bill

Milou at 13:34 on 19 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Julie,
I liked it a lot - I didn't see the twist coming. I especially liked:

“From now on we can go to bed whatever damn time we like, here have a beer.”

She passed him a can of lager and lit a cigarette without offering it, he was only nine after all.


Brilliant image!



Em

Account Closed at 16:14 on 19 May 2005  Report this post
Julie,
I don't think I knew this part of H&G - only the getting lost in the woods bit, but, like Ben I grew suspicious with the stepmother (and knowing your style, too!)

You need to get some full stops in there, let it breathe! Shorter sentences add drama:

His daughter shook her head then stared straight at him. Her eyes were filled with sadness but there was something missing too. Respect, that was it. She no longer respected him. (or something like this)

Not sure if the sis could kick her bro hard in the leg if they are sitting huddled, side by side.

Liked the beer and the fag - nice touch!!



Elspeth


Anj at 10:29 on 22 May 2005  Report this post
Julie,

This is great - I'm with everyone else on the "big daddy arms" line. I felt the last line was unnecessary, but maybe that's just me.

Great flash

Andrea

Nik Perring at 03:33 on 26 May 2005  Report this post
Hi Jubbly,
Sorry to barge into this group! Kind of fell over this and glad I did. Brilliant piece of flash which really grabbed me and made me smile. There are a few punctuation abnormalities (sp?), but nothing you wouldn't spot after rereading.
Really enjoyed this.
Cheers,
Nik.


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